The three kings of hell

Mission: Bigfoot

[File thwacks onto desk]

I.M.P Case File:

TARGET: Bigfoot / Sasquatch
LOCATION: Pacific Northwest
DESCRIPTION: Big... feet?
INFO:
???

[At a restaurant at the Pacific Northwest, Millie and Moxxie are undercover, both disguised as a trenchcoat-wearing man. Millie is at the top wearing a hat and mustache, reading a newspaper on Bigfoot's sightings. Moxxie, who is at the bottom, is drinking a root beer, and since he's located right at the crotch level of the trenchcoat, he essentially comes across as their sentient penis. A waiter comes up with a pitcher.]

Waiter: Does your dick need a refill?

Millie: [deep voice] No thankssss.

[Moxxie gives a thumbs-up in approval.]

Waiter: Okay. [leaves]

[Blitzo kicks open the front door, dressed in disguise complete with rollerblades as he skates inside and takes a seat at another booth.]

Blitzo: Eugh, another dead end. [starts reading the file] They all act like they know this sasquatch guy, but then no one sees him!

Millie: Yeaaah, something tells me they ain't the observant types.

[Blitzo pulls out his phone and calls Jack and Mark.]

Blitzo: Why the fuck aren't you two here?

Mark: Blitzo, we have a lot of sinners applying to the hotel and Charlie needs all the help she can get.

Jack: So your shit out of luck. Besides everyone knows Bigfoot is a 10 foot human with hair all over his body, and not a mythical creature.

Blitzo: Fine whatever but I'm taking this out of your pays. [Hangs up]

[Unknown to I.M.P, the silhouette of Bigfoot is visible in the parking lot. He peeks at them from a nearby car, then slinks into the shadows.]

Blitzo: [looking at a photo] I'm so fucking confused. They gave me, like, the world's blurriest photograph, the dude's got two names—

Moxxie: [emerges from the trenchcoat] Maybe Bigfoot is his street name. [badly acts like a rapper] Bigfoot~!

[Record scratch]

Blitzo: Moxxie, never do that again.

[Just then, Adrian, an elderly drunk, catches I.M.P's attention.]

Adrian: I done seens a squatch. [digs knife into his table]

Blitzo: Oh, yeah, ignore that guy. He's insane.

Adrian: I seens demons, too.

Blitzo: Uh-huh, sasquatch and demons, that's a lot! Why don't we just stick to the first thing for now?

Adrian: I've seen squatches aplenty! [points knife at carving of a sasquatch terrorizing a town] Down by the ol' sugar mill, squatch sleeps around on chimneys and such. [looks at a carving of his wife divorcing him] Wife disappears on me. [looks at carving of his wife running off with a sasquatch] Run off with a squatch. [looks at a carving of his brother getting killed by a sasquatch] My brother done died squatching. [looks at carving of his brother hunting the sasquatch at its den] Heard him a tale of a squatch den in the woods down by Whistler's Creek. [stabs knife and carves gash near the den] Squatch done got him. Spit out his leg bone. Open casket... Just the leg. [shows tattoo of the casket; I.M.P are annoyed and don't believe him] Rest is with the squatch.

[Bigfoot stands outside the entrance of the restaurant, now donning clothing. He suddenly bursts in, revealing he is the town mayor.]

Mr. Mayor: What's this I hear about a... sasquatch? Adrian, you simply must stop spouting this nonsense! [smacks Adrian and his drink onto the table] Sasquatch is but a myth! Pure poppycock! I do apologize; I am the mayor of this town! You'll find it's quite ordinary, I'm afraid. [examines I.M.P. with a magnifying glass] Ah, poor Adrian is our village idiot. [Adrian tries to get up, but the Mayor punches him down on his table once more.] He's lost his marbles! Dreadfully tragic.