Shattered Rose

5. FAILURE

Lord, I know she will face temptation and disappointments. I pray You serve as her mighty deliverer. I pray You bring her peace in the midst of hardships and carry her when life's burdens are too much to bear..."

Paying attention in class was proving to be impossible. I hadn't seen Jake in five days. He had stayed Sunday afternoon, watching the football game and acted like nothing had happened between us. He wasn't rude or anything, just indifferent. I was supposed to leave to go study, but I stayed, hoping the Jake from Saturday night would return. He never did. What did I expect? Who would be attracted to a girl who passes out and then makes you carry her to bed? No one! I just felt so tired. I had spent three excruciating afternoons in the engineering lab, taking samples every twenty minutes. Work study was a requirement for my scholarship, and this year's lab assignment was especially painful. I should have studied, but I couldn't focus. Thank goodness it was the weekend. Issy was leaving this afternoon to go home for a couple of days, so that meant my apartment would be free of people for more than two hours. Issy was the social queen of our apartment complex, and everyone wanted to be around her. She had some place for us to go every night, and despite my growing "to do"list, I would tag along. We had conveniently "run into"Danny and Aaron a few times, but Issy never gave them the time of day. I started to see Danny as a reflection of myself and wondered if I looked that desperate. Truth was, I felt desperate. I had hoped to run into Jake every time we went somewhere, but he never showed. I refused to ask Issy about him. I already knew her feelings on the subject. With each day that I didn't hear from him, I started to second-guess everything that had happened. Thankfully, I had kept the drinking to a minimum, unlike Issy who was truly a fish. It was no wonder she had already blown through her allowance this month and needed to do some serious groveling. I thought of our conversation this morning. "What will you do if your mom doesn't give it to you?"She tapped her chin and shrugged. "I'll just go see my dad. He feels guilty for abandoning our family when I was twelve, so I can usually say a few key words and get what I want.""Why not just go there first?""Because, there is nothing more excruciating than my stepmom. She goes on and on about her and my father's son-Mr. Perfect. Barf. Then I'll get the lecture about my clothes and hair and how college will be over soon, and I need to get focused. Like I said, only if I'm desperate."She was randomly balling up her clothes and stuffing them in her duffle bag. My type A instincts screamed at me to grab her bag away and fold each item she threw in there, but I refrained, suddenly putting two and two together. "Wait, isn't your father's son...your brother?""Don't ever call him that again."It was the first time I had heard a tone from Issy that wasn't playful. A glimpse of hurt flashed in her eyes, but it quickly disappeared. "Now you, young Padawan, keep yourself out of trouble while I'm gone."I laughed out loud. "No worries there."Truth was, I had done nothing but get into trouble since I met Issy. The shuffling of books woke me up from my daydream. Class was over. I looked at the board and saw four problems assigned. Ugh. I rolled my eyes and wrote them down. I hated my classes. I was already behind in my two hardest ones, and we were having a quiz on Monday. Last year, my engineering classes were my favorite, but last year I didn't have a life. "Hey, Avery."I looked up to see one of my classmates waving me over to the group. "We're putting together a study group on Saturday morning around ten if you want to come. We figured we could knock out these problems and then focus on our Statics quiz."The nice thing about engineering was that most of us took the same classes each semester, so we'd end up helping each other a lot throughout the year. "Sure, that sounds great. I'll be there."I left class and walked through the center of campus on my way home. It was beautiful this time of year. The campus had no shortage of trees and they were turning every shade of orange, yellow and brown. The grassy center of the quad was covered in students studying, sunbathing or catching a quick power nap. A group of fraternity boys were doing a step routine outside the library that was drawing in a large crowd. Normally, I would have stopped to enjoy the show, but today already seemed like it had lasted a lifetime. I got home, relishing the silence I hadn't heard since I moved in, and checked my phone one more time to see if Jake had tried to call. Nothing. How was it that he hadn't thought to call even once? It didn't make sense! I walked in my room and glanced at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible. I hadn't run in three days, and my pants felt way tighter than usual. I lifted up my shirt and started to find every bulge that existed around my torso. I swear my butt looked huge today too...and not in a good way. My eyes zeroed in on the scale. I shouldn't get on. It would only depress me. But I did anyway and saw I had gained a pound. My throat tightened, constricting my air flow. How is that possible? I just weighed two days ago! Tears sprang to my eyes. I knew temptation