Complexity

I Don't Belong Here

not gonna lie, I am scared. even if i can say that i can handle it alone because it's been years since the first time I understood this. every nightmare, every harsh word, every bully, everything. I'm still scared. even when i know i have someone beside me, i still feel scared because i can't do it alone. i can't stop it alone. i can't handle it alone for good.

i know xinyu can help me, but it doesn't mean i need to count on her every time. i know xinyu will always be saying that to me, but I can't keep the burden all the time on her.

But I am thankful because Xinyu is still there with me. keep my trust. i also try to keep her trust toward me.

i don't want to lose her.

and about my practice with Chaewon, it looks like some of the class members already found out and decided to join along. especially Hayeon. she can't be anywhere far from her girlfriend.

talking about not being anywhere far, it looks like Xinyu is also joining the practice. not as a participant, but as the mentor.

and instead of mentoring all of us, she will pick a fight with Chaewon all of the time, to the point that they will do sparring every end of the practice.

and i need to be honest because the time I saw them practicing fighting, I was either in awe of how Chaewon could dodge everything or worried about what would happen with her.

both Chaewon and Xinyu are actually very strong. both of them can handle each other's attacks. and even so, they were still mocking each other.

"looks like you are getting weak, strawberry princess?"

"can't you see yourself, Zhou Jie?"

and repeat. i want to stop both of them, but i'm scared that i will be the one who will be killed by them. they indeed fight with time, but i don't know what time is left because only SeoAh knows that. it's not like i don't want to ask, but i can't ask. i can't walk toward SeoAh without getting hit.

"Will they be okay?" Nien asked me if she were a new one in this practice.

"yeah. it's usual."

"for how long, usually?"

"3 minutes. but i think this time they will take it longer."

"looks like so."

just when i said that, SeoAh stopped the fight with a single drop of herself to the mattress. all of them are confused, yet i do understand because that is how SeoAh stopped the fight.

"good practice both, but times up. no more fighting." both Chaewon and Xinyu understand and decided to stop it all.

the first thing Chaewon did was run to Hayeon and whine about how tired she was. The same goes for SeoAh, but she runs to Dahyun. i can't see any difference between Chaewon and SeoAh at this moment.

Xinyu? she just tidied up the place carefully while the place owner, Chaewon, didn't give a damn.

"Are you okay?" she asks out of the blue after handing me a bottle of ice water.

"yeah. nothing bad happens. how about you?" she just nodded and sat next to me.

"the practice is over. all of them just walk away like that. none of them are helping me tidy up," she said with a mocking tone.

"Yeah, I wonder why." instead of getting mad, she just chuckled it out and rested her head on my shoulder.

"i'm tired"

"me too, want to go home?"

"can we get cookies on the way home?" Xinyu asking where makes me chuckle because apparently something wrong happened to her if she acts this clingy. probably that time of the month.

and about the bullying, no, they didn't stop. having Xinyu with her rumor near me doesn't stop them. i still get the threat. i still get the nightmare of them at school. they didn't see me invisible as I want to. walking together with the girls still put me in a scared state. I feel like if one day they decide to take and threaten one of the girls. even when I am already at home with Xinyu, Ningning, and Handong, when i know everything just will be fine, I am still scared.

the trauma is there.

the nightmare is there.

Xinyu always helps me to forget everything. She makes sure that i will be fine. even if something bad happens.

until one day.

the moment when i think everything is just done. i go back to the warehouse just because i need to put something after the PE class. i don't feel scared. i feel nothing bad, to be honest.

but i have this kind of eerie feeling because of everything bad that ever happened to me in that room.

stopping on my way in front of the door. contemplating if i want to go inside or not. then Xinyu came, next to me.

"still scared?"

"kind of"

"let's go. i'm here."

thanks to her. i manage to enter the warehouse with her.

until i hear the lock to the door.

it's them.

we are fucked up.