Not Ready

≈Chapter XXVI :

~Los Angeles,

•10/31 {Tuesday, 10:56 A.M}

~*~ Docia ~*~

***

"What do you think you're doing ? You're not taking my son away from me ! I won't let you do this ! "

"We can't stay here with you anymore ! I told you to quit drinking if you wanted us to stay here with you, but you didn't make that effort at all ! Last night- Do you even remember what you did ? You scared the shit out of me and our son, once again. He can't witness another one of y-"

"You're doing this because you hate me ! "He cut me off getting me angrier. 

"No ! I don't hate you, but we can't stay here with you. You're dangerous for us. I can't let you hurt us. I can't let my son see you hurt me either. The situation is getting out of hands. You need help ! Help that I can't offer you anymore."

"You hate me ! "

"No, I don't ! " I groaned finger combing my hair, "Listen to me ! You have a fucking problem ! You're an alcoholic and if you don't do something to get better you'll kill yourself or someone else or both !  "

"I'm not an alcoholic ! "

"Yes, you are one ! Curtis, you are an alcoholic and you need help ! RIGHT NOW ! "

"Try to take MY son away from me and I will kill you ! Do you hear me ? I will kill you ! Don't try me Docia. He's my child ! " He yelled in my face as tears were coming to my eyes. I wasn't about to cry because of the way he was talking to me, but because I didn't like what our marriage had became. I couldn't believe that now our marriage consisted only of arguments. Arguments and nothing else. And it was so tiring. I couldn't fight like this with the man I loved anymore. I couldn't let us tear each other down anymore. And it wasn't the best environment for our child.

I had to leave.

"Elijah and I are leaving definitely at the end of this week. Meanwhile, we're going to live in a hotel. Of course, I won't completely cut contact between you and him, bu-"

"Fuck you ! Do you hear me ? FUCK YOU ! You're a bitch for doing that ! FUCK YOU ! You're a bitch ! I should beat your ass right now for doing that shit to me ! I love you ! Why are you doing this to me, Docia ? " He got on his knees and wrapped his arms around my legs, "I fucking love you with all my heart and you want to do this to me...Why ? Why, Docia ? Please, don't go." 

I gave him too much time to get his shit together by his own. I let my emotions and feelings get the best of me and I gave him more time to destroy himself. 

"Bye, Curtis."

***

Thinking about this part of my past always make me feel guilty for Elijah's death. I should've been more efficacious with his father. I should've insisted more for him to get professional help. I should've left sooner. I should've been more careful. I should've given more attention to my marriage and my husband when things weren't going too well. I should've gotten us a couple therapist to help us to solve our problems. I should've done so much to avoid what happened. 

But even if I had done everything like I should have, maybe it would still happen. 

I was always trying to understand the tragedy, but it would always stay a whole mystery. Even if I had the opportunity to go back in the past to change everything, it wasn't sure that I would save my baby's life for good.