Shattered Rose

9. HEARTACHE

"Lord, I know there will be times in her life when she feels lost and broken. I pray in her weakness that You become her strength..."

My imagination was running wild, even though my heart kept telling it to stop. Jake had been by every night this week, but I couldn't suppress the feeling that something was different. He seemed agitated and distant, leaving at midnight every night, as if he would turn into a pumpkin if he stayed. I felt too insecure to ask him about it and instead pretended everything was okay. Issy was nowhere to be seen. She had finally agreed to a date with Danny, and I guess she had fun because she'd been sleeping over there ever since. The hole her absence left was staggering, and I realized how much her cheerful banter did to lighten the mood. After five days of short answers and distant touches, I couldn't take any more. "Jake, are you upset at me?""No, baby, I'm just stressed. I bombed my finance test on Monday."I knew the feeling. Thermodynamics had gone from bad to worse. I got a D on my midterm, and even my study group stopped calling me because I so often showed up without the work done. Even though his words were terse and his back was rigid, I snuggled up next to him on the couch, kissing his neck. "We could study together. I have a class that's on the brink myself."He stood up briskly and started pacing the room. Nerves pricked at my arms. I couldn't lie to myself any longer. He hadn't so much as touched me beyond the required boyfriend hello and goodbye kisses since our night together. I was starting to question if he enjoyed it, or if he was even attracted to me anymore. "Please tell me what's wrong."My voice was laced with desperation, and Jake flinched at the sound. "Nothing...I'm just feeling smothered, that's all.""By me?""Yes. I mean, no. Just by everything."Fear replaced the nerves. He continued to pace, pulling at his hair. "I just feel like you are putting pressure on me."Where was this coming from? A week ago we were locked in each other's arms, him telling me how close he wanted us to be. "Jake, I have never pressured you. I've never asked for anything."My voice hitched, and I knew I was seconds from losing it. "You think I can't tell? That I don't see everything you are thinking when you look at me? You wear your feelings on your sleeve, Avery, and I can't measure up."His hostility startled me, his voice getting louder with each sentence. "You think I'm this perfect guy without flaws and I'm not."The room began to spin. "I just think I need to take a break for a while, get re-focused."Surely my ears weren't working, because the idea of taking a break from him was like asking a bird to fly without air. I looked down at my chipping toe nail polish. He was breaking up with me. Jake walked over and knelt down, taking my hand in his. "This isn't a breakup, okay? I care a lot about you. I just need to spend time in my own place, doing some guy things for a while."I didn't fight. Didn't beg him to come back when he walked out the door. I just sat there, already knowing what he must have finally seen. There was nothing here to love. I spent the next two weeks in isolation, only leaving the apartment to go to class and work. With Issy gone, episodes became part of my daily ritual, the one thing I looked forward to every day. It was the only thing that brought me peace, and I refused to feel guilty about it when my life was in such turmoil. The bubble I was living in worked well until the harsh reality of school popped it wide open. I sat quietly in the waiting room chair, staring at the note I got from my advisor. Our appointment was at four o'clock, and I was dreading it, knowing full well what we were going to discuss. Thanksgiving was next week, which left only two weeks before finals, and my grades were abysmal. "Dr. Davis will see you now, Ms. Nichols,"the receptionist said in a sweet voice. She looked like she was in her mid sixties and had probably been working in this same office since the university started. She had a kind smile, almost apologetic, as if she knew what I was about to face. I walked into the office that used to bring me comfort. Dr. Davis had been my advisor since freshmen year, and we had always gotten along. It felt different in his office today, smaller, as if the walls were slowly closing in on me. "Have a seat, Avery, I'm just going to pull your file."His voice had the same calm, melodic tone it always had, but I sensed a bite in it. He sat down across from me and got right to the point. "You're having kind of a rough semester, aren't you?"I nodded, too embarrassed to look up at him. "I also see that you only have one hundred hours of work study done, which is well short of where you should be right now. Anything you want to talk about?"He sat back and took off his glasses, waiting for me to respond. I simply shook my head as I unsuccessfully willed the tears to stay back. Dr. Davis sighed and then continued on, "I've seen your grades. I think it's safe to say that you will be on probation next semester. You might want to consider your future plans."I continued to look down at my hands, as I alternated wrapping a string around each one of my fingers. "Avery, I need you to take this seriously."He was getting agitated with me. "I am,"I whispered. "I just don't know what to do. I got behind early and was never able to catch up."He pinched the bridge of his nose while I grabbed a tissue. "We have a one-time grade replacement program here at the university. Mostly due to students like you who show great promise but have one rough semester. I highly recommend you retake Thermodynamics and use it. It's your only shot to get your average back up to where it needs to be."I nodded. "I can do that.""You will have to pay for it, though. Your scholarship doesn't cover repeat courses.""I understand,"I said, having no idea where I was going to get the $ 2500 I needed for the class. "Also, I'm not giving you a pass on your work study hours. I warned you a month ago that you had to get serious. My grad student said you've been flaky at best and often incompetent. I was sure he had the wrong student, but he assures me it was you."His words punched me in the gut. Never in my life had I been such a disappointment to someone. I was the stellar student, daughter and friend. I prided myself in always being the best in the class and constantly exceeding expectations. Yet, as I sat there, I realized how far I was from that person. I hadn't spoken to Cara in weeks, and even before, I didn't think to ask her anything about her life, just clambered on about mine. Issy no longer asked me to go out with her, knowing I would sit and sulk the whole time. Dr. Davis cleared his throat. "Are you staying on campus for Thanksgiving?""I hadn't decided yet.""Well, I recommend you do. You have fifty hours left in your work study requirement, and I expect you to honor those. Thanksgiving break will be a great chance to get in some hours, and my grad student needs the extra help with it being the holidays. He was less than thrilled when I said you would be the one helping him, but I assured him you would be the perfect assistant."He blurred in front of me. "I will. I promise. I don't know what to say except... I'm sorry."My voice cracked a little as I choked out the words. "I know you're better than this, Avery. We'll talk again after finals and figure out the way forward from there."I nodded and stood to leave, giving his receptionist a little wave on the way out. