Shattered Rose

11. VORTEX

"Lord, set her feet on level ground and let her walk in Your truth. Show her Your love is ever before her and lead her to a place where Your glory dwells..."

Jake was gone before I woke up on Saturday. Issy was still avoiding Danny, so we spent the afternoon shopping in Asheville and doing other "girl"things like getting our nails painted. It'd been a while since I had good, carefree fun, and it felt refreshing. Issy spent most of the time giving me the background on her family drama, so I wouldn't be surprised on Thursday. I still wasn't sure how to tell her I wasn't going, but I'd deal with that later. Her mom and dad met in college and got married young. Issy came along after they had graduated, and her mom opted to stay home with her while her dad got into the business world. To hear Issy's point of view, you'd think her dad was a monster. "He got into the habit of buying my affections around my fifth birthday, and I've taken full advantage of that since. He topped it all, though, on my twelth birthday,"Issy said as the massage chairs kneaded out the tension in our backs. "He had promised to take me to a concert that night, but was running late, as usual. My mom decided to drive me to his office to save him the commute time-or so she said-and that is when we got to see him and his assistant going at it. Talk about a quick way to have the birds and bees conversation with your kid.""Oh my gosh! Did your mom suspect?""Of course she did, but I don't think she expected us to see what we saw. Even she seemed shocked. Needless to say, I didn't get to go to the concert. Instead, I spent the next year going to custody hearings and counselors. Fun year."The sarcasm in her voice was potent, but her face concealed any emotion. "How do you do that?"I asked, amazed at her ability to detach. "Do what?""Be completely apathetic, like you're telling me a story of someone else's life? Jake would do something similar, too, except his was more of a zoning, while your face just stays vacant. I can't master that. I'm a total open book."Issy chuckled. "Yes, you are, and worse, you are a terrible liar. But that's beside the point. I'm vacant because that is how I feel...empty. There is no emotion there because I feel nothing for my father. Jake zones because he's stuck in the past, trying to figure out what he could have changed."I cursed Issy in my head. I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to feel sorry for Jake or see anything redeeming in him. It was too painful. "See! There you go again!"Issy said, pointing. "Your face totally shifted. You thought something and it immediately reacted. Don't tell me Jake didn't hurt you. I know you're lying.""Fine, he hurt me. What does it matter?""It matters because I don't want you to change.""I'm afraid it's too late for that, Issy. Life changes you. It just does."She leaned back in her chair, knowing full well I was right. We finished the rest of our pedicure in silence, neither one of us wanting to talk about the men in our lives who hurt us. We had about two more hours before dinner, so we decided to hit some of the art galleries in town. Looking at art was by far my favorite thing to do in Asheville. I had always been blown away by the creativity of others. I didn't have an eye for such things and was inspired when someone could take a simple object and make it look spectacular. Issy bored pretty easily and didn't understand why I spent so much time on each picture. "I guess I just don't see what you are staring at,"she said, mimicking my intensity. "I mean, it's a picture. You look at it and move on. What are you trying to find? Is Waldo in there or something?"I couldn't help but laugh. Issy looked at life though the eyes of a child, seeing only the obvious and stating it as well. "I like to imagine what they were thinking when they took the picture. Why they chose that angle and how the lighting sets the mood. There is so much more to the pictures than what you see at a glance.""Okay then. What does this picture say? To me, it says 'I'm a spiral staircase with people on me.'""Actually, it's the image he created that's so awesome. He used shadows and textures to create what looks like a spinning vortex. The addition of people makes the staircase appear so large that it could swallow them up whole. Kind of how life seems sometimes."She looked at me and then at the picture again with new insight. "That's amazing.""Yes, it is,"a masculine voice agreed behind us. Issy and I both turned around and, to my surprise, Parker was peering over our shoulders at the same picture. "I thought that was you,"he said. "This is one of my favorite galleries."He looked exactly like he had the other day-jeans, t-shirt and a black backpack, although his t-shirt was an army green today instead of red. A comforting warmth washed over me as I met his smile. "You two know each other?"Issy asked looking back and forth between us. "Yes, in fact, you must be the fun and exciting roommate Avery told me about. I'm Parker."He reached out his hand to shake hers. She took it and flashed a just-wait-til-I-get-a-hold-of-you smile. "We are on our way to grab some dinner, wanna come?"A strange feeling of possession hit me as Issy's eyes roamed over Parker's solid chest. He looked at me for a confirmation, making me feel a little guilty for not being the one to ask. I quickly agreed. "Um, yeah, you should come. We were just going to the sandwich hut down the street.""Hey, I should call Jake and see if he wants