Shattered Rose

7. UNFORTUNATE TRUTHS

"Lord, protect her as she navigates through life, bringing forth truths that are so often hidden in the shadows..."

Issy stood in my doorway with her hands on her hips. "I've decided I'm done being angry with you. I miss you too much!"I was once again attempting to figure out my thermo homework. It was like trying to learn a foreign language with no translator. "I want you to come out with me tonight. You haven't been out of this house in weeks, and people are starting to wonder what's happened to you."Her whiny voice resembled that of a spoiled child. My mind reflected on all the fun nights I'd been having "staying in"with Jake. I hadn't heard from him yet today, so it was probably safe to make other plans. "Okay, I'm in. Where are we going?""Do you have to ask? It's Thursday night. Two for one shots at Caesars. Sheesh, have I taught you nothing?"I laughed at her dramatic tone. "I missed you, too, but if you ditch me again tonight...this will be the last time I ever go.""Cross my heart!"she promised and spun out of the doorway. An hour later we were on our way. I felt dressed to kill in a blue, wispy mini dress that hit all the right places. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have been caught dead in a dress this short. But Jake had changed that. I even weighed tonight and had lost five pounds since he came into my life. I wore my hair down and matched Issy's strut, step for step. She winked at me when we walked in the bar, garnering all kinds of stares. Issy, of course, was used to this type of attention. She was practically a celebrity in school, partly due to her father's alumni status, and partly due to her unmatched personality. She was also strikingly gorgeous. But for me, this was my coming out party. I felt like I could stand on a table and say, "I'm with them, and I belong here."Issy came back with two drinks in hand. The bouncers at the door stopped carding her a long time ago. I sipped on the brown liquid that seared my throat and scanned the room. Aaron and Danny were seated at a table off to the side, and I waved at them. Issy rolled her eyes, but I pulled her that way. "Danny's nice. You should give him a chance,"I scolded. She sighed. "Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you when that poor boy's heart gets broken."We walked up to the table and both boys stood up. Issy flirted shamelessly with Danny while I was left to entertain Aaron. "Avery, you look...delicious,"he purred, moving closer to me. I smiled coyly at him, trying to match Issy's motions. I had no interest in Aaron, but I loved the attention and couldn't seem to get enough of it, which was the total opposite of how I felt the first time I met him. Issy pulled me onto the dance floor and, song after song, she and I were surrounded. Sometimes Aaron and Danny would cut in, but Issy never liked to stay with one partner for very long. I began to understand her love for this place. No wonder she had such confidence. Who wouldn't after this? I scanned the room again, and my heart leapt into my throat. Jake was standing at the bar, looking perfect as always. He had his confident swagger going as he reached out to grab his drink from the female bartender. He leaned in for a European style hello kiss and dropped a bill on the bar. How did I get so lucky? He crossed the room, shaking hands and talking with each person he met. People were drawn to him, like kids to an ice cream truck. I was no different. Pushing through the crowd, I started to make my way over to him. He turned the corner and found his seat and that is when I saw her. Light flashed in my eyes, slowing down time. He had his arm around her and was nuzzling her neck like I'd felt him do to me hundreds of times. She had red curly hair and was wearing a dress so tight it left nothing to the imagination. She was prettier than me and had curves in places I never would. My drink started to come up, and I made it to the bathroom just in time. Stars danced in front of my eyes, panic in full swing. I tried to get myself together. Tried to stop the tears that threatened. I looked in the mirror. It was a different picture. The thin, confident woman was gone, and in her place was someone wearing a dress way too short for her imperfect legs. My hands trembled, the "fight or flight"feeling taking over my entire body. "You have to calm down!"I told myself sternly. "Breathe in and out, in and out. You can do this."I managed to pull myself together enough to make it back to the table. Issy was dramatically telling a story about the time she went skydiving and her parachute got jammed. Danny hung on her every word. Normally, I'd be mesmerized too, but all I could do was tell myself, on repeat, not to turn around and stare at the red haired bombshell kissing my so called boyfriend. Issy noticed Jake and started eyeballing me. "You okay?"Her curt voice made me wonder if tonight had been a set up from the beginning. Did she know he would be here? "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"I lied with every ounce of conviction I could muster. "No reason."She paused for a moment but continued to try and read my thoughts. "You want to go say hi to Jake?""I thought you still weren't speaking to him?""Well, making up with you has been such a success tonight, I figure why stop there?"She stood and pulled me through the crowd with determination. I had to play it cool. I had to keep myself under control. Coping had never been my strongest skill. Running and, the other thing, were all that worked to take away my anxiety. But tonight I would have to find a way. As soon as Issy got to the table, she jumped on Jake's lap and hugged him tight. "I forgive you,"she announced, her eyes dancing with amusement. "Really? And to what do I owe this honor?"He