lucila//l.h.

36%

Lucila Grey

I don't remember what life was before him. All I know is that this after him is not at all what I expected. I don't think I really ever thought about an after him. There was never supposed to be an after him. All I wanted was love and I didn't know where to find it, how to feel it or how to ask for it. I know Luke felt it before once and I suspect it felt exactly how it does with Kim. If not, why marry her?

I've seen Kenny a lot since I cried on his shoulder. He pushed to know why I was crying and what had turned my mood so quickly. I didn't explain it and he didn't known what to say about it. I fell asleep ontop of him and he held me until maybe 2am. I talked to my therapist and she convinced me of my abandonment issues. I lost my mom, now Luke, so instead of growing any attachment towards Kenny I'm simply trying to ignore it all completely.

I suppose Kenny seemed to want to get to know me and that's what had me convinced to just keep up our sexual relationship. So when he asked me to slow down I simply didn't understand and I figured he just didn't want me. No one wants me. I am worthless and Luke has made that very clear and now with Kenny? Well, I am sinning even more in gods eyes.

I'm told I'm too hard on myself that I don't seem to share the blame evenly. There's two to tango after all. I guess it's easier to blame me than them because in some odd sense I feel better knowing it's in my control? My therapist tells me it's "Because once you acknowledge their responsibility, you also have to face the reality that you cannot fully control another person's behavior" she wants to talk about Luke a lot more than Kenny. She said what Luke has done was not appropriate and if I ever wanted to discuss it with a detective I could. I'm not angry though. I'm not sad I'm just numb.

Today is a better day I suppose. Kenny gave me a few hits of his blunt and I'm feeling much better than I have in months. I just simply could not stop laughing. He said it could "lighten my mood" my laugh is making him laugh and I could not ask for a better blunt buddy. "Blunt buddy!" I shout laughing hysterically "my little bb" I tell him pinching his cheeks he jokingly pushes my hands away which makes me laugh more and lean back into his back seats.

"Lucila" I hear my name but I honestly couldn't focus I figured I must be incredibly high. "Lucila hey lucila" I see Kenny's big hand waving in front of my face and I try to focus. I grab his hand bringing it closer to my face "holy shit your hand is hUge" I tell him laughing. "Look at this you can fit both my boobs in one hand" I laugh harder as I smoosh my both tits into his hand. His grasp lingers when I take my hands off his. He massages them. I bite my lip allowing him access to do whatever he wanted to. He brings his lips to mine making out with me. I slide my legs on top of him breathing in his breath. He bites my lower lip gently and his erection grows in his sweats.

"lucila" he pulls away from me staring me in the eyes. I can't recall where I've seen these serious eyes. He's got both of his hands on my thighs. He's looking at me like my father did when I lost my mom. I blink trying to get my father off of Kenny's face.

"Lucila?" He questions and I look at him "yeah?" I ask him and he grabs my face so I look him in the eyes. It's a gentle touch not harsh "Lucila I love you" he tells me and that's when the car caves in. It's a million degrees the car is spinning and I'm growing nauseous by the minute. I grab onto the
car door kneeling over the car door throwing up.

•••

"No I'm pretty sure that's the reaction everyone is hoping for when they confess how they feel Lu" he says it with a hint of seriousness before chuck fling. He must still be high. I'm currently not having any fun because I'm still incredibly nauseous my stomach is doing flips.

"You know me and Rachel are done right?" He asks sliding closer on the curb we decided to sit on so I could get some fresh air. I honestly wasn't aware of their situation nor did I care. It's August and my birthday is in a week. This is not something we've discussed. We decided after our 'talk' that maybe friends was best because I didn't want to risk getting hurt. I guess our time spent together has given him an idea.

In a way I feel as though I pushed feeling for him down because I didn't want to overstep his relationship with Rachel and the fear of being rejected again by him was still a fresh wound I didn't heal. Kenny brings me out of my trance by clasping his hand into mine "I'm sorry I've hurt you" he tells me and I believe him. "I should have never left you. I missed you." He tells me and I left out a soft smile. "What happens in a week or two? You go back to school" I tell him and he gulps.

"I'll make sure I'm available. I won't see anyone be with anyone. I just want you lu and I'm sorry I haven't shown that" he tells me brushing a strain of hair from my face. "I love you" he tells me. He leans in and I don't say anything back but I do lean into the kiss. This time is different. This time I believe it's love.