I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't eat something without having to think about how many calories and fats are in it.
I hate the fact that I can't seem to enjoy some foods without thinking after if my stomach is going to be swollen or if my thighs are going to look bigger than they already do.
I can't eat something peacefully without thinking about the consequencies, and the worse is that even if I can't enjoy my food, even if I can't eat without thinking only about the good taste, it's not even stopping me from eating it.
And I feel like a hypocrite about this, I always seem to complain but even if I have ways to avoid the weight gains, I still make bad choices.
The only good thing is actually the fact that I started classes again, so I don't have to stay at home in bed all day, I move a little, but still, bad choices in my alimentation are definitely not helping no matter how much I move in the day, no matter if I workout.
So I get mad at myself, but I can't even change something because I don't find the motivation I seem to lack.
One day I'm telling myself "okay tomorrow is the day", and the next day I'm just like "what's the point, I'll be fat forever".
And that's it, I give up, it's the most stupid and useless reason to give up.
Actually giving up is stupid at the first place. The only thing I pride myself for is the fact I don't binge then "empty" my stomach anymore, it was probably the most stupid and desperate move I made to keep my goals in track but again, when you're in an extreme diet for 4 to 5 months full of restrictions and exhausting workouts, the good choices are rare.
Doing this is not at all a solution because you're hurting yourself, your body, your stomach, your throat, your teeth, yes the list is long but the worst thing is probably the feeling you have after, the feeling of being stupid, weak, disgusting, fat.
I couldn't take them but I was still doing it because, I came to a point I didn't even realize what I was doing and I ended up with candies, cookies, ice cream, or even a sandwich in my hands.
And the regrets instantly came after I finished my "meal" making me run to the bathroom to beg and pray I would be able to empty my stomach from all the bad things I had.
Thinking about it now makes me so sick, I was wasting so many things that people couldn't even dream of, I know I was not in my normal state, I know I was not thinking properly but it's not a reason to waste all these foods some people can't even afford.
At least I'm not doing it anymore now, but I hope I won't fall again in this state of mind because it sucks so much to feel worse when you're trying to do something about you're insecurities than when you're doing nothing but hiding behind a bunch of food.
Talking is a solution, if you want to change your habits you probably would like to have someone to help you and tell you what you're doing wrong, someone who would be here to see if you're making bad and dangerous choices for your own good.
It can be family, friends, boy/girlfriends, or even a fitness buddy, someone who's going through the same thing and have the same goals as you, this way you would have someone who understands what you're doing, why you're doing it and someone who would be here for you for your failures and your success, because don't worry, we fail to succeed after learning from our mistakes.
It's up to us to find the way to do it.
Le succès est à la portée de chacun.
