paranoid : lrh

twenty - three

WARNING: content may be triggering

_____________

Luke's never felt this guilty in his life. He feels so mad at himself. He hates himself.

Why did he do that to her?

Why did he leave Violet?

Luke shook his head at himself, tears rolling down his cheeks. He tried blocking out the sound of his aunt yelling at her drug dealer through the phone - but the only thing he could think of was how he left Violet after kissing her.

He doesn't regret kissing her, at all, but he deeply regrets how he left her. He shouldn't have done that.

But he made that mistake and has no other option but to punish himself with his own thoughts - he craved the feeling of her lips again. He craved her panting against his lips again. He craved her warmth. He craved her embrace already. Five days it's been and he's already going insane.

He told his therapist about the situation and she just had to be brutally honest. She said that maybe falling in love (Luke's distraught about that statement) with Violet wasn't the best thing to do in her situation.

She told him not to get his hopes up with a relationship with Violet, and Luke doesn't appreciate her "observation".

He didn't care that Violet didn't speak, he fully understood her with her cute little facial expressions, hand movement, mouthing or little notes. He found her absolutely adorable and he'll admit something.

He's fallen in love with Violet Darling.

But he knew she didn't feel the same, he knew how she was locked up inside, he knew how she hardly even wanted friends - and furthermore, he understood.

He knew his therapist was somewhat right, that a relationship with her would be seemingly impossible. But he was too naive to want to believe that, so he decided not to.

But he felt broken.

He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to think about other things than his feelings for the girl. But he knew he couldn't, and he didn't.

He needs to find someone else, he needs to find a different girl, someone else he could love. Maybe someone less confusing.

But he didn't want anyone else, he wanted Violet.

But he couldn't have Violet.

He knew she deserved better, someone maybe more understanding, someone who could be there all the time, someone who didn't have his own problems, someone normal.

She deserved to be happy and as stupid as Luke was, he knew he wasn't what she deserved.

What could Luke do? Luke wasn't anything special at all. Luke wasn't even that attractive. Atleast he didn't find himself atteactive.

He wasn't great - he was sad and depressing his whole life. He never meant much to anyone. He doesn't mean much to anyone. He's only spoken to his parents once in the three months he's been here. Like they care.

Fuck, even he didn't care about himself.

He hid his face in his hands, not realizing he was crying until he noticed his palms get wet.

Dammit.

He took a deep breath and stood up, letting his feet carry themselves to his bathroom. He's baffled by the fact that he has his own bathroom in this shithole.