Just your Wingman

My Friend, Sorrow

3 days. 3 days since Gram died. 3 days since I yelled at Erick. 3 days since I've broken down. 3 days since Ryan built me back up. 3 days. Tuesday.

I didn't go to school on Monday. It was Gram's funeral. No wonder everyone hates Mondays.

Now I stood in the hallway with Mayla, Tess, Matt, and Charlotte hugging me to death.

"Where were you yesterday?!"
"Why didn't you go to school?!"
"Are you sick?!"
"Did something happen?!"
"You're okay right?!"

I pushed them back a little, "I'm fine guys really. I just went to a funeral that day."

They all gasped. "Who died?" Tess asked sincerely.

"Uh, my Gram actually. It's okay...I know she's in a better place."

Everyone hugged me and consoled me. It didn't matter though. I already had a cracked bottle. Nothing can fully heal it. I was hurting but I couldn't do anything about it so u
I stayed positive. I'm not going to make everyone down just because I am. I don't want to make everyone worried. Not again. Not like last time from the tornado.

"Don't worry I'm fine." I said with a smile.

"That's my brave warrior." Charlotte said patting me on the back. The word 'warrior' seemed to stab me in the back. They expected me to be okay. They expected me to always be positive. I made this character of mine. I made this wall I set up between my character and my true feelings. This is how they wanted me to act. They don't want me, they want my character.

"Yeah, let's just get to class." I said with a smile as we walked to class. I ignored the pain in my heart and the knot in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was lunch. Charlotte and Mayla had basketball practice. Tess and Matt were working on a science project. I sat alone on our usual spot. I sighed feeling bored.

I couldn't stop this feeling that they were all just avoiding me. Its stupid I know. But I couldn't help but think. What if they just said that to get away from me? What if this is only a one sided friendship? Why do I always have my doubts??

After I finished my food I just walked the halls. Class didn't start for like another fifteen minutes. The empty halls seemed to bring back the sorrow filled memories.

I just walked around, just me and my depressed conscience.

Something tapped at my shoulder. I looked around to see who it was. Erick. "Get out." I growled.

"I'm sorry about the other day. I didn't know about your grandma dying. Mayla told me about it." Erick said apologetically.

Mayla. That burned in my chest. My heart sunk again. "Of course she did." I said looking away emotionless. I gripped my fists.

"So are we okay or..." Erick said shyly.

"No...I don't think so..." I didn't know what I was saying. It was as if I was being controlled by my own heart, "Erick, I'm not helping you anymore...it's over. I don't want to play this stupid game."

Erick looked at me shocked, "Why?"

"I don't want to. Just...don't talk to me anymore..." I said turning my back on him.

"But what about keeping the boys away from Charlotte?! And me getting together with her?! And all our ambushes?! We're just gonna let that go?!" Erick said frantically. I bet he was only afraid to lose me because I was his wingman.

Rage filled in me. Using me. Using me was all he ever did to me. I'm not gonna let him use me again.

I turned back to him, "You're so selfish aren't you! All you care about is Charlotte! You're so stupid and dense. Why can't you look at anything other than her?! You're obsessed! You're a stalker!" I lashed out at him. I threw my hands up in the air for exaggeration.

He looked offended and confused, "What do you mean I'm dense?"

I growled. I couldn't take it anymore.

[I was drowning. I had no more oxygen]

I gripped my fists. My chest tightened. My lungs burned. My throat felt like it was filled with cotton. "Why can't you accept that I like you!?!" I yelled.

[I finally rose from the water.]

Silence....

I immediately regretted what I said. My eyes stung. I breathed heavily. My face was red. My chest was tight. My palms sweated.

Erick's eyes widened. His face turned pale. He froze in shock. I could tell how confused he was. He just stood there...nothing. He gave me nothing.

Anger filled in me. How could he give me nothing? He so stupid and dense! He's always so emotionless! I hate it! He's like a stupid locked up book!

I ran away as fast as I could. Tears blurred my vision once again, like it always did. All I could do was run, that's all I've been doing my whole life. I regretted everything. My heart beat was fast. I held back the tears that fought to come down.

I ran into a classroom, I didn't know which. I sat at a desk and put my head down. I cried silently letting the tears stream down my face.

"Why did I ever like him?! All he does is make me cry! All he does is give me pain! Then why?!" I thought to myself. But I already knew the answer. It was because of something that he gave someone else; care, protectiveness, affection.

All the things he gave to me once, just cause I fell. But I saw him give it to someone else everyday. My best friend.

RIIIIIINNNNNG

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walked home in silence. Everything hurt. Regret already took over my body. Depression was now filling in the holes that were left in the wounds that were given to me. I walked home with my friend, sorrow, who always seemed to put me down.

I opened the door with my key. Without a word I went up to my room. No emotion.

I flopped down on my bed. All emotion. Sorrow comforted me by taunting me with pain of this world. Depression filled in my holes with regret and doubts I have about myself. Anger filled my lungs with fire that burned because of my stupidity. Embarrassment filled my mind with memories of all my past mistakes.

I cried and cried. All the things I've been trying to hide from myself now spilled out. I liked Erick and it hurts. He liked someone else and it hurts. He probably hates me and it hurts. I want life to end and it hurts.

All the other emotions seemed to dull out after a while. But one in particular stayed. Depression. It seemed as if it would never leave. Like it was a tattoo that would never come off.

My mom called me down for dinner. I was a little nauseated of dehydration from crying. My eyes seemed to be blurry and I staggered as I walked.

Life seemed like nothing to me. Like it didn't matter anymore. Everything in life was always down hill for me. The happy things in life only seemed to be just small slopes that came before the down hill part.

I walked to the stairs, still staggering. My head seemed to hurt and throb. I took my first step onto the stairs.

And I tripped and fell.

Like I always do.

Because I'm always so stupid.