Not Ready

≈Chapter X :

~Los Angeles,

•06/12 {Friday, 8:00 P.M}

~*~ Docia ~*~

"So, how do you feel ? " Yemi asked as we settled in her living room, each one with a cocktail in one hand.

I couldn't believe it.

I was so anxious and my stomach was turning on itself, I felt like I was about to throw up. Was it the best decision to make for me ? Maybe, I was rushing into this and should wait a bit more. Maybe, I should wait to find a love partner at first like I wanted to do to start the procedure. It wasn't a little thing. A child was something very important.Well, someone extremely important. I couldn't take it lightly. I had to be serious.

Well, I was. But maybe I wasn't ready.

Or maybe I was thinking too much and should just go with the flow.

I sighed, "I...I don't know." I took a deep breath and took a sip of my drink. I was so nervous, "This call is about to change my life forever. And...I'm so scared. What if-"

"No, no, no." She shook her head, "Stop with all that. It's gonna be alright. Plus..." She started chewing on her bottom lip, "...It's not like you...had never...done this before. You already went through this. You know how it goes."

"Yeah, but this time it'll be different. Completely."

She looked at me with worried eyes, "So what ? You're not going to do it ? "

I closed my eyes and let my mind wander.

And of course, It decided to go back in the past. It never missed an opportunity to do this and to awake lost emotions and feelings. It was a bit blurry for the first couple of seconds and little by little, an image started forming. His face suddenly appeared in my head. His brown eyes, his little nose, his small set of lips that loved kissing my cheeks. Beautiful as well as funny words were always coming out of his mouth. He loved holding his little ears, with his little hands while sleeping. I missed his cute smile and his joyful laughter. I missed having conversations with him. He always had the weirdest questions, but I was always answering him anyways. Even when it seemed impossible, I'd always found something to tell him. And I loved hearing his crazy little stories. He had a big imagination. I missed holding him in my arms, having his head rested on my chest when he was taking naps or when he was scared to sleep alone; and hearing his voice calling me...mommy.

I opened my eyes as a teardrop ran on my right cheek.

"Aw, don't cry. Please." She pouted and wrapped her arms around me.

I thought I was ready to do this, but I thought wrong. I was so wrong. My heart was still fragile and not totally healed. A piece was still broken and it will be forever. Like any other time, I was missing my baby too much and it gave me motivation to call them and to start the procedure to adopt a kid; but it wasn't for me just yet. Something was missing in my heart and I wanted to fill it by doing this, but it wasn't right. First off, this hole will never be able to be filled properly. And second off, I had to be fully and truly ready for it, so ready to open my heart to another child and not just trying to replace the one I unfortunately lost years ago. I couldn't put an innocent child through this.

"Sorry." I wiped my tears away.

She pulled away and kissed my temple, "Don't apologize. Let it out if need to. Do you want to talk about this ? " She asked concerned.

"Uh, no. But I want to go home. I need to be alone."

"Okay...Call me before to go to bed though."