to join us."I flashed her a panicked stare. "I'm sure he has other plans,"I stammered, unable to process why Issy would be so cruel after our earlier conversation. "Too late, I've already texted him, and he is on his way there."Her eyes were gleaming, and I wanted to crawl in a hole. "Okay then."I gritted my teeth, doing my best to keep a smile plastered on my face. "Let's go."Issy was in true form as we walked to the restaurant. She latched her arm through Parker's and started giving him the third degree. "So, how did you meet our Avery?""We actually met in the quad. She was sitting there, looking very lovely as she watched the sunset, and I just had to say hi."I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until I finally released it. He didn't mention that fateful night, or my total meltdown. I was once again impressed with his character and how he had gone out of his way twice now to spare my feelings. "You're a student at Winsor then? What major?""Pre-med.""Wow, pre-med, what made you decide on that field?"I hit Issy discretely and gave her the look that said, What are you doing? She ignored me and continued to wait for his reply. "I love people, and I thought, what better way to make a difference than to help them when they need it most? People are vulnerable when they're sick. I want to give them peace, and if I'm lucky, healing too.""You will love my cousin, Jake, then. He always says he's the ultimate caretaker."My throat constricted at her words, causing a coughing spasm so severe we had to quit walking. All I could think of was how much I wanted to be in the photograph getting swallowed up by the vortex. Parker immediately came to my aid, patting my back and handing me a bottle of water he had in his backpack. "Thank you,"I said between coughs until I finally got myself under control. "I don't know what happened."Parker walked into the restaurant to get us a table, and Issy whispered in my ear, "He's cute! Why didn't you tell me about him?""Because there is nothing to tell,"I fired back. "I'm going to kill you, by the way!"Parker returned and, despite my irritation, I met him with a smile. "They have a table ready now if you want to go in.""Great. Lead the way."I was seconds from a full-fledged panic attack. I had no idea how I was going to react with Jake in the room, and how much more awkward it was going to feel with Parker sitting right there. He pulled my chair out for me and then sat down adjacent to it, all under the watchful eyes of the always-perceptive Issy. To the unaware bystander, it looked like Parker and I were on a date. "So, Issy, you heard all about me. What about you? What are you studying?"Parker asked. "I'm in the undecided category."She ripped open a packet of sweet-n-low and dumped it in her tea. "I figure there's no reason to commit at this stage. I'm going to take all the classes I like now, and then my senior year, I'll just figure out what major I can use to graduate and declare that one. My theory is that I'll really like that major because I picked those classes by choice and not off some degree plan."Issy's logic was remarkable. She was so convincing, I almost thought it was a good idea. The muscles around Parker's mouth tightened and I could tell he was trying not to laugh. I didn't see judgment in his eyes, though, just humor. "You'll have to tell me what you ended up declaring or it will bug me for the next ten years."She eyes him suspiciously. "You don't think I'm crazy? Huh. I pegged you as the over achieving type."His head fell back with laughter. "You are absolutely right, but I think originality is a gift, and you certainly have plenty of it."Parker's tone was totally complimentary and authentic, as if he was validating her right to be her own person. "Thank you,"she said with a hint of pride. I wasn't sure how he did it, but Parker had a way of making you feel really good about yourself, like your individuality made you special and unique. "What about you, Avery? We never got to that on our walk the other day.""I'm in engineering. I'm not sure what specialty, yet. I don't have to decide that until next year, but I'm starting to think I may go into civil. I'm kind of fascinated with different types of structures.""Ah, that explains your love for the staircase in that picture.""Yeah, maybe so."I was surprised he had remembered such a small detail. Issy battered him with questions again. By the time she was finished, I'd learned that Parker was from Boone, North Carolina, which was about two hours from Asheville. His parents had been married for twenty-seven years, and he had an older brother who did missionary stuff overseas. I never thought hearing about someone's hometown would be so interesting, but Parker had us falling out of our seats laughing at the stories he would tell. I was having so much fun, I almost forgot Issy had texted Jake until we heard him move the chair out and sit down. "What's so funny?"he asked, giving Issy an annoyed look. She wiped the tears out of her eyes. "Parker was telling us stories from his hometown, and they are hilarious. The one of Mr. French and the cat..."Fits of laugher took hold again, and Jake looked considerably put out that he wasn't included. "I'm sorry, Jake. I guess you had to be here,"she said with a hint of "oops"in her voice. "Well, I'm here now. So, what's for dinner?"He grabbed a menu and began looking at the specials. I couldn't believe he didn't introduce himself to Parker. In fact, I had never seen Jake so off his game before. He looked