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go home and face the loneliness that waited for me there. I needed Jake. I needed him to tell me it was going to be okay. I needed to feel his arms around me one more time, just so I could feel worthy again. Before I even registered my actions, I was on my way to his apartment. I had never just shown up there unannounced before, but I knew he cared about me and would understand when I told him what I was facing. Wasn't he the one who said it wasn't a breakup? I walked to his door and lightly knocked, my stomach turning inside out with nervousness. He answered the door and my breath caught. I had almost forgotten how beautiful he was. Bare from the waist up, he looked like he had just woken up for the day. He squinted at the light and then tensed when he recognized me. "Avery, what are you doing here?""I just needed to see you. Do you have a minute to talk?"I was careful as I glanced at him, silently urging him to let me in, but not wanting to give away my feelings as easily as he said I did. I heard a noise in the background and immediately placed that thick southern accent. He wasn't alone. The pain that ripped through my chest rivaled that of a flogging. Backing up, I would have taken off in a full sprint if I could only get my legs to work properly. Jake grabbed me by each arm and turned me around. "I never meant to hurt you."My mind was in a daze. The pain making it impossible for me grasp what I had just seen. "I just don't understand what happened. Was it all a lie, everything you said to me? Was I just some conquest for you? I cared about you. I loved you."I sounded jilted and desperate, but I didn't care. My world was crashing all around me. "That's exactly why this doesn't work, Avery. I'm not that guy. I never have been, and you look at me like your world is somehow complete because I'm in it. I'm done being what everyone wants me to be. That part of my life is over!"His words were like bricks, each chipping away pieces of my heart. I looked at him through my tears. "I never asked you to be anything but who you are. All I wanted was to be there for you, to help you."He pushed me away, letting go of the death grip he'd had on my arms. "I don't need your help! I'm not this wounded soul you've made me out to be. I'm just a guy in college who likes to have fun and isn't interested in being tied down right now."Lightning snapped through my veins. "You said I could trust you! That I was special. I thought you cared about me. My God, Jake, you pursued me!"I continued to stare at him, searching his eyes for any remaining feeling that might be there, but there was nothing. "You were special, Avery,"he said, exasperated. He ran his hands through his hair as if remembering. "You were this shy and innocent girl who charmed me with her wit. You were strong on the outside, but so soft and caring on the inside that I found you irresistible."I gripped his shirt. "Jake, I'm still that person."He removed my hands and stepped back. "Something's different, Avery, maybe it's you, maybe it's me..."I willed my ears to stop working, knowing his next words before he said them. "...but I just don't see that girl anymore."That was it, the final blow. The crushing brick that you don't recover from. I looked up at him, this man who held my heart, who I unashamedly gave everything to, and saw him for the first time. I wanted to vomit, to tear every inch of skin off my body. Anything that would replace the devastating pain that had taken over my heart. I didn't remember walking to my car or driving home. I existed in a state of shock, going through motions without registering them in my brain. I didn't remember walking across campus, but somehow here I was, standing in the quad. Nothing made sense; nothing was in focus. I sat down, hoping to somehow end the crushing pain. I didn't know who I was anymore. Everything I once valued and held true, I had discarded without any regard for the consequences. I could sense people around me, some even staring in my direction as I sat frozen to the bench I was sitting on, but I didn't care. Numbness stretched over my shaking body, leaving me cold and empty. If only it would reach my mind, consumed still with thoughts of him. Thoughts frozen in permanent rewind, reminding me over and over again of how much I had failed. There was music playing around me, and I tried to get my ears to focus, to hear anything that might help me stay above the gripping, smothering nothingness that was everywhere around me. How did I get to this point? How did I let the chains get so tight that they were crippling every part of my body, dragging me further and further into this pit? I heard screaming in my head, begging for me to let out its fury, but I just sat there, unable to move, trapped in a silent prison of my own making. The truth glared at me, mocking me for denying it for so long. I had become nothing...and he knew it. The air was getting thicker, and I felt the heaviness start to choke me. Just breathe...in and out...just breathe. The tears were fire racing down my cheeks, provoking me with each drop. I sat, gripping the bench until my knuckles were white. Come on, Avery...just breathe. The bench shifted slightly, and a warm hand covered mine. Looking up through my tears, I saw warmth and compassion in the eyes of a stranger. Sounds returned with a flash. I was in the middle of an outdoor concert, and the band was just finishing. A man in jeans and a button up shirt walked to the podium and started to read from a book. His voice drifted slowly in the air and penetrated the very depths of my heart. "Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."The words rolled around in my head and suddenly, deep down, I felt a spark. I had forgotten the feeling, as it had been so long since I'd felt anything other than despair, but it was there...hope, just a glimmer, but hope all the same.