The three kings of hell

I.M.P training video

[The short opens on a VHS recording of a blue screen with PLAY and a timer, before cutting to the I.M.P Headquarters.]

Narrator: Hello, and congratulations on your exciting new career as a contract killer for I.M.P, the Immediate Murder Professionals!

[Cut to the main office of I.M.P, where Blitzo hangs up a sign next to his portrait.]

Narrator: Founded by sexual dynamo Blitzo Buckzo, I.M.P is the number one imp-run business in the Pride Ring, probably.

[The camera pans out to reveal a fake "TOP BIZNESS AWARD" sign, which falls off to reveal a certificate to Blitzo for purchasing every single one of their horse plates. Blitzo puts up an employee of the month picture of Loona, whose face is covered with a piece of paper reading "YOU!"]

Narrator: And now you're going to be part of the magic.

[Cut to Blitzo in his office.]

Blitzo: [to the viewers] Hi, girl! [realizes] Shit. OK, just keep rolling. Yarr, me heartie. [realizes] That's in fucking pirate! OK. [clears throat] Howdy, new guy— new girl— them. I am Blitzo, with the silent "O". [Millie puts up an upside-down sign reading "BLITZØ <- SILENT UR NEW BOSS] And I'm going to be your new boss now, 'kay?

Jack: (o.s) Wow. That was shit.

Mark: (o.s) You couldn't have said new recruits?

Moxxie: Uh, sir? They would have met you at the interview.

Blitzo: [throws lamp at Moxxie] Moxxie, just shut your fat fucking little— Fuck it, just keep rolling. Loona will cut it down later.

[Cut to an I.M.P meeting where Blitzo is speaking to the interns from "Mastermind", showing brand synergy, before handing them copies of an employee survey.]

Narrator: At I.M.P, we lead the way in progressive workplace practices. Before your training begins, please make sure to fill out your required voluntary employee surveys so that we can make sure you feel seen and heard.

Blitzo: OK, I'm gonna need your gender, species, and sexual preferences cuz I want to make sure my workplace slurs land.

Jack: (o.s) Wait. I didn't have to fill this out, why do they have too?

Blitzo: Your a powerful overlord/angel.

Jack: (o.s) Touché.

Narrator: Phew. Now with that bullshit out of the way, let's get to the good stuff: Training to be an assassin!

[Enter Blitzo with an obvious greenscreen outline.]

Blitzo: Listen up, chucklefucks, it's time to teach you my foolproof method to becoming the perfect contract killer. All you have to remember is ASSASSIN! We're gonna be doing those word things where the word stands for other shit, and all good businesses do it, and it's not fucking stupid, it's smart, OK, Moxxie?! It is professional, and we are doing it, so do not ask me not to—!

[Cut to Blitzo calmly explaining what the acronym means.]

Blitzo: The first thing you have to remember is ASS. That stands for assess. You need to assess your target, and that starts the minute a client talks to reception. Hey, Loony, take it away!

[Cut to Blitzo filming Loona at the receptionist's desk when Moxxie comes in, dressed as a Southern woman.]

Moxxie: [in a Southern accent] Hello, my name is Adelaide Scarlett, an heiress who ran afoul of a nasty brute named Emmanuel Morgoon. He's the second cousin of the local oil baron, and he—

Blitzo: [off-screen] Oh, for fuck's sake, Moxxie, I said to keep it simple!

Jack: (o.s) I actually have to agree.