Of course feeling different, fat here, can involve a low self esteem.
Especially when a person call herself fat, downing herself and reducing her whole person to a body type.
Never in my life I've ever experienced the feeling you have when you're proud of yourself, when you think you're beautiful, when you think you're worth something, because I always thought I wasn't, and still today I have those thoughts.
Maybe because I've never made anyone proud of me, maybe because I've received more mean remarks about all the things that make a person that I've ever received compliments.
I don't know why I think this way about myself but I do, and I feel like nobody will ever be able to change it, even if I hope somebody will.
Of course Wikipedia has a definition of it : « it is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self », but even if the self esteem is supposed to be our own judgment of the person we are, others opinions still have a massive impact on it.
When you're surrounded by people telling you mean things, body shaming you, bringing you down, your self esteem can decrease, especially if like me, others opinion affect you even if you try to block them.
But in the contrary, if you're surrounded by people who are there to cheer you up, who express nothing but positive things about you then your self esteem can increase.
My self esteem never increased, maybe because I've never knew how to make me look good, with clothes, make up or anything.
I was already fat according to my mother so trying to look good seemed like a waste of time when I looked liked a pregnant woman at the age of 12 : swollen belly, really thick thighs, and the worse part large breasts.
Huge actually, way to big for a girl of my height, or my age, but I still had them, so the rumours and the jokes about me kept going, coming from the people I thought were my friends and made me feel like crap every single day.
Making me feel more self conscious, all these remarks made me change my style, trying to draw less attention to me by wearing dark and bigger clothes, of course some days I would try to put some effort on my look, then regret it as soon as I saw myself in a window or a window outside.
So I just went for the black, brown clothes with a jacket even if it was too hot for this kind of clothes, blame the french weather.
I thought that hiding myself in bigger clothes and darker clothes would make me feel better, and make me look thinner, but I was so wrong.
It's when I attempted my hundredth diet at the beginning of the year that I realized : the way you dress can make you look so much better, and hiding curves was not always the solution, using them was actually a better idea.
So I finally started to wear colorful clothes, I'm still working on wearing clothes my size but hey, one step at a time is a good way to make a permanent change and to see the mistakes I made so far.