uncomfortable and antsy. I took that as a direct slam against me and realized that Issy probably didn't mention my being here. The chains started to crawl up my legs, pulling and tugging again. I looked down at my trembling hands and wondered how I ever thought Jake cared about me. "You okay?"Parker whispered in my ear, sounding genuinely concerned. I met his eyes and nodded, trying to give a convincing smile. I would have to do a better job at the whole hide-your-feelings thing. Jake stared at the exchange between me and Parker, and his jaw went rigid. Not wanting to look at him, I focused on Issy, who appeared very pleased with herself. She took that opportunity to make introductions. "Jake, this is Parker, Avery's friend from school. Parker, Jake."The guys nodded at each other, the way men tend to do when uncomfortable, said muffled hellos, and then went back to their menus. The air grew thick around me, and I felt that horrible sensation start in my gut. My heart followed and was soon knocking against my chest in an erratic drumbeat. I cursed myself, begging internally to calm down. Parker's hand reached over and found mine, just like it had in the quad. The effect was immediate. My heart rate slowed, my breathing became normalized, and I could feel the color returning to my face. He let go as soon as I had calmed and smiled up at the group. "I know what I'm having, how about you?"We ordered our food, and Jake excused himself to take a phone call. I was visibly more relaxed as soon as he left the table. "I'm assuming there's a backstory there,"Parker said gently, once again leaning into me. "It's complicated...and not at all an interesting story."I was trying to downplay the tension and my strange response to it. Parker's face said he knew better, but he dropped the subject. Turning his attention back to Issy, he asked her what she liked to do for fun. I don't think he had any idea what an open-ended question that was, because all Issy did was "fun."It defined her life. They were actively engaged in stories of road trips and adventures they wanted to take when Jake returned to the table. He had his old swagger back, like he had pulled a telephone booth transformation. He grabbed his chair by the back of it and slid it over in my direction before he sat down. Our knees touched, and I felt his hand settle on the inside of my thigh. My back went board straight when he began rubbing his finger up and down, so lightly and provocatively that my body immediately responded. I looked up at him, confused, irritated, and totally lost. The heat in his eyes had me blushing and wondering if Parker or Issy had caught our exchange. Luckily, they were still engaged in animated story telling, so they didn't think it was odd when I excused myself to the bathroom. I grabbed both sides of the sink and glared at myself in the mirror. I had to calm down; I had to find some control. How was he able to affect me like that...with just one touch? It was ridiculous! I splashed some cold water on my neck and gave myself another pep talk before making my way back to the table. Our food had come, and I dreaded the idea of eating in such a stressful environment. There was no question I had a love/ hate relationship with food. Life would be so much easier if I just never had to eat again, but here it was, surrounding me as always, mocking me with the realization I would never be free of its hold. I moved my chair away from Jake and sat down, which by default meant I was almost touching Parker's leg. He smelled really nice, like an airy freshness that comes after a morning rain, but masculine enough to make your senses alert. His tender smile eased my tension, and he filled me in on their conversation. "I was asking Issy how you two met.""Oh, no, what did she say?"I was terrified to relive that first day through her eyes. "Why would you ask that? I was perfectly complimentary."Issy pouted like a scolded toddler. "She was very complimentary,"Parker assured me. "Said you were shy and timid, but she could see you had lots of heart. She also said she had never seen anyone run as much as you did."I glanced at Jake, thinking of how many miles were driven by the excitement and anticipation of seeing him. I rolled my eyes. He was texting on his phone under the table as if we were having the most boring conversation in the world. Jerk. I averted my eyes right as Issy pointed out that Parker was a runner too. "He's in some kind of military fraternity, and they run all the time."Parker's eyes sparkled with humor. "They're not exactly a fraternity, but we do run."He turned to me. "Maybe we could go together sometime?"My stomach fluttered. "Sure."Jake chose that moment to come back into the conversation. "I'm ready to go. You guys finished?""Avery hasn't had a chance to finish eating yet, besides I'm having fun,"Issy whined. "No, I'm done. I'll just get the rest to go.""Where's your car, Issy? I'll take you back to it."Jake was trying to hurry us, as if he had somewhere to be...or someone to be with. "Actually Jake, you and I need to plan our Thanksgiving meal. Mom promised to let me pick all the dishes this year, and I need your input."Issy threaded her arm through his and pulled him out the door. "You two go ahead and keep talking, we'll meet you back here in a little while."And like a puff of smoke, they were gone. I didn't know whether to feel nervous or excited about being left alone with Parker. Honestly, it just felt nerve wracking, like I was on a first date or something. Parker