was coming, and panicked sweat slid down my face. I wanted to escape; I wanted to get this weight off of me. I wanted to disappear. I got on the scale again-sure I had read it wrong the first time. I hadn't. Desperation, like hot, thick lava poured over me. I tried calling Cara. Voicemail. I started to pace the apartment, telling myself it wasn't worth it, that it wouldn't make me feel any better, but I knew it would help. Help ease the ever-increasing panic and make me feel like I had control of something in my life. I opened the cabinets and refrigerator. Inside was cereal, little chocolate snack cakes and ice cream. That would work. None of those things would hurt on the way back up. I closed my eyes, willing myself to be strong, and slammed the doors shut. I ran back in my bedroom and shut the door, fighting with everything I had. I didn't want to do it here. Not here. Fifteen minutes passed and I started to believe the worst was behind me. I walked back to the living room and attempted to study, but the draw of the kitchen was just too strong. Tears filled my eyes. I hated that I needed this, hated every part of me that enjoyed each bite I took. But with each one, my body started to relax and turn numb. After ten minutes, I'd eaten two large bowls of cereal and was on my second snack cake. My stomach was full...so full, and it was screaming at me to give it relief. My heart raced, blood pumping in my ears. I was at that critical point. I gulped down a coke. Carbonation rose in my throat, and I leaned over the toilet and let it all come out. My body heaved and heaved as it got rid of all the food I had just stuffed into my stomach. Relief echoed in my empty stomach. My throat burned and my eyes watered, but I didn't care. It felt so good to have the calories out of me. I looked around at the mess I had made and immediately started cleaning. The anxiety was gone and the desperation had finally passed, but with it came the reality that I had yet again failed. My lungs swelled with guilt and shame. Once again, I lost my resolve and gave into the temptation, the easy fix. How could I expect Jake to want me when I was so weak and disgusting? I glanced at my phone. Cara had called me back; I didn't want to talk anymore. Instead, I stayed rooted in self loathing. I walked back into the kitchen and realized I had nothing to lose. The damage was done. Apart from a small slip up when I got back to Winsor, I hadn't had an episode in two months. I had been so sure I was healing-that I was strong. What a lie. Tears clung to my cheeks. It was out of control. I poured the last of the cereal in my bowl and started the process all over again, hoping it would somehow take the pain away. It wasn't until I'd eaten all the snack cakes and had a bowl of ice cream that I finally stopped. In the end, I had thrown up five times. Five times I had intentionally wrecked my body. Stuffing it to the point of capacity and then forcing myself to vomit. My throat was completely swollen, and my gums were throbbing. I brushed and flossed my teeth and crawled into bed. I let my tears flow freely, wanting nothing more than to get this miserable day over with. When I awoke Saturday morning, the events of the night before came rushing back. Ugh. What was I thinking? I went to the kitchen and scrubbed all the dishes. Then, into the bathroom and cleaned it from top to bottom. Feeling a little better, I made sure all the empty containers were put in the trash and took the bag right out to the dumpster. I threw on my clothes and made a quick trip to the mini mart to buy replacement food. Once home, I opened all the new items and took out what I needed to make them look like they hadn't been touched all weekend. I dumped the trash once more and finally relaxed. Everything was as it used to be, and no one would ever know. I looked at the clock...it was 9: 30 a.m. My study session started in thirty minutes. I needed the help, but I couldn't be around people yet. I texted the group and made my apologies, using some lame excuse about not feeling well. They offered to send me their answers so I could check my work. What a great group. Cara had called three more times last night. I didn't feel like talking. She knew me too well, and I wouldn't be able to fake it. Exhaustion hit, and I crawled back in bed, wanting to escape to another world. One where I was perfect, and Jake would profess his undying love. Issy threw open the door. "I'm back!"I was sitting on the couch finishing up the last thermodynamics problem. My afternoon had been surprisingly productive, and I was almost feeling like my old self again. "Was your mission successful?""Of course it was. I didn't even have to see my dad. Turns out my mom is dating a hot new guy from work, and she is exceedingly happy. We had the best time ever! I love new guys. I get a whole new wardrobe when they come around!"She danced and twirled her way into her bedroom to drop off her bags and then climbed over the back of the couch to sit next to me. "I totally have us all set up for tonight. I met these two guys at the post office who are gorgeous, and they are a part of Lambda Sigma, the hottest fraternity on campus. Anyway, you and I have a double date for dinner and drinks tonight at Sammy's. Yay!"She clapped her hands and jumped back off the couch.