paranoid : lrh

thirty - four

" It's unhappiness that brings us here, to this dark place where the thoughts of my mind lay. It's a dark place where I am stuck in, and have not found an escape yet. It's a prison of lost hope and concern, a prison where the only thing you think about is how you're not good enough, how you could do better.

"It's a place your heart doesn't count, your body isn't small and slim enough and your face isn't pretty enough. Your hair looks weird, your outfit's gross and your legs jiggle when you walk and you can hear the words fatfatfat repeat themselves in our mind.

"It's a place where there is no light, a place you're trapped in, left to dwell on what's right - but nothing is. No one wants you, no one loves you, no one cares about you. You're worthless. If you died, probably no one would blink an eye and if they did - they'd get over it quickly. You're not important. You're not a prime part in anyone's life. You're just kinda...there.

"It's a place where your thoughts are louder than your voice, you can scream and yell but all you can hear is those taunting voices stuck in your mind; reminding you of how much you don't matter, how disgusting you are, how useless you are, how much of a waste of space you are.

"It's somewhere you regret not jumping off that bridge you nearly did, those months ago. You regret those promises you made to the people you love. You regret letting your walls break down and letting people in.

"Somewhere you feel like your voice just annoys everyone, and your presence is always unwanted, and your complaints are headdrilling to everyone.

"This place...this place I'm trapped in...it isn't a happy place. It keeps you awake all night until late morning. It makes you cry and breakdown whenever something doesn't go right. It makes you stare into the mirror everyday, hating what you see. It's feeling like your razors should go deeper until all you're pain is taken away. Your pills look like candy, ready to be popped. Your mind is a dark alley with echoing torture. Your voice is just vibrations. Your blood is worthless, you take it.

"Everything. Everything I'm doing is wrong and I hate this. I feel tired all the damn time and I don't know how to fix it, because even with a good nights sleep, I'm exhausted. I feel drained. I can't even smile anymore. I can't deliberately laugh or find something enjoyable or funny. I can't find a future for me. I can't find anything to make me happy, really. I can't find anything to count on. I can't decide on what I want. My whole world is conflicting. I always feel like I want to scream, yell, cry. I wish I could just go somewhere to scream as loud as I can and just let it all out. I wish there could be a cure so taking my life away and giving up isn't an option.

"I especially hate my voice. All those years where I didn't speak, I had the little hope that if I ever did - my voice would overempower the voices in my head. I hoped it would release the emotions I keep inside of me. I hoped it would make me better. And I never wanted to speak, because I didn't want to find out if it really did help or make me better or not. And now, just because of stupid Michael Clifford, I'm talking and disappointed in myself. Because the only hope I had was that my voice would somehow make it all go away. But it didn't. That was the only bit of hope I never wanted to risk losing and I did, I lost it. Because now I have two problems - my voice and my emotions. And I only know how to get rid of one."

Violet didn't bother watching her new therapist read over the words inked into her notebook, the words she wrote only the night before at 3am. Because 3am is the time that Violet hit a brick wall of emotions, and she was advised to write them down.

She didn't want to see her therapists, Dr Chesters, judging eyes or disappointed complexion. From what Violet could tell, Dr Chester was a very happy and carefree woman. A bright smile on her face alot and a friendly glimmer in her eyes. But no wedding ring on her finger, which made Violet upset for her - because she seemed like an amazing person, who wouldn't want to marry her?