The Lost Roses

Chapter Twenty-Three

When I wake up it's dark and I'm cold. I can't move my hands from above my head. I feel damp. Like I did in the cellar. When my eyes adjust To the dark I realize I am back in the cellar. What? How did I get back here? What..what if I never left? Did I imagine being rescued? My train of thought is completely wrecked when Christopher walks down the steps.
"Our fun was interrupted. But now I can continue. And since I know no one will find you this time, I won't be killing you." He walks closer taking his knife out and flicking it open. I start pulling against the ropes panicking. I know exactly what's about to happen. And I can't go through it again. I start screaming as he cuts my hands free and throws me on the table. He rapes me again and again. Only it seems much worse than it ever did. And something's different. I don't remember him turning on a computer and camera. And this time he flips me over to look at me. I close my eyes not wanting to see him. When I feel his knife on me I start screaming again. When I feel it go to my neck I wrench my eyes open. But things change. I'm in my own bed in my own house.
"Zoey! Zoey, it's just a dream it's okay!" Lucas is kneeling in front of me on the bed.
"What? What happened? I was in the cellar. And he raped me. And he was going to kill me again. Oh god, Lucas." I start sobbing into his chest. He just holds me to him trying to comfort me. After quite some time the sobbing subsides.
"Are you okay now?" I nod my head against him. Things will never really be okay. But I know I'm safe. And that's what matters.
"I'm sorry."
"For what? God you have absolutely no reason to be sorry. If anything, I do. It's my fault he got you."
"No. I meant I'm sorry I got snot all over you." He laughs at me.
"Seriously? I'm not worried. It's just a t-shirt. I can wash it."
"Still. It's gross. You're all wet and sticky." He pushes me back a bit and takes off his tee. He wipes my face with it and throws it to some remote corner of the room before pulling me back to him. "I want to sleep but I'm too scared."
"I understand. But you need to. If you want I can go get your sleeping pills. You aren't supposed to dream at all with those. And I can go get a dream catcher. I have a couple of those. For just in case."
"Okay." I don't want to be drugged up. But I'm exhausted and I don't want to have nightmares either. He lays me back down and gets up. I close my eyes and try to think of anything but my nightmare. I thought it was real. I thought I was about to go through all of that all over again. I hope not. I so severely hope not. Anything could happen. One of his friends could know where I live and try to take me. Stop! Stop thinking about it. God... I am so fucked up. Well at least now me and Lucas are perfect for each other. I'm just as fucked up as him. And the worst part is...I understand. I understand why he kidnapped all of us. When I was with Christopher I had no control. When Lucas took us he had a whole new world of control. He got to decide every little detail of his life. It makes me want to go kidnap some guys and lock them in the basement. Lucas probably would not be too happy with that. And in the end I wouldn't be able to do any of it. I could never hurt someone the way I was. Lucas returns with water and the pills. I take them, thankful for them. He tacks two dream catchers above the bed as well. I smile at them. The pills take effect pretty quickly and I'm slipping away before I know what's happening.when I wake up again I'm wrapped tightly around Lucas. He's softly snoring next to me. I love the moments like this. He looks so child like and innocent in that moment. I play with curls twisting them around my finger. I love this boy. I don't know what to do about our relationship. I love him but he's treating me like I'm broken already. I mean I am. I've been destroyed. Christopher took away any bit of innocence I still had. He took away everything Lucas hadn't been able to. He truly broke me. I thought Lucas had. Turns out, I had a lot more to give.
"What are you thinking about." I jump and grip his hair a little tighter. "Ouch. Zoey. My hair." I let go immediately. Realizing I hadn't stopped pulling.
"Sorry. You scared me. I guess I got lost in my thoughts and didn't realize you woke up."
"I know. But what captured your thoughts so intensely?"
