Letting Go

Epilogue

One year after Caitlin’s death

“A year ago I stood in front of you and told you all about how great Caitlin was and how great my life was when she was in it. Today I stand before you, to tell you the same thing but now I’m also expected to tell you how much my past year has sucked without her.” I received a small chuckle from the crowd even though my statement was completely accurate.

I was the last one of the speakers at Caitlin’s memorial before me was her family’s pastor, Aunt Carol and her Uncle from her dad’s side, Jeff. I think it was a little too emotional for her parents and Spencer so they decided just to sit and listen rather than speak.
“There is a quote that reads; when someone we love dies, we are then given the job of double living. So far I’ve moved out to New York to study at NYU, something the two of us had planned on doing together. I’ve started a yoga class, something Caitlin found ridiculous but secretly always wanted to try out.” Another chuckle from the audience. “I have read the entire Divergent series and found out who the infamous ‘A’ from Pretty Little Liars is. It’s not much but it’s a start.

All these things I would have loved to have said I did with her instead of for her but I guess not everything works out the way we want it to. Then again I guess I will always be doing things with her because a small part of her will always be with me, no scratch that- a huge part of her will always live within me and all of the people she touched in her short lifetime.”

I took a large gulp of air at this moment as my vision started to blur due to the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. “You know what I’m actually going to tell you the truth right now; I may have just made it seem as if this past year has been easy and that I’ve stayed positive about it all but that’s a lie.” I sniffed, as my voice began to break.

“This year has been torture, at one point everything just seemed to be going wrong and I just wanted to give up but I couldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair right? It wouldn’t be fair to give up a life I was given when Caitlin’s was just taken away from her. We are given a choice everyday whether to give up or to continue living.

On the 23 March 2015 Caitlin Lachowski was no longer given a choice; her only option was to give up.” I paused to gather my thoughts then continued. “You know sometimes I wake up wishing I hadn’t, I mean a life without Caitlin just seems so…so pointless you know.” A sob escaped my mouth and I was handed a tissue from Pastor Paul. I thanked him softly and dabbed my eyes trying to rid the tears pouring onto my face.

“But every day I have to get out of bed and carry living because once you’ve lost someone so close to you, you realise that life is only temporary and sometime or another you have to accept that this is how it is and it won’t get better or worse and the only thing left to do is live.” There were a few murmurs in agreement which I took as my cue to carry on. “There were times I’d come home and just cry, I would just cry until I couldn’t anymore. She meant so much to me and at first I would ask myself; how can the world continue turning when my world has stopped breathing? How could everyone act all normal as if nothing happened? Focusing on what you’ve lost instead of what you have will drive you mad. Thinking of the ‘what-ifs’ and the ‘maybes’ will just make you feel depressed, trust me I know first-hand what that feels like. I think at some point during this part year I sort of forgot about Caitlin and that she was no longer here I started to feel normal again and at that made me feel extremely guilty because I was supposed to be her best friend right? Best friends shouldn’t forget about each other but then someone reminded me that it’s okay to carry on living my own life and just because I forgot about her death doesn’t mean I forgot about the time we spent together. The memories of the time we shared curses through my mind every day and I will never forget it.” I looked down at the audience and saw Spencer staring at me with glossy eyes. We don’t talk much about her death but that day I couldn’t help it.