Suicide Sisters

39

Ja'kiya

I Think I'm Single

Seventeen hours. That's how long it's been since Zed left without a word, leaving a silence that echoed in the corners of my mind like an unanswered prayer. I sat in my car, parked outside his house, the weight of my thoughts pressing down on me like a heavy blanket. The sun had dipped below the horizon, and twilight cast a soft glow on the familiar driveway. I could see Zed's SUV, a constant reminder of the man who had filled my life with laughter and warmth, now seemingly absent.

Mimi had called earlier, her voice a soothing balm amid my turmoil. She apologized for the situation, though I assured her there was nothing to apologize for. My past had a way of creeping in, and Lani—my past—was a part of my life that I had neglected to mention. I should have been honest with Zed, but honesty felt like a double-edged sword, one that could cut through the delicate threads of our relationship.

"I can't wait anymore" I whispered to myself, the tears threatening to spill over. "I can't even remember the last time we've been apart for this long."

The thought of Zed's silence gnawed at me, a relentless ache in my chest. I wanted to reach out, to bridge the chasm that had formed between us, but I knew that I had to respect his feelings.

"He'll come around eventually" I recalled Cj's words, but the hope felt fragile, like a flickering candle in a storm.

"I miss him" I hiccupped, shutting off the engine. The darkness enveloped me as I stepped out of the car, my heart racing. I had parked next to his SUV, a sign that I was still tethered to him, even if only by a thread.

The house was silent, cloaked in shadows. I slipped off my shoes and crept through the familiar halls, each step echoing in the stillness. Zed's room was just ahead, a sanctuary that held both our memories and our secrets. I found him there, asleep, a double-stacked foam cup on his bedside table, purple liquid swirling like the chaos in my mind. An empty pill bottle lay nearby, and an ashtray overflowed with the remnants of his vices.

"Baby?" I called softly, trying to shake him awake.

"Go home" he muttered, turning away from me.

"No, please. You promised you wouldn't leave me. I'm sorry" I pleaded, my voice trembling.

"I'm asking you to leave nicely, Ja'kiya" he replied, his tone flat, devoid of warmth.

Tears welled in my eyes as I stared at his back, a wall that felt insurmountable. With a heavy heart, I began to undress, climbing into bed beside him. He shifted away, but I could sense that he didn't truly want me to go. This was a man who lived and breathed me, and the thought of losing him felt like a dagger to my heart.

"It happened during our last girls' trip" I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper. "I just went through a breakup, got too drunk, and I honestly don't remember everything that happened. But I do have a hazy memory of us in bed together and Mimi walking in on us."

"Did she touch you while we've been together?" Zed's voice was sharp, laced with anger. "you been with any other of your friends?"

"No, never" I replied quickly, desperate to reassure him.

"Ight, leave" he said again, his words cutting through the air like a knife.

"Zedadiah, please. I can't sleep without you. I don't want to." I inched closer, wrapping my legs around his waist, feeling the warmth of him against my skin.

"I ain't tryna hear that shit. I left you at your crib to get away from you. Fuck out my face" he grunted, pushing me away.

Sobs escaped my lips as I crawled over his hip, holding onto him with all my strength. "Baby, please stop. I understand you're upset with me, but I can't leave you. I don't trust myself, and I'm really scared of losing you."

I felt his heart racing against mine as he tried to push me away again. "Kiy—"

"No!" I screamed, the desperation spilling out of me. I buried my head in his chest, clinging to him as if he were my lifeline. "Please, Zeddie."

"Stop all dis cryin in my face. Go home" he mumbled, flatly pushing down on my thighs to free himself from my grip.

The air thinned in my lungs as I felt the fight drain out of me. I stopped resisting, my hands clawing at my throat, feeling as if an invisible rope was tightening around it.

Zed pushed me away gently, but when he noticed my distress, he blew air in my face and pulled me back, taking both of my hands in his.

That seemed to cut the rope allowing me to gasp in air.

"Nothin there, stop scratching" he sighed, rubbing his thumb gently against the fresh claw marks I had left on myself. "I don't want to talk to you right now, so I'm asking you to wait fa me at home. I love you; I'm not breaking up with you, alright?"

Shaking my head, I inched closer, clinging to his legs. "You don't have to speak to me. I'll be quiet too. Please Baby"

Staring at me silently as he thought it over with a small sigh and head nod.

"Turn round" he mumbles releasing my hands from his hold.

My lips tremble as I did as introduced. I tried to scoot back into his embrace but was stopped by his hand on my hip.

The tears that welled in my eyes fell at this. Accepting it I laid my head against his pillow trying to will myself to stop crying.

But I couldn't.

I laid there in tears for wait felt like hours before Zed pulled me in close with a deep sigh laying his head on my back.

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