Unspeakable Acts (bwwm)

26

| Alyssa mitchell |
📍 washington

I don't realize everything is changing while it's happening. Life after Thanksgiving settles into something soft and steady, the kind of rhythm that makes days blur together. Winter fades out slowly, replaced by longer evenings and warmer air. Jaxon and I fall into patterns that are natural. He's still everywhere in my life, still my safe place, still the person I reach for without thinking. Nothing feels wrong.

We spend nights wrapped around each other, his arm heavy across my waist, my back pressed into his chest. He kisses me before he leaves and texts me when he gets home. He listens when I talk, really listens, like my words matter more than the rest of the world combined. He still treats me like I'm something fragile and strong at the same time.

But sometimes, when I'm not paying attention, a quiet thought slips in.

Why does it feel different?

I brushed it off at first. Relationships change. They grow. They settle. Not everything needs a reason. Jaxon is still loving, still affectionate, still intentional with me. If anything, he's more protective now. He walks closer when we're out. He pulls me to the inside of the sidewalk. He makes sure I text him when I get home. It feels sweet and caring. So I don't question it.

The changes I do notice are smaller, more personal. They happen inside me. I started noticing my body again. It sneaks up on me in mirrors and reflections. In store windows. In the way my clothes sit when I move.

this morning, I caught myself tugging my shirt down before I even realized i was doing it. I haven't felt this way in a while. Jaxon never makes comments. Never even looks at me differently. But my brain doesn't care about logic. It starts whispering anyway. Asking questions I don't want answers to.

What if he gets tired of this? Of me?

it's a little later in the day, it's a saturday so i've been the only one home. jaxon left early this morning so im just relaxing and catching up on alone time. i'm watching game of thrones when i hear the front door unlock, as i look towards the door jaxon steps in holding his keys and phone. he smiles coming to sit next to me on the couch.

"hey baby, how are you?" he questions me.

i smile sheepishly, "hi, you're back"

he kisses my cheek as he grabs the remote to pause my show, "do you trust me?"

of course i do, so i head upstairs and quickly get ready. He doesn't make a big deal out of it, just says he wants to show me something. His tone is casual enough that I don't think twice.

the ride is long, we arrive to huge open and empty field, calm in a way that makes the air feel still. When he pulls out the gun, my heart jumps hard in my chest.

hes going to kill me. lmao

"Jaxon???" I say, startled. He immediately slows down, his voice gentle. "Hey. It's okay. I promise."

He explains it simply and carefully. He says it's just in case. That he wants me to know how to use one, not because something is wrong, but because the world can be unpredictable.

He never pressures me. Never rushes. He watches my face the entire time like he's gauging how I feel, ready to stop if I say the word. I don't love it. The weight of it in my hands feels strange and serious. But I trust him.

"You don't have to carry one," he tells me. "I just want you to know." That's all.

On the drive home, I stare out the window, trying to sort through my thoughts. I don't feel scared. Just unsettled in a way I can't explain. like genuinely what is going on, i feel so weird and i can't understand or put my finger on the feeling.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Yeah," I say. "Just thinking."

He reaches over, laces his fingers through mine, squeezing gently like he always does. The feeling passes.

Months go by and life continues as usual. Dates. Sleepovers. Lazy afternoons spent doing nothing together. But something inside me keeps poking at old wounds.

I start changing outfits more often. Questioning myself more. Wondering if I'm enough in ways I never questioned before. It's exhausting, fighting a version of myself I thought I'd left behind.

Jaxon is over today and we've just been relaxing together, it feels like a lot of relaxing lately. it's my fault though, i always suggest it because lately i haven't been wanting to go out in public. while we're lying in bed, I trace slow patterns across his chest, my thoughts tangled.

"You ever feel like I overthink too much?" I ask quietly.

He turns toward me. "Sometimes. But that's not a bad thing."

"What if it gets annoying?"

He frowns slightly, confused. "Why would it?"

I shrug, suddenly embarrassed. "I don't know. I just... don't want to push you away."

He lifts my chin so I'm forced to look at him. "You're not pushing me anywhere."

I nod, but the doubt doesn't disappear. It settles deeper instead.

I hate that part of myself. The part that looks for cracks where none exist. The part that waits for love to be taken away. The self sabotaging part of me.

Jaxon doesn't know any of this. Not really. I don't tell him how loud my thoughts get when I'm alone. I don't tell him how sometimes, when he's quiet, my chest tightens even though I know he's allowed to be.

He's still the same Jaxon with me. But I can't shake the feeling that something unseen is shifting, like a current beneath the surface of calm water. I don't know what it is.

I just know I don't feel as steady as I used to.
And for the first time in a long time, I'm scared that my own mind might be the thing that ruins something good. i haven't had something good in a long time, and now i may just ruin it.

1016