Beautiful Goodbye

Chapter 5: We Need To Talk

I'm in my car, driving early to the football stadium. The call time for practice was at 8 am, but I took the liberty to wake up earlier than usual and hurried out of the house.

If you're thinking that I was avoiding Cass. That maybe true. Honestly, I'm a mess right now. I'm in the process of just avoiding everything until it all gets better… hopefully.

For the past few days, I can't help thinking how much of a girl I've turned out to be. No offence, to all the girls out there. It's just that I have never thought about my feelings for the combined last 23 years of my life as compared to these last three days. I'm thrust to this epic battle against myself. I'm usually a very head on person but what should I do if the battle is against myself? Woah! They're I go again saying philosophical words. That's another weird new thing about me.

So I left the apartment today early. I was acting like a mouse, moving through the house slowly and quietly, afraid to wake up the sleeping cat. I don't know if Cass noticed something now. I don't think I've acted this weird before. I always wake her up to say goodbye to her when I'm called for an early morning practice. Or I stay up until she comes home when she's called up for a late night in the hospital. Suddenly, I stop doing those things. That must have bothered her somehow. Anyway, I'm just hoping to have a hard practice today and get rid of these unwanted thoughts even for just a day.

As I was cruising through the interstate, I remember another dream I had this morning. It was actually what woke me up today. As compared to my previous ones, this one was not a flashback dream… that's why it completely freaked me out.

I was in the park where I received my first bitch slap and where Cass and I first met. But instead of a bright and sunny atmosphere to greet me, it was bleak and dark, and to top it all off, it was fcuking raining, drenching my clothes and hair.

I was standing beside the big beautiful lake. The lake was always beautiful with the ducks playing in the water. But right now, it looked like a scene from a sci-fi movie. Any minute now, a sea monster should appear from the water.

I was not alone in the park. Cass was with me.

 It was Cass but it did not look like her. Her eyes were red, hinting that she was crying. She was also drenched with the rain, her chestnut hair sticking to her head. It was a sight I can't bear to look at. She looked so.. so broken and beyond reparable. Beyond reparable from what?

I was about to ask her why she was crying and why we were standing in the rain when she began to speak.

"Why did you do this to me, Alex?" She asked. She was looking at me with those beautiful doe eyes… those broken doe eyes. What did I do? I did this to her? I was momentarily shocked.

"Why do you hurt me?"

"Why do you hate me?"

"Why are you leaving me?"

Cass continued to babble on. I can't understand what she means. The last time I checked, we were still okay. Wait, does this mean I broke up with her? Shit! No! I don't remember doing that.

"Cass… I'm sorry."

"Alex… why?"

"I don't know? I don't know."

"I get it", she mumbled to herself, tears brimming from her eyes.

She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes at all. No, Cass, I don't want to break you. "I get it, Alex. You don't love me anymore."

"No-"

"It's okay".

She gave me one last smile and a lone tear escaped from her eyes. And before I knew it she was fading away from me.