Of course it wouldn't be this hard to live with the feeling to be too "fat" or "big" if I didn't have all this people around me waiting for me to eat something to ask me if I didn't feel like I was eating too much, or to tell me that it was not a surprise to see someone this big eating this much.
I don't know if it's some people's hobby to just sit down outside and judge people around like "this one is too big","these clothes are terrible", "this haircut is lame", I really don't know and I don't want to know what is so wrong with their lives so they feel the need to criticize everything and everyone they know nothing about.
Maybe their life is perfect and that's why they have standards this high ? But again I feel sorry for them more than I'm mad at them.
Again, with the body shaming, it's something I knew my whole life, I was too big when I was born, when I was a child, I've never been good enough in anyone's eyes I guess.
At some point, it was not even my weight the problem, I was the problem.
My face was too round, my nose too big, my hair too curly, my skin too white for a "lightskined girl", my feet too big, my thighs too thick.... the list is so long.
Every single thing about my body was a subject to laugh about, earlier today I just remembered how guys reacted when I was too close to them, if I touched them while walking without wanting or something they would be like "ew it touched me".
It really hurts but who cares ? Not them that's for sure.
I also remember in highschool a guy was talking about a friend of mine, saying she was hot and one of his friends thought he was talking about me and said that he was disgusted of his tastes in girls.
I think I won't be able to ever forget this sentence, this is basically written in my mind everytime I look in the mirror because he seemed so sincere and genuinely disgusted by me that I never doubted that he clearly meant what he said.
I disgusted people.
I dont even think that these people who make really rude remarks about others realize that it's really hard to forget something like this, because it's not everyday that you're designed as something and not someone, or "it" and not "she" or "her", it really hurts because it seems that when you're not feminine enough to enter in a "kind" you're automatically looked at like some monster or I don't even know how I could define this because even if I lived it, I never understood what my problem was and I probably never will because of the way I look to the people around me.
