More Than This {Harry Styles}

Chapter 17~ Torn

I sat on my couch, flipping through T.V. channels. It was a Saturday morning, and today I had absolutely nothing going on. Except the big date later on tonight.

My parents and brother went up to our cabin for the weekend, so I decided to stay home. There was nothing really fun about my cabin anymore. Harry always used to come with me in the summers, but now since he was as busy as he was, I knew there was no chance of doing that again.

Cassie and I still weren't on the best terms. I wasn't willing to apologize, because for one, I didn't do anything. Two, she's the one who went behind my back and talked to Harry, for lord knows why.

I was honestly dreading the fact I had to go to this dinner with Harry and Caroline. It disgusted me. Not only that he was dating someone fifteen years older than him, but he made me think he liked me. When he didn't.

Yes, Blake meant the world to me, but there was something about Harry that made him different than everyone else. But I just couldn't put my finger on it. 

I found myself constantly checking my phone for messages from Blake. Or Harry. It was torture not hearing from both of them.

Honestly, I couldn't even describe how I was feeling lately. With so much going on in so little time, it was hard for me to process what was actually happening. Part of me felt like I was losing my best friend, but another part said we were becoming closer. But the thing was, I didn't know which part to believe. And in addition to that, I didn't know if I could even trust myself at all. I tended to screw things up in the process of trying to make them better. You could say I'm torn, because that's basically what I was. I didn't want to lose Harry, but he wasn' putting any effort in our relationship either. Yeah, maybe he texted me once and while, to which I happily ignored it, but then started to have second thoughts, but refrained myself from texting or calling him. He crushed me. And he was perfectly aware of what he was doing. That's what made me the angriest. He apologized, but I don't fully believe he knew what he was apologizing for. And I don't think he meant it either. Just look at when I went to apologize to him, I found him making-out with Caroline. And that diminished my trust for him. I'm not sure what people thought about him, but he was my heartbreaking best friend. 

Some people wonder why I still put up with Harry. Simply because you can't unlove someone that quickly. Especially if you still love them. Those feelings don't just diminish over one night, over one person. It hurts. It hurts to see him with Caroline. It hurts to know that he loved someone else more than me, and chose her. After he told me how he felt. It was all an act, all bullshit. But there was something inside me still holding onto him. Something telling me there was something still there between the both of us. Then I remembered what really happened, and I asked myself, what else could even be there? Why would he want to be with me? But then Blake returned into my mind. I loved him and he loved me. Honestly, I hoped Harry was jealous of us together. I hope he wanted me. I hope he regreted everything he did to hurt me. Because maybe one day I'll be the one returning what he did to me. I want to be worth more than this whole situation. I want to be more than anything to him. 

I felt guilty thinking about Harry so much while I was dating Blake. Sure, he was my best friend, but my world shouldn't revolve around him. I felt like I was stuck in a cycle. A cycle of feeling loved, thinking something was going to happen, then getting crushed. I guess that's always the way it's been.

The hours of the day passed slowly and it seemed to me it would almost never be time to start getting ready for my date. But after hours of sleeping, watching endless hours of Friends, I finally got myself up and started to get ready for the date that could potentially change my life.

I lifted the dress off my hanger in the closet, laying it across my bedspread and stepped into the bathroom, and quickly but thoroughly curled my hair into loose curls. Just like Harry liked it. I sprayed my hair, then doing my make-up. I always seemed to blink while applying mascara, but this time I avoided it. I double checked myself in the mirror, took a deep breath and changed into my dress. My attempts to look sexy were amusing to me, especially when I found it insanely hard to think someone found me attractive even in the slightest way. I put the finishing touches on my ensamble, and headed downstairs, where I impatiently waited for Blake to pick me up.