Not Ready

≈Chapter XXIV :

~Los Angeles,

•10/12 {Monday, 10:32 A.M}

~*~ Dorian ~*~

"This is your room." The nurse said walking in this white empty room as I followed behind her. There was only a bed in the middle and nothing else. There weren't even sheets on the bed, neither a blanket nor a pillow. 

"So...I'm supposed to sleep on the mattress ? Like that ? "

"No, someone'll come and make your bed. Here is the bathroom. The door is locked, so if you want to use it call someone." 

I looked more around and saw that there were multiple and thin mental bars in front of the only window that was presented in the room. So, I couldn't even enjoy the view of outside normally. 

"And uh, I'm supposed to stay in this room, doing absolutely nothing ? "

"No. You have a schedule. Here it is." She showed me a paper that was hanging on the wall next to the door, "Wake up at eight-thirty, breakfast at nine-thirty, therapy at ten-fifteen, lunch at twelve-thirty, activities time at one-thirty, recreation at two if you want to go outside, snacks time at four, therapy at four-thirty, dinner at seven, then some more activities time and finally bed time at ten-thirty. Questions ? "

"When can I take a shower, take care of my hygiene and what are those activities time exactly ? And can I call my people ? "

"You can take care of your hygiene twice per day, so one in the morning before the breakfast and another one before bed time, so like you would usually do. The activities are art like reading, drawing, painting or poetry. They can also be movie time, like for those before bed time. And outside, you can wander or play some sports like golf or there are yoga classes also. And I'm sorry, but you can call your family or friends for now. This is the rules."

"Okay...thanks." 

"You're welcome. Oh ! And how you can see, you're not allowed to have a door. We're keeping close eyes on you." 

I nodded wondering in my mind if I was doing the right thing. But I did need to be there, so they could help me to get better and deal with my inner demons that were taking a huge toll on me now. I'd been dealing with them by myself for way too long. I couldn't try to fight them by myself anymore. A helping hand was necessary. 

While I stayed at Docia's for the weekend, I had the occasion to think over and over again about getting help in a mental institution, and I came with that final decision, so accepting the help I needed. I couldn't even deny it anymore. I was going crazy and little by little becoming a danger for myself first off but for others also. And even if I was really close to listen to my suicidal thoughts and kill myself, I didn't really want to harm myself. And I'll be damned if I ever hurt someone that didn't deserve it. I couldn't let all of this happen, so I had to do something to prevent it. 

I talked about it with RJ and Lani on Sunday when I got back to the crib and they were supporting me in my decision. So now I was here and I didn't know for how long, but I was hoping to get better fast enough. I knew that I had to be in this hospital, but I couldn't live there for the rest of my life though. 

After the nurse --whose name was Catherine-- showed me the room, she then led me to another room that was actually one of my therapists office. This time, I didn't play the complicated individual and answered his questions honestly. It was absolutely stupid and childish of me to lie to them at this point. I was there to get help after all.  

At the end of the session, Dr. Kaynes prescribed me antidepressants to help me to reduce my symptoms. It won't cure my depression, but hopefully will relieve my symptoms. So, it won't and can't make me forget about the problems that caused the depression, but it will help me to deal with them easier. I had to wait at least six weeks to see if the antidepressants he prescribed me took full effect and in case we don't feel like it relieved any symptoms and/or began to cause side effects that would bother me, we had to try another one.