Shattered Rose

20. NEW YEAR'S

"Lord, I pray that she will soar like the eagle's wings and that You will enable her to stand on the heights..."

The day of the ball was finally here, and I felt as giddy as a school girl. Issy was in her own frenzy, getting the apartment ready for the "epic"party she had planned for tonight. I helped her by vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen, although I couldn't understand why she cared when her friends were just going to trash the place within fifteen minutes of getting there. "Are you sure you want to do this, Issy? New Year's parties have a bad habit of getting out of control,"I asked as we cleaned. She gave me a disapproving look and scolded, "Avery, you are way too practical. I am the queen of party hosting; I practically do it all the time at other people's apartments. This time I won't have to go anywhere. Besides, it's all apartment folks, so they will totally go home when it's over.""Did you invite Danny and Aaron?"I asked hesitantly. Issy and I hadn't discussed him in a while, but I'd run with him the other day and he seemed to be doing better. Issy rolled her eyes and grabbed her phone. "You don't want to go there. I'm still trying to decide how you are going to make this one up to me."She handed me her phone and pressed play on the voicemail. The sound of Danny's voice was heartbreaking. He was obviously drunk and slurring his words, and he went from yelling at her to telling her how much he cared about her. I looked at Issy who had her eyebrow raised and was tapping her finger on the countertop. "That little message got him put right on the blocked caller's list,"she said flatly. It amazed me that she could have no compassion for him at all. I shook my head and handed the phone back to her. Minutes later, Jake was hauling in kegs with a dolly, and I cringed when I saw there were three of them. I felt grateful Issy's family was wealthy, because I had a bad feeling that this place was going to need some serious work in the morning. I pulled off the latex gloves I was wearing, the fumes from the cleaning products starting to make me dizzy, and went to my room to go change. I needed to get a run in before Parker came to pick me up. It was a two and a half hour drive to the ball, and we were leaving at three-thirty to give us plenty of time to get there. Parker tried to explain all the military jargon and expectations to me, but they were way over my head. It all seemed to boil down to the fact that we couldn't be late. Jake looked up as I walked past him and shot me his signature smile. No butterflies came. "You're going to be here, right? It's only fitting that you would toast in the New Year with us.""Um, no, I have plans tonight with Parker. We are going to a military ball.""Sounds horribly boring,"he replied, raising his eyebrows as if I felt the same way. If he was trying to be charming, he was failing miserably. I shot him a dirty look and turned away. "No, it doesn't.""So, are you two going to get all shacked up in a sleazy hotel tonight and finally consummate this relationship?"Issy asked from the kitchen in her usual playful tone. "Issy!"Jake and I yelled in unison. "Why don't you two worry about your party and not what I'm doing,"I retorted, frustrated with their implications. "I'll be back tonight, but it will be well past midnight, and my clothes will have stayed on."Jake rested his arm on the bar and smiled mischievously at me. "I'll be here when you get back."I rolled my eyes and slammed my door. He frustrated me so much. Their comments did nothing but cheapen the relationship I had with Parker, one that went well beyond parties or lust. It was real and honest, and I refused to let them ruin what I knew would be a perfect evening. Hours later, I stood staring at myself in the mirror. I was ready to go, wearing the most beautiful gown I had ever owned. I piled my hair up on my head and just let multiple ringlets hang down around my face and down my back. The exquisite shawl Issy had given me hung around my shoulders, and I chose long silver earnings as my only accessory. I examined every inch of my body and face, and it looked different tonight. My reflection wasn't perfect, but I was okay with it. I could even see the beauty in it. The clock said 3: 20 p.m., and I knew Parker would be here soon. I stepped out of my room, making sure to lock the door. Jake was standing near Issy's room, talking to her as she got ready. He glanced my way, and I saw his face change. It was a look I'd never seen before, but so intense that I had to look away. I heard a knock on the door and Jake yelled, "Come in,"without once taking his heated eyes off me. I started to feel insecure, wondering what he was thinking, until I saw Parker step through the door. He looked breathtakingly handsome in his military uniform. It looked much like a tuxedo, complete with a bow tie, but had medals on the front and rank on the shoulders. The uniform fit him perfectly and showed off how incredibly fit he was. He walked right up to me without saying a word, and I immediately felt good again. I looked in his eyes, realizing how lucky I was and how absolutely special this man was to me. He was gentle and loving and made me feel like a princess. "You're a vision,"he said softly. I smiled playfully and looked him up and down. "You're pretty dashing yourself, soldier."I felt his fingers lightly touch my face as he leaned down for a soft kiss, not wanting to mess up my masterpiece. We said our