was bantering but relaxed immediately. He hadn't said so, but I knew he missed her. I tried not to stare, but he looked so sleek and handsome in his pin stripped shirt and jeans. Jealousy burned my insides. "It's been lonely without my big bad protector. And, honestly, it's not nearly as fun when you don't have someone to tick off,"Issy said and then turned to the redhead. "Hi, I'm Issy, nice to meet you.""I'm Rebecca, Jake's friend. You must be his spunky little cousin I've been hearing so much about."She had a thick southern accent and was rubbing Jake's thigh. My stomach clenched as icy hot fingers trailed my flesh. "This is my roommate, Avery,"Issy said as she stood up. I simply gave a small wave and a fake smile. My voice had failed me, and I feared my knees would follow if I did much more. Jake refused to look at me, but other than that, he seemed completely unaffected by this little meeting. "Well, we have more dancing to do and definitely more shots to drink, so you cats have fun. Jake, don't you dare start lecturing me until at least 2: 00 a.m. That is a perfectly acceptable time for a Thursday night."He smiled and saluted his cousin, sending a wink her way. For all of Issy's beauty and confidence, I'd never once envied her. Until that moment. We walked away, but my ears were still burning. "I think I'm ready for a little of that two for one action now."She made a beeline to the bar and brought me back two shots that promised to heal my aching heart. They only made it worse. We joined Danny and Aaron again, but as much as I tried to feel better, I couldn't. Even Aaron's crude comments and "accidental"grazes did nothing to improve my mood. I looked over at the table where Jake was sitting, but they were gone, and so was my resolve. Resting my head on Issy's shoulder like a drunk sorority sister, I begged her to leave. She patted my face, offering a motherly touch I'd never really known and promised to take me home. Turns out, Issy was a pretty good friend after all. My depression felt even more constricting when I woke up Friday morning. Class was definitely not happening. I'd just get the notes later. My head was throbbing from the dehydration I knew I was facing after last night's episode. I checked my bathroom again to make sure all the evidence was gone and re-hid the food and wrappers in my closet. Issy was in the kitchen making her hangover juice and looked up at me when I walked in. "Wow, you look better than I expected.""What do you mean?""I heard you yakking all night. I almost came in to check on you. I really didn't think you were telling the truth when you said you didn't feel well, but wow, was I wrong. Girl, you are a light weight!"Time froze...she had heard me. My need to protect myself took over every instinct, and I was able to lie without any of my usual constraints. "I know. I've never been so sick. What was in those shots?"I paused for dramatic effect and sat down. "There's no way. Had to be something I ate yesterday.""Well, whatever it was...I don't want it. So take your juice and go on your crazy run, and don't come back until you can promise I won't be doing the same thing tomorrow night!"Sadness gripped me. Don't worry, someone like you will never have to do what I did last night. She had it all. After several glasses of water and Issy's famous hangover juice, I felt good enough to go on a long run. Danny and Aaron were just pulling up when I was about to leave. They honked at me, and I stopped by the car, leaning into their opened window. "You feeling better?"Danny asked, looking concerned. My face burned as I lied again. "Yes, I guess I just ate something that didn't settle in my stomach."Wanting to change the subject, I suggestively asked, "Did you have fun last night?""Why? Did she say something?"I thought of Issy's warning and immediately felt guilty. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed Danny on her. "Sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, Issy never talks about guys."He looked disappointed. Aaron leaned over him to talk to me. "How far you running today?""As far as it takes to clear my head,"I answered honestly before I could stop myself. "I'll catch you guys later."I took the route around the campus lake and just did an easy pace. It hit me on the trail how disappointed I was with myself. I had walked into this year confident and strong. I had gone months without throwing up and was at the top of my class. Now, I was barely hanging on in two classes and one of them felt like a lost cause. My confidence was shot, and I had deluded myself into believing that an incredibly hot, kind and extraordinary man could possibly want me. I passed by the playground that marked the halfway point and stopped. I used to love to swing as a kid. It would make me feel so alive and untouchable. I found an open one in the middle and just started moving back and forth. It was slow and methodical at first, but with each pump, I felt my adrenalin start to increase. "I thought I might find you here,"a voice said behind me. I just kept swinging, not wanting to acknowledge the source. He was quiet for a long time, watching me, and then finally spoke up, "So, you're not going to talk to me? Get my side of the story?"I slowed down enough to look at him, knowing full well I was wearing all my emotions on my face, despite my efforts to hide them. "Not if it's a story. I think I've had enough fairy tales for a while."We engaged in a staring contest, my mind racing with images of busty Rebecca's hand on his thigh. He grabbed the chain of my swing. "Seriously, come talk to me. I don't like feeling this way."It should be illegal the effect Jake had on me, because despite my inner alarm screaming at me to walk away, I followed him to the picnic table. "It's not what you're thinking. She doesn't