Faded

xiii

Today was one of those bad days

I have taken to sitting on my own at lunch.

I prefer it that way.

But as I got up, Lauren approached.

She asked what was wrong with me but

It was in a mean way.

Words were caught in my throat

As it had suddenly closed up, tight.

Then she called me a little skanky 

Bitch.

What did I do wrong?

I tried not to cry but it was difficult.

The situation was out of control and I wanted to

Just escape the eyes that were swerving around

To watch me.

Everyone was watching me.

I tried to

Evade the eyes that followed as I ran

Out of the lunch hall,

Clutching my bag

Close to my chest.

Lauren had changed.

I didn't like her anymore, I realised.

Being alone is nice, sometimes,

But

I just want a friend.

Because being rejected is wearisome.

Being forgotten is not easy to accept.

Being hated is a terrible feeling that

Makes me feel sick to my stomach.

When I got home I cried in my room and didn't allow

Myself to eat for the rest of the day.

The emptiness of my stomach was the pain

I deserved.

I allowed myself to fall through the darkness,

Like I had jumped and now

I'm just waiting for the ground

To come rushing up to meet me.

(Found written on some forgotten maths homework)