chuckled and turned back to me. "Issy is amazing.""She's something, all right. You just never know what to expect next."I was shaking my head, but my voice held nothing but affection for my quirky roommate. "There's a coffee shop on the river if you want to go. They have the whole area lit up this time of year for Christmas, and it's a really beautiful walk.""I'd love that,"I said, eager to get outside where the fresh air could wipe away all my confusion. I texted Issy the new plan and let Parker guide me out the door. The walk was every bit as he described. Trees were lined with white lights, each placed in perfect, equal distance from the other. The walls along the river were decked out with red light wreaths twinkling against the night sky. It's beauty touched something in my heart. It was a feeling of hope. I looked at Parker, wondering if he was the common denominator. The air was crisp, a perfect fall night that made you wear a jacket and scarf, but didn't chill you to the bone. Parker started giving me the background of the city and why they did the Christmas lights each year. As we walked, the heaviness of what wasn't being said started to get to me. "You like to look beyond the obvious, don't you?"My question came out more like an accusation. Parker tilted his head. "What do you mean?""You never seem to take anything at face value. You have some story that goes along with it, whether you're talking about Sheila in the library or a walkway by the river. Even me. I was a wreck when you saw me, on the edge of a complete meltdown, but you act like that horrible moment never happened."I couldn't figure out why I was upset. He'd been nothing but completely nice to me since the first moment we met. Maybe that was the problem. I was broken, and he was acting as if I were whole. I looked down at my feet, stopping our walk. I was so sick of crying. So sick of who I had become. He took my hands in his. "Avery, you weren't wrecked when I saw you, and your story doesn't define you."I shook my head. "I still can't understand why you would even want to talk to me after seeing that.""What I saw that day was a girl who wasn't afraid to examine her life and figure out how to move forward. I sat there watching you and couldn't take my eyes off you. The anguish was real, and I just wanted you to know someone cared.""That's so pathetic,"I scoffed, angry at myself for being so transparent. "No, it's not; it's remarkable. Do you have any idea how many people never get to that point? How many go through life never stopping to realize that they've fallen? Avery, those people can never get up. You can."He was intently looking at me, pleading with me to believe him. "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes,"he finally said when I turned away from him. "That night I saw you watching the sunset, it was like a ray of sunlight had descended. You looked so beautiful sitting there waiting, anticipating an answer from the sky. There was a hopefulness that drew me to you-a glimpse that something great was happening within you."He moved in closer to me. It was as if my body didn't know that I was wounded. It responded to him like we'd been cut from the same cloth and were ready to be stitched together. Confusion tugged at me. I was completely struck by the difference of how I felt with Parker versus Jake. He pulled my hands up to his face and lightly kissed my fingers. It was soft and lingering, and warmed me to the core. "Don't sell yourself short, okay?"He searched my eyes. "I'll try not to."He turned to continue walking, but kept his hand securely in mine, lacing our fingers together. Jake and Issy were already at the coffee shop waiting when we got there. I quickly took my hand out of Parker's before we walked over to their table. If it bothered him, I couldn't tell. He just said cheerful goodbyes to everyone and then turned to leave, giving me one last smile on his way out the door. I sat down at the table and Issy got up to get a refill. "What are you doing?"Jake scooted himself over so we could whisper. "What do you mean?""I mean having Issy text me just to parade another guy in front of me."I was horrified at his implication. "Jake, I had no idea Issy would call, and I certainly wouldn't have let her if she had asked. You and I both know Issy does whatever she wants to.""And the guy?""Seriously? Are we living in two different realms of reality? You are sleeping with someone else. I don't owe you any explanation."I knew my tone was cold and accusatory, but I didn't care. "For the record, I am not sleeping with her. You judge things too quickly, Avery. I never said I didn't care about you, just that I needed some space. I didn't see that as a license for you to go hook up with a new guy."He sounded furious at me, which only added to the chaos in my head. "I'm not hooking up. We just met, and it's nothing more than friendship at this point, anyway.""Avery, that guy does not want to be your friend."I'd studied Jake's eyes a million times, could recite every emotion I'd seen in them. But the bitterness I saw tonight was new and chilling. He had grabbed my arm sometime during the exchange, and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable this close to him. I pulled my arm away. "Why do you even care?"He didn't answer, and I was weary from our staring contest. I got up to leave, not saying another word. He stormed away from the table and out the door, leaving me to do nothing but wonder how it was possible to send so many mixed signals.