Not Ready

≈Chapter XVIII :

~Los Angeles,

•09/18 {Thursday, 8:39 A.M}

~*~ Docia ~*~

***

•July 24th

"Auntie D, stop doing this to yourself. You're torturing your poor heart. Let's go outside." Ryver took my laptop and placed it on the coffee table. 

"I'm not torturing myself, Ry. I'm totally fine."

He shook his head, "No..." He sighed, "You're looking at those babies pictures for way too long. It's not healthy for your well-being." He bit on his bottom lip, "Are you going to adopt ? That's why you're..." He trailed off looking at me with those big brown eyes. 

"No...I'm not going to adopt, not now. I'm not ready for this."

"How old would he, uh, be now ? Uh, if you don't want to a-"

"Six. He would be six years old. Six on September eighteenth. He would be a big boy now. I would've liked to...see him go to school...and soon he would've been in high school, and then graduated and..." I stopped as a single tear fall and I let it run along my cheek. I was tired of wiping my tears away. 

He wrapped his arms around my body and hugged me tightly, "I love you auntie, you're the strongest woman I know, with my mom. I want to meet a girl like her or you, or a mix of you two." 

I let appear a little smile on my face, "Thank you, Ryver. You're so sweet, I love you too. But no girl until a very long time. You're too young to think about it anyways."

He chuckled, "C'mon now auntie, I'm a big boy ! " 

I gave him a chortle, "You're so silly. Don't try to grow up too fast, enjoy the beautiful years of innocence and recklessness. They are the best years of your life."

"But have I not already passed those years ? "

"Not totally. You're in your very last year, so enjoy it. Because very soon, you'll be a teenager and complaining about just everything wishing you were a kid again. And theeeeeeen, you'll be an adult and some days you'll live with this and even be happy and some other days you'll hate it."

"My grandma is always saying that the senior years are the best ones, because they're peaceful and that's the time where you finally understand almost all of your life lessons." This woman was high most of the time and she started smoking since her early sixties -now she was in her mid-seventies- so of course those years were the most peaceful of her life. And him who thought that he had passed the years of innocence and recklessness.

My smile got bigger, "Well, you'll see if she's right later." 

"Can't wait for the future." I opened my mouth to talk, "I know, I know ! I can't wait for the future, but I won't grow up too fast." 

Today was a day really special to me. Yes, special, but not positively special. It was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. A day that will never get out of my mind no matter what I'll do to try to forget it. A horrible day that changed the course of my life years ago and forever. A depressing day where a terrible accident happened. An accident that costed me the life of my baby. 

The day I lost my baby. 

***

"Dr.Khimona ! " I spanned out of my trance and stared at Dorian like I'd seen a ghost, "Are you okay ? " He asked with a little frown on his face.