I always wondered how it would make me feel if someone told me they found me attractive, beautiful or just pretty and actually mean it.
Of course some people already told me that I looked good, but I always thought it was to make me feel better about myself, I don't believe them especially when they just laugh after saying something like that, when it seems to be a joke to them.
I know nobody should change their opinion about themselves when they get or don't get compliments from people, but I can't help it, I remember almost everything people ever told me.
Especially rude and hurtful things.
I sometimes cry because of this, and then I blame myself for being weak, for letting their useless comments get to me.
But what can I do about it ? I'm strong enough to smile everyday at people who hate me without knowing me,
I'm strong enough to keep up with everyone's comments and opinions that I never asked to get.
I'm strong enough to lie to everyone saying that I'm happy and I'm okay when in reality I'm broken on the inside and nobody will be able to help me fix it whether it is because of my hard thoughts about myself or the unbearable tensions at home.
I hate this, I hate the fact that we live in a society where attractive people rule the world, I hate the fact that everyday I try to be positive about myself until I see my reflexion in something and realize that even if I do succeed in my studies (which is quite complicated at the moment), and find a good and well paid job, the private/romantic side of my life will make me even more upset than I already am.
I hate this, the fact that all the people I cared about always saw me as a buddy, a friend, even a "bro", but never as a girl they could want to have a relationship with.
Because I'm probably nice, probably funny, maybe a little crazy too, but I will never get the attention from someone for my appearance and myself in general because this is the world we live in.
I hate the fact that I see young girls feeling insecure and not confident because they don't think they look good enough, beauty shouldn't define someone, beauty shouldn't be only about the body and the appearance.
It should be about a beautiful mind, a beautiful personality.
Young girls feel the need to change the way they look, the way they speak, the way they act, and it's sickening to see how people can influence the youth.
I hate this even more because I have been through this, I'm still in the middle of this today but I feel so sad when I see how some people act around their "friends", how they change their personality and act like they are okay with everything their so called friends do.
I know how it feels to try to change yourself to fit in a group, to try to be like the cool kids thinking you will probably seem more fun to hang out with, trying to hide your supposed lack of beauty behind a little make up and provocative clothes, this time of my life was probably short but I still regret it.
It was a short time in my life, a few months maybe a year where I lost myself, I didn't realize I was trying to impress and get the attention from people who knew nothing about me, who didn't care about me, who mocked me.
There is nothing worse than trying to change yourself for people who don't even deserve your attention, nor your time.
Because trust me on this : real friends wouldn't want you to change, they know the real you and they like you for the person you really are.
So, yes, I still have self esteem and confidence issues, I still think I'm not attractive enough or even good enough, but I'm working on myself.
I know that I shouldn't care about people's opinion, I have my little group of friends, we don't see each others a lot but I still really care about their opinion because I trust them and I want to believe that they do trust me.
Everyone will say something but not many of them will say the truth, not many of them say those rude things because they think them but because some people who lack of confidence will try to belittle others to feel better about themselves.
It's kind of stupid but that's how some people deal with their own issues, they create issues to other people.
Fortunately you have some others who try to help people who are in the same situation they are stuck into, people who try to put their experiences in use.
This is how we do.
