i found this in my drafts and its from august lmao
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I sat on the floor of the empty room.Phil's bed had once been where I sat.The carpet was strangely soft as opposed to the high-traffic area around it that had been sqaushed down with years of pacing.The walls were empty, silhouettes of old posters were all that was left.The room echoed when I sniffed back tears.I could remember every move I'd made, every piece of that memory stabbed me in the heart.He'd left because of me.'what the fuck did I do?' I thought to myself.Phil had gone to stay with Chris until he 'figured out his next move'.I couldn't bring myself to go and visit him.I couldn't bring myself to stand.I sat and just wallowed in my sorrows, reliving the whole attack.*****"Dan, you're doing it again" He whimpered, timidly calling to me while following behind, trying to stop me.I raged around the apartment, throwing things and screaming.He tried to calm me, but I was a destructive force that couldn't be stopped."It's bullshit! they can't seriously expect me to be okay with this!" I screamed, throwing another random item off the shelf.Phil cried out and dodged the item."Dan! Please!"I didn't even know what I'd thrown.I can't even remember why I was mad."Even a little notice would have been better! For fucks sake!" I picked up a bottle of Tru Blood from the shelf where it sat on display, hurling it across the room.The pained yelp that followed close behind the thump made my heart ache.I stopped my tirade, turning to Phil.I froze, my body going from hot with rage to literally ice cold.He was curled up on the rug, holding his face.Fear pulsed through me as I ran to his side.Little crimson trickles ran through his fingers.I tried to rest a hand on his shoulder and look over what I'd done to him, but he recoiled."No!" He yelled "Dan, get away from me!" He was terrified. Terrified of me.I felt every part of me shatter with those words.***"I'm going to stay with Chris...If you ever get this crap under control, call me" Phil mumbled, his hand on the doorknob.His long black fringe hung over his black eye, covering the cut along his cheekbone.I felt like shit every time I looked at him.My heart had fallen from my chest and pretty much out my ass, as I had no idea where it was, but it certainly wasn't in my body anymore.I knew he hated me, he hated who I had become.I couldn't blame him, but none the less, he had to know I was sorry."I'm sorry, Phil" I whimpered."I'm sorry too" He sighed, his eyes flickering to mine just once before he turned, a tear in his eye, and left.*****I made a decision that day.I wasn't going to let this happen again, I wanted to be a better person.I hated my temper, I hated how abusive I could be, and I had to live with what I'd done, but it didn't mean I had to keep doing it.Above all else, he had to know I loved him.And whether or not he ever wanted me back, I had to do it anyway.I wasn't letting this crap run my life.I enrolled in anger management classes a week later.A lot of it was bullshit about mindfulness, being in the moment and not worrying about the past or the future.Deep breathing, five sounds, five feelings, the like.I hated it, but I had to remember why I was doing it.I felt so fucking stupid sometimes, the activities and exercises were dumb and childish, but I persisted.Phil was my reason.I had to do it, I wanted my life back, and to do that I had to make things right with him.So I'd sit, with my legs crossed and my eyes closed, breathing in deeply and listening to the sounds of sirens in the street and the chatter of other people in the building, ignoring all worries of past and future.I was determined to make this right.If Phil wanted to come back, that would be great.I just wanted him not to hate me.***8 months laterMonths passed by, I eventually lost the need for the anger management classes, but now I was worried if Phil would listen to what I had to say.It took me days to build up the confidence to go and speak to him.I knew he was still at Chris's house, Pj had told me so.I found myself outside his door, breathing heavily while my palms sweated bullets.I bit my lip and remembered that I had worked so hard for this.I raised my hand, counted to three, and knocked.~~~Footsteps.Slow, rhythmic footsteps.They approached the door from the other side.The door swung open in a hurry and standing in front of me was the man I loved."Dan..?" "Hi" I breathed, nervous as all hell.His face was a myriad of shock, horror and wonder, like he didn't know whether to be scared or not."What are you doing here?" He whispered."You told me to give you a call when I sorted myself out, but I wanted to see you face to face" I could feel the heat creeping into my cheeks.Phil stared at me in disbelief."What...what did you do, exactly?""Anger management classes, yoga, all the stereotypical crap...It's all childish, but I have to say, it's worked so far...Helps when you have a reason to change""And your reason was?""You"His beautiful sea blue eyes looked up into mine, almost in confusion."Come on, don't give me that look, you knew how I felt" I smirked slightly."Maybe I did, maybe I didn't" He wrung his hands around his wrists, clearly unsure how to react."Well, There was one more thing I had to do before I sorted myself out""Then why are you here?" His face fell, he had been sure I was over it, but the statement had ruined that."Because it's the last thing I have to do" I shrugged "Phil, I'm not perfect, you know that and I know that, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you, but I need you to know that I'm not that monster you saw. I don't like being that monster, and you were the one reason that made me see that I could stop being that monster. You were my reason to change, to be more open with myself instead of blowing up every time something went wrong, and if I'm going to be more open, I'm telling you that I love you. That's why you're my reason Phil. I love you with all I have, and I need you to know that. So I'm going to go, but if you want me to stay, I'll stay. If not, you know where I am" I rushed out. I turned to walk away, free of the cross I once bore.I was disheartened when Phil didn't chase after me, but I had changed myself for the better and I was proud of it.I was a new man.I could do this.I would be okay.*****3 weeks laterI had advertised a need for a room mate (the need for rent-assistance being my only need), and I was coping with not having Phil around now that I was sure he didn't hate me.My lifestyle didn't change much, I was still a fairly lazy human, but at least I wasn't angry anymore.It was 11a.m. when someone knocked on my door.I had been watching a bake-off and scrolling through tumblr, so it was no hassle at all.I assumed it was someone coming to check out the apartment.I stood and wandered through the seemingly bare house, I had never added anything new, and came to the door.I didn't even bother to look through the peep-hole, I just yanked the old door open.Outside stood a young man with raven hair and beautiful blue eyes, a bag by his side and a nervous red tint in his cheeks."Hi, I heard you were looking for a room-mate?""Correction, I was looking for a boyfriend, its one of the terms and conditions" I smirked at Phil."Where do I sign up?""Don't you want to meet the guy? or even look at the place?""Ok, shut up" He laughed, throwing the little game away and wrapping his arms around my neck, pulling me into a kiss.I smiled into the gesture, snaking my arms around his waist and gently moving my lips against his soft ones, feeling the slight stubble of his chin on my face."I'm sorry I made you wait" He whispered, pulling away from me."I'm sorry I hurt you" "It's okay...I'm just glad that I was always your reason"
