Not Ready

≈Chapter XXII :

~Los Angeles,

•10/09 {Friday, 9:32 A.M}

~*~ Dorian ~*~

I puffed as I sat on my bed, feeling way too tired for my well-being. I was so exhausted I could barely stand on my feet. It'd been one long week for me with the decease of my mother and the quick preparations that we had to do for her funeral. Fortunately --I guess-- my mom had been saving some money on an account for her future funeral, to make sure that whoever was going to do this will do it goodly, so we didn't have problems to find the money we needed to get her the best funeral. We had everything ready as fast as we could and we buried her this Wednesday, so two days ago now. 

It was hard to have to say my goodbyes to my mother. I think what made it so hard was that during the entire service I was thinking about the fact and realized that it was the second parent I was losing. Well, at least this time I didn't cause the death. But to realize that I had no parent left here on Earth with me sadden and hurt me deeply in my heart. I felt like I had lost my whole family. I knew that as their child, I was supposed to bury them anyways, but all went way too fast for me. I wasn't even done yet with accepting the death of my father and now my mother died too. 

And knowing that I could absolutely do nothing about it was angering me too. There was no way possible for me to bring her back and to tell her that I was sorry. There was no way possible for us to make amends and tell how much we loved unconditionally each other. I couldn't believe that the last words I told her where so harsh. I couldn't remember exactly what I told her the last time we saw each other at this restaurant, but I knew for sure that it wasn't something too nice. I apologized at the hospital, but she was still in her coma. People say that someone in a coma can still hear what you're saying, but I wasn't believing this at 100 percent. I said sorry and she didn't react, not even a squeeze as I was holding her hand. The movies and TV shows I'd seen before gave me hopes. I was hoping that she was at least going to squeeze my hand or even open her eyes for five minutes --one minute was enough for me too-- to let me know that she really heard me and forgave me.

But it didn't happen. 

"How are you feeling ? " 

I looked up and shrugged nonchalantly not answering her question. Even after how I disrespected her at the hospital, Lani was there for me all the time. What made me feel worse for the way I behaved. She was wiling to be that shoulder I could cry on, the person I could talk to and that friend to hug me if I needed some comfort. She was being a great sister to me. 

She was amazing, as usual, and I didn't know what was wrong with my cousin for him to be waiting so long to officially make her his wife. I felt like they needed my help with it, plus I kind of owned them that. I really wanted to do something nice for them, mainly to thank them for everything they did for me until this day. 

Without them, maybe that I wouldn't even be still alive today. 

"Okay...And how was the meeting with the notary ? " 

"I have to talk about some details with Tinashe." I rubbed my eyes as I yawned. 

"Oh sorry. I don't really know what to say and maybe I should just leave you alone. Sorry, I ju- I just wanted to-"

"It's okay. Thanks for being so concerned about a brother. I appreciate it." I smiled weakly while I could feel my eyes closing by themselves. Re-opening them was too much effort for me, but I did it though. 

"Still having those nightmares ? "

Last time I had proper hours of sleep was about a week ago. The nightmares stopped as I was having more and more therapy sessions with Dr.Khimona and now with the death of my mother, it was like it triggered everything once again. Now those nightmares were creepier than before and mainly more frequent. I could have between five and seven per night.