mean anything. I go out with these girls to keep up the appearance, that's all. I'm known as a player, and I like that. It keeps my life simple."I didn't say anything, just kept kicking at the patch of grass I almost had dislodged from the ground. "I was surprised you didn't say anything when you saw us.""Why's that?"The rasp in my voice told me tears would be coming soon. "Well, most girls would have said something. Some try to play it cool, others lose their temper. But you...total silence. Not even a phone call or text. I wasn't expecting that."I was struck by the fact that this situation was a common occurrence for him. "What were you expecting? I'm not the kind of girl who throws a temper tantrum in the middle of a bar."I looked at him exasperated, reminding myself to hold my ground and demand more respect. "I know that,"he admitted and ran his hands through his hair. "That's the problem. You have made my life complicated because, for the first time, there is someone I want to call when I wake up and talk to before I go to sleep."My heart skipped a beat, and I knew that my resolve was weakening. "How can I believe you? What am I supposed to do with that?"He inched over to me and moved a piece of hair that had stuck to my tear stained cheek. "You can trust me, Avery. I'm not going to let you down."He paused for a second, still caressing my temple. "Let me take you on a real date. Things are better with Issy now, and people have already noticed my lack of nightlife these past few weeks."Tingles danced down my skin at the seductive look in his eyes, my mind replaying the many make out sessions we'd had together. Very tentatively, he reached out and cupped my face. "I'm sorry."His voice was soft and sincere as he moved in to kiss me. Resolve gone, I kissed him back with all the longing, need, and hurt I felt until he gently pulled away. "I didn't like you seeing you out with those guys either,"Jake admitted, keeping his forehead on mine. I looked at him, confused, until I remembered Danny and Aaron. "They are just friends. One is completely in love with your cousin and the other, well, he has LOTS of love interests."Jake kept his piercing eyes on mine. "I still didn't like it."He pulled me on his lap, and we made out shamelessly in the park. Finally, I pushed him away and looked around, feeling a little embarrassed. "Tonight,"he said gruffly before getting up. I just nodded. When I declined a ride home, he drove off. I was still in a daze as I showered and dressed for the day. I had missed my first class but could make it to my second one if I hurried. My phone rang as I walked out the door, and I spent the next five minutes detailing the evening's events to Cara, who already didn't have a high opinion of Jake. "So, did he say you guys were exclusive then?"she asked with an air of irritation in her voice. "No.""Did he at least say he wasn't dating those girls anymore?""No.""Avery!""What? I don't care, okay? He likes me. He practically said I was the one he thought about when he woke up and went to sleep. Besides, I'm a private person too. I totally get him not wanting to expose his personal life to the college paparazzi."I was so exasperated with her interrogation that I was speed walking to class. "So, how did you cope when you saw him at the bar? Any relapses?"She hesitated as she asked me that, and my guilt and shame over my continual failure all manifested in anger. "Why do you always have to go back to that? No, I told you, I'm doing fine with it. Sometimes I wish I had never confided in you. It's like we can't talk about anything else now.""Avery, we talked about it all summer. You told me to ask you. Why are you being so defensive?""Because it feels like all you do is judge me now. It's like having a third parent."I knew I was being unreasonable. She was only trying to help, but it didn't matter. It was my life, my secret, and I didn't need her intrusion. "That's not what I'm trying to do. I don't know how to be here for you anymore,"she explained with a catch in her voice. I had hurt her. "Just laugh with me and be happy for me. Can you do that?""I'll try."She was quiet and then attempted to change her tone. "Call me later and tell me how the date goes, okay?""Okay. Talk to you then."I let out a sigh and sat down in my class chair. My conversations with Cara were just getting more and more trying. I felt horribly guilty for lying to her, but I didn't want to talk about it. I had it under control, and she would just freak out. My class did nothing to improve my mood as the professor worked problems on the board with such speed I had no hope in following. I left class feeling miserable and anxious as I tried to mentally and emotionally prepare for the evening. The afternoon flew by, and before I knew it, it was only two hours before the date. I was at my wits end on what to wear. Nothing looked good, and I was bloated. Issy had ordered takeout for lunch, and I ate way too much. I felt like a stuffed pig. How was I supposed to go on a date with Jake tonight feeling like this? I heard one door shut and then another outside my room. I poked my head out. "Issy?"No answer. Oh, thank goodness! I ran to my bathroom, shut the door, and forced myself to get rid of my lunch. I knew it didn't help-that I never really lost weight by throwing up, but it made me feel better. It calmed me down and allowed me to see rationally instead of emotionally. Tonight was my first real date with Jake, and I had to look perfect. He was charming and deep, more handsome than any man I'd ever known, and for some reason he wanted to be with me. I thought of the two other women I had seen him with and looked at my body in the mirror. They were flawless, and I was not. The mirror magnified every imperfection, and tears consumed me as I covered myself up.