"You. And Christopher. And how unbelievably broken I am. You know, I understand now. I completely understand why you took us all. With Christopher you had no control. But with us, you could control everything. I finally get it. You managed to put yourself back together by destroying us. Or trying to. You made us all stronger. Christopher....that disgusting beast...he destroyed me. I thought you broke me beyond fixing. But no, you didn't. You just took me out of my 'everything is perfect' mindset and threw me into reality. I can thank you for that. You've showed me some twisted version of love. Your version. And I get it now. But he makes me want to take my entire bottle of pain killers and never wake up. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I don't want to depend on pills. I don't want to have to see a therapist every week. I don't want you to treat me like I'm a fragile piece of glass. No things will never be the same. But I miss normal. I want what I had before. God I was so pissed off at you at Disney. I just didn't understand. I was so upset. And then we were okay. Not all the great. But okay. And then he happens. It's like no matter what, every time we're having a good period, something fucks it up." I stop talking and shove my face in my pillow. Maybe I can suffocate myself.
"Zoey look at me." I look over at him. I'd rather continue to try to suffocate myself. But he should at least be able to say bye. Right? Right. "Nothing that has happened has been your fault. None of this should have happened to you. And if I had never taken you he would never have gotten a hold of you. I am so unbelievably sorry. I can't even express that enough. I was being immature at Disney. And I'm sorry. And I know nothing ever seems to go our way. But I can't change that. I can only hope to keep going because I know things will get better. And I know you don't want the pills. But you need them for now. And if, after you see the therapist later today, you decide you don't like her, then fine. I won't make you go back. But if I do that, then you have to swear you will tell me when you're upset or depressed or anything. Okay?"
"Okay. And I know none of its my fault. I only have you to blame." I feel bad for my comment but it's true.
"I know. I'm sorry." He looks like he's going to cry and a lone tear falls.
"I'm sorry Lucas. I didn't mean that. I.. I just-"
"Don't. You meant it. And it's true. Trust me I've told myself that enough." I just hold him while cries. His head lays on my stomach. Ugh. I should be the one upset. Not him. But I guess he went through a lot too. I don't know what I would do if the roles were reversed. I'd probably be a crying heap right now too. He stops crying and continues laying on me. We both end up drifting back to sleep. When I wake up again Lucas is still laying on me tracing patterns on my bare skin. I just watch him. That is until my stomach growls. Then he looks up at me smirking.
"Someone sounds hungry." I nod my head sheepishly. "Well let's go make something then." We make breakfast, just scrambled eggs and toast. I eat and get dressed before walking outside and waiting for Lucas. He comes out and we get in the car. It's a pretty silent ride into town and to the therapist. I can't believe I have to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. At least I have both appointments today. We get out and go inside. I tell the receptionist my name and soon after an being called back by a young Asian guy.
"Do you want me to go with you?" Lucas asks. He looks scared. And worried.
"No. It's okay. I'll be fine. I'll send for you if I need you."
"Okay." He kisses me on my head and I walk away.
"Hi I'm Dr. Lee. You're Zoey right?"
"Yea." We shake hands and he holds his door open for me, shutting it behind him. "Can you keep it open please." I ask feeling myself start to panic.
"Of course." He reopens the door scribbling something down in his notes. "How are you feeling?"
"Honestly? Like crap. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm pissed off. I hurt. I can't deal with my fiancé touching me. Every time he does I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel disgusting. But at the same time I crave his touch. I don't want him to ever let go. I need his comfort and understanding but at the same time I need to be alone. But when I'm alone I start to panic that he will find me. And I want all the doors shut and locked but then I panic because I feel like I won't be able to leave. I feel stuck and caged in. I feel hopeless." The entire time I talk he's writing.
"Thank you for being honest with me. I kind of just expected an 'okay'. I feel like this will work out. You're already pretty open. Well let's start with your relationship with your fiancé. How is it going, how did you guys meet, etc." Of course he's going there.
"Ummm. Well, we met at a pottery class." Not a lie. We did. "And we started dating shortly after I moved here." Not totally a lie. I can do this. "Actually it's kinda funny. His sister had in a listing for a room mate and I agreed. I didn't know there was any relation until I got to Colorado and got to the house and knocked and he answered." Such a huge lie. It's believable though. Right?
"Where did you move here from?"
