Beautiful Goodbye

Chapter 3: I Don't Know If I Want to Marry You

We were sitting on a bench on the park where Cass and I first met. It was a fine, cloudy day. There were kids playing with other kids, and dogs were running around as they play fetch with their owner.   

My right arm was slung over the back of Cass' seat with my right leg resting on my left thigh (like doing the number four sitting position). On my left, Cass is doing the indian seat while reading another book. It was The Little Prince this time. I was wearing my ear phones while an All American Rejects song was playing. I looked relax and chill from a third person's perspective but in truth, my insides are wrecked with nerves.   

I'm about to do something I haven't ever done before. I have been thinking about doing this all week. It's freaking scaring me! All kinds of thoughts have been swimming in my mind. What if she doesn't like it? What if she's not yet ready? What if she completely freaks out, slaps me in the face, and embarrass me for the second time in the same park? Pull yourself together, Alex! You weren't born a sissy. Man up! You ca…  

My thoughts were interrupted when I see a hand hovering and moving up and down in front of my face. It was Cassandra trying to get my attention. Oh, I guess I blanked out.  

"What were you thinking? I've been trying to get your attention for over a minute now but you won't budge", Cassandra said giggling at me. Obviously, she found me blanking out funny. I must have looked strange… and weird.  

"Oh." That's all I got to say. I'm still overcome with nerves. It's now or never, Alex!  

"You must have remembered that time when one of your ex-girlfriends gave you a good slap on the face", she started laughing now, "that was pretty funny", she continued in between laughter.  

I rolled my eyes and I can't help but laugh at that too. The joke was on my expense but hey Cassandra's laugh is infectious. "Ha-ha. I'm glad to crack you up."   

"I'm sorry… it was just… funny", she continued to laugh. I look at her with a smile on my face. Suddenly all the nerves I was feeling seconds ago, vanished. Who am I kidding? Why was I so afraid of confessing? It was Cassandra. I know that even if she rejects me and gives me my second slap on the face, I wouldn't care. I'd still say it and I'd say it over and over again.   

With new motivation, I was ready to do it.  

"If you're done having your fun, I was actually listening to this song. It's pretty good. Wanna hear it?" I asked, removing one of the plugs from my ear. She took it and placed it on her left ear.   

"Is this the new All American Rejects song?" Yeah, we both like the band.   

"No, it doesn't come out until next week", I quipped.   

Okay, so my hands are getting sweaty. I scrolled through my iPod for the particular track I recorded for her. It was under the playlist named Cassandra. The playlist also contained some songs that when I listen to always makes me think of her. Yeah, it was my very own Cassandra playlist. Maybe I should make a mix tape for her. Anyway, it was a short track, only about 30 seconds long. I clicked play. It was a track I recorded that says,   

"I love you. I know I said I'm not that guy who would say those three words after just months of knowing a girl…"   

The smile on Cass's face disappeared when the she heard the words, I love you, and was replaced with a shocked one. Oh, oh, that's a bad thing. She faced me with a questioning look and all I could do was make a face urging her to listen on. I guess she knew what I meant because she just stared at me and continued listening to the recording. If I was nervous before then I don't know what I'm feeling now. I stare at Cass and I can't tell how she's feeling. I really wish I was a mind reader right now. I'd die to know what she's thinking.