Warnings : Angst?
Word Count : 523..
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There's always that constant thought, always tugging at my mind. No matter how hard I try, I just can't stop it. I'm not really sure how to describe it. Just the sort of feeling that stays inside you, and you just know it's bad. And no matter how much you try to tell yourself it'll be okay. That everything is okay.
It isn't.
And you know that. You know more than anyone else that the thoughts that are swirling around your head can only mean one thing. That it is true. That your feeling all those negative feelings you thought you would never feel. Could never feel. You thought that being with him, or her. Made you happy. But it doesn't.
It's not enough.
It's never enough. Never was enough. Sure they love you, and you love them. But it's just not enough. Not enough to completely wash away that doubt that constantly bangs against your skull and rattles your brain until you can't take it anymore.
Just never knowing if someone really loves you. You look at them and you realize just how much you love them and need them. How much you rely on them for simple little things like brightening up your day. Or them being a shoulder to cry on when you need it. And it breaks your heart to look at them and think.
Maybe they don't love me.
Love is just a word. Anyone can say it. It doesn't mean anything. You can use it in so many ways and it means so many different things. So how do you know they love you in the way you love them? It's such a terrifying thought that they might not love you. The one person you need more than anyone else in the world could simply like you enough to deal with you. Lie about their love for you because they don't want to see you upset. They like you too much. They like your friendship. But they might not actually love you.
And that terrifies me.
Terrifies me so much that he could actually hate me. He doesn't realize it but I always watch all his live shows, his videos. Everything he does. And whenever he says something negative, my heart breaks a little. Sure he doesn't want the fans to figure out that we're together and his humour is built on sarcasm. But it makes me wonder. It really does.
No wonder people generally believe he doesn't like me. I've started to believe them on that one. What if he really doesn't love me though? What if he's just going along with it because he wants me to be happy?
All those little awkward sideways glances and nights out make sense then. When he kisses me, he sometimes looks so awkward. He goes on nights out with his friends too frequently for it to be normal. What if he does that to get away from me? Because he can't stand being with me. Because I'm only his friend. His best friend.
What if I really do only mean that to him?
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Hey guys! I wrote another book called lets rant *feminist style* and it would help if you read it!
Byeeeee :3
