Not Ready

≈Chapter XVI :

 ~Los Angeles,

•07/06 {Sunday, 04:57 P.M}

~*~ Docia ~*~

* ''I refuse to lose this battle

Let whatever come my way

I am stronger than my rival

No I will no fail today 

I refuse to lose this battle

Let whatever come my way

I am stronger than my rival

No I will no fail today'' *

I nodded my head to the song as I was mumbling the lyrics, trying to relax my myself, while sipping some Ciroc from the bottle. I let the tears fall as I felt my heart getting heavier every minute. My view was blurry and I was a bit dizzy, but I didn't care that much about the state I was in right now. My only worry was to get the pain away, far far away, so I could stop feeling like a piece of shit. I had remorses and regrets that were playing with my consciousness and it was starting to get on my last nerves. I kept telling myself again and over again that it wasn't my fault, that I couldn't have prevent the accident to happen even if I wanted to. It was beyond me. 

I groaned and threw the bottle on the carpet angrily. 

"I'm tired of this." I said to myself as I finger combed my hair and sniffed. I closed my eyes and attempted to think about positive things, but nothing came. Instead, the worst day of my life replayed once again in my mind. I brought my knees to my chest and hugged myself as tight as I was able to. I took a deep breath to regulate it or else I was about to have a heart attack or something. I rocked back and forth on the floor as I began to cry my eyes out for the hundredth time this night. 

I couldn't go to sleep, because every time I was thrown right into a terrible nightmare. I thought that listening to some music was going to help me to relax, but oh boy how mistaken was I ! No, it actually did all the contrary. Instead of easing my nerves, it only woke some more unwanted strong and melancholic emotions. 

I opened my eyes and decided to do something productive before to go completely crazy. So I stood up and went in the kitchen to do some pastry. But when I arrived there, I changed my mind and instead I went upstairs and then in the room.

I looked at the white walls at first and then my eyes landed on the furniture, one in particular. I walked towards it and looked in. I caressed the pillow thinking about the past and the future. I wiped my tears with my other hand and grabbed the pillow. After that, I sat on the rocking chair sighing. 

I wanted to move on from the past, but I didn't want to forget it. Not all of this. But the memories I wanted to keep were beautiful on one hand, but also linked to an horrible event also on the other hand. And this, I wanted to forget totally. 

It was so complicated and giving me a headache. 

I wanted to focus on the future, but I was beyond scared. And mainly, I didn't want to advance by myself. Maybe it was sad, but I did need someone in my life. Someone strong who could be there for me and be by my side as much in the hardest and saddest as the best and happiest moment of my life. Going to bed and waking up next to someone. I wanted tenderness, someone to whisper sweet talk in my ears, someone I could be myself with. I wanted to share my next experiences with somebody.