Like I said, I always have been chubby, but it changed when I started highschool and gained almost 20 pounds at the end of the first year here.
It's when I started to feel really bad, fat, and I couldn't even stare at my reflection in a mirror without thinking ''what happened here ?''.
It's always kind of hard for me to look in the mirror, still today, because I can't help but notice when I see my face, my huge cheeks, I've always had chubby cheeks but since I gained more weight it's worst.
I notice a double chin, huge arms, big stomach, fat rolls almost everywhere, big breasts, butt, even my fingers are bigger since my rings don't fit anymore.
And then I feel bad, I feel like it's my fault -and it is- but I just can't understand how you can gain 20 pounds in less than a year without changing your eating habits.
Today I'm still carrying this weight that I gained 3 years ago, and I'm still trying to get rid of it.
Now, I'm turning nineteen and I feel like I will never like myself the way everyone should, I feel like I will never be healthy again because whenever I'm upset, I eat my pain away and it's a really bad habit.
You're mad because you don't look the way you want to look so you make everything worse by hiding behind a whole tub of ice cream, chips or cookies.
I'm mad at myself, and I realized later that being mad at everyone won't make me feel better, looking at model on tv or in the magazines envying them won't make me feel better either, the only thing that will make me feel better is changing the way I treat myself and my body, but still realizing it is not going to make me change my bad habits in the same day.
Time is needed to change a person, to create better and healthier habits, and when I see all these people who succeed in this challenge I tell myself that if someone else can do it, I can do it too.
A little motivation, and a plan are probably the best help I can get there.
So, disliking our own body is a hard thing to put ourselves through but we don't have to feel this way forever, we can change ourselves for the better if we are willing to do it.
I don't want to spend everyday of my life avoiding mirrors, windows, or anything that can show me how I look like.
One day I want to be able to look at myself and honestly think, ''wow, I look great'', it's hard to take the time and to work to make a change on myself, but it's even harder to spend my whole life hating myself.
I know that some people probably think that loosing weight, finding our own style, is probably not the only solution and that we should only learn to love ourself, but trust me, I've spent my whole life trying to love myself and I never did.
And I'm not doing this for all the haters who made me feel worthless in my life, I'm doing this for me, to feel proud of myself for doing what I needed to feel better in my own skin.