"Illinois. I was visiting family in Louidiana when we met. He was visiting some friends and filled in for one of them at the pottery shop."
"I see. Go on."
"Well his sister ended up moving out a couple weeks later. To go to college or something. I dunno. And I stayed. And yea. Things kinda just fell into place."
"When did he propose?"
"Oh a couple months ago."
"Is that the ring?"
"Yea!" I stick my hand out and show him. "It was his moms. It was her wedding ring."
"It's gorgeous. I hope I can find something so perfect for my girlfriend. Do you have any friends here?"
"Yea. I have a girl friend. Courtney. She's the sweetest. We spend a ton of time together. Lucas and I had gone to Disney for a while and when we got back the next day Courtney and I had a girls night and a sleep over and stuff. And the next day I went home and Lucas was so jealous." I laugh at the memory. "I mean she's gay so I guess he has reason to be. He's definitely the jealous type. He showed me this room he made in the house for me. An art room. It's amazing. I think he was just trying to outdo Courtney. I spent all morning and part of the afternoon in there. B..before.." I stutter at the memory and stop talking. "I need Lucas. Now. Please." I can feel myself starting to have a panic attack. He gets up and calls for Lucas down the hall. Lucas is quick about getting here. I stand up and he holds me while I cry. "I don't think this going to work." I say when I've calmed down enough to sit and talk again. I made Lucas stay. We sit in front of the doctor holding hands. Well I'm more squeezing the life out of his hand than anything. But still.
"Why not?" Dr. Lee asks.
"Because I can't even talk about it. I don't want to."
"Then we won't. I won't make you talk about it. That's why I started with your relationship with Lucas. Which seems to be a very strong one based on what I've seen. Anyway, we're out of time. But I'll see you next week. Same day same time."
"Okay." Lucas and I stand up taking turns shaking the doctors hand before leaving. When we get to the car and get in Lucas just sits there. "We have another appointment to get to."
"I know."
"Then start the car."
"What did you tell him about me?"
"That we met at a pottery shop. Shortly after I found a listing here by your sister to be a room mate. I took it. She moved away a few weeks later. I stayed. And here we are."
"I don't have a sister."
"That's why it's called a lie." At that he starts the car and pulls out, driving to our next destination. It's much of the same. I sign in, I wait, and eventually I'm called back by a pretty blonde woman. Older than me. But not by too much.
"I'm doctor Lloyd."
"Hi."
"So you're seeing a therapist as well as me, yes?"
"Yea. Dr. Lee. I just left his office."
"Alright. Yupp. That's right here. Boy does he work fast. So i see you had a panic attack. But when Lucas came in you almost immediately calmed down. I'm sorry, do you mind him being in here?"
"Not at all. He's my fiancé. And the last time I thought I could talk to someone without him I couldn't. So."
"Okay. Well I'm not here for you to talk to the way you do Dr. Lee. I'm here for you to tell me how you're feeling and how certain medicines are working for you. Is that okay?"
"Yea I guess. They have me on an antidepressant, some painkillers, and a sleeping pill."
"I see that. Well I'm going to give you something for anxiety as well. Tell me how it makes you feel and we can go from there."
"Okay." She hands me a prescription and a paper telling me when to come back. We leave and fill my prescriptions before going home.
"Here. Take one of these now. And you need to take you anti depressant."
"I know." I take the pills from him and swallow them down. They make me feel numb. But who cares? I'd rather feel nothing, than feel everything.
"I'm sorry." Lucas says hugging me. I yank out of his hold and cross my arms.
"For what Lucas? I'm so sick of hearing you say sorry. You didn't do this. So stop. Can we please just move on?" I walk away and sit on the couch.
"I don't know how you can act this way." He sits next to me.
"I'm the victim. If I want to ignore what happened and move on and get back to my life before, then I can. If I can fall in love with you, I can get past this. So stop. Please."
"Fine." He looks away and grabs the controller turning on some b rate movie. Whatever. They all suck. I lay my head on his lap and he plays with my hair while we watch a group of teens get killed one by one. I drift off to the sound of screams and the gentle tugs on my hair.