goodbyes, and Issy was over the moon about how we looked. She doted and cheered and of course made inappropriate comments, but she was sweet, and I couldn't help but hug her before I left. She had made all this possible. Jake didn't say a word, but I didn't expect him to, nor did I need him to. Tonight wasn't about him. We got to the car, and Parker stopped me before I opened the door. "I have something for you,"he said as he pulled out a long, white jewelry box. "I know we already did Christmas, but I saw this and it reminded me so much of you that I had to get it."I opened the box and pulled out a delicate silver necklace that had an intricately carved silver rose in the center of it. It was finest piece I'd ever seen, and the detailing was so precise, there was even one small thorn on the side of the stem. "It's beautiful,"I exclaimed. He put the necklace on me and stared lovingly into my eyes. "It's a gift for when you reach the one month point. You can look at it every day and know you accomplished the impossible."Tears immediately hit my eyes as I reflected on what an incredibly insightful gift it was. He believed in me. "Why the rose?"I asked as I ran my fingers over the delicate metal. "It's the perfect balance of softness and strength. Just like you."I reached up and hugged him tightly, not caring if I wrinkled him or me. No words would express what I was feeling, and I just hoped that my touch could. He hugged me back, reciprocating all I felt and then kissed me softly before opening my door. The drive to Charlotte went by quickly as Parker explained all the ceremonial things I needed to know for the dinner. There were rules on standing and toasting and even what type of dinner conversation was acceptable. I started to worry, but he assured me that all the rules were for the cadets and not for their dates. We pulled up to the hotel and a valet took Parker's car. It was a beautiful building that had to be at least one hundred years old. Inside, a large entryway with an enormous staircase went up one level and then split into two smaller staircases going in opposite directions. The entire hotel was decorated for Christmas and had three large Christmas trees, each artfully decorated in creams and reds, and rich greenery laced through the railing along the stairs. We ascended the stairs to the second floor, where a large banquet room was full of round tables, with one long table at the front of the room. No one was sitting yet, and Parker led us to a reception area where all the other couples were mingling and getting drinks from the bar. The men all looked the same in their uniforms, but Parker was by far the most handsome one there, and I felt proud to be next to him. He introduced me to his friends and to his commanders, who were all very polite and complimentary. Even the women were friendly and seemed genuinely happy to be there. Anytime I started to feel nervous or overwhelmed with all the new people, Parker would subtly rub my back or squeeze my hand, and I would immediately calm down. He seemed to be completely in tune to me and to what I was feeling at any given moment. I had no idea how he always knew. I heard a bell ring, and Parker indicated it was time to get seated. We entered into the vast dining area and found our table, our names delicately etched on a piece of parchment above our place setting. We stood until the head table arrived, and then Parker pulled out my chair, indicating we could now take our places. The dinner actually turned out to be pretty fun. In front of the head table, there was a toilet bowl full of edible things, like orange juice, Dr Pepper, marshmallows, and gummy bears, just to name a few. They were mixed together to create something that could only be described as disgusting. Each time one of the cadets would do something to break "the rules"Parker had told me about, they would have to report to the head table, salute and take a drink from the bowl. Even Parker ended up taking two trips. He was so charming and gracious about it that I joined in with the laughter of the group. It was obvious the cadets thought as highly of him as I did. The dinner bell chimed for a second time, which signified the end of dinner, and each table stood while the head table departed first. When it was our turn, Parker led us back to the reception area where they had opened several large doors that lead to a breathtaking ballroom, complete with wood floors and stunning chandeliers. The ornate windows were all stained glass, giving the atmosphere one of historical charm. The band on stage welcomed us in and started the evening with a perfect rendition of Frank Sinatra's "Fly me to the Moon."Parker glanced toward the dance floor, a smile creeping across his broad lips. "Would you like to dance, my lady?"he asked with a slight bow. I blushed and took his hand, already swept off my feet. Parker was incredibly light on his feet and boldly took the lead as we danced, circling us all around the dance floor. The music seemed to jump off the walls and touch every inch of my being as Parker mouthed the words, "I love you"with the song. It was magical, better than any dream I could have ever conjured up, and I wanted to pinch myself just to believe it was really my life. I felt like Cinderella at the ball, only I wouldn't lose my handsome prince at midnight. The music continued all night, ranging from current hits to timeless classics. Parker and I danced the night away, getting lost more than once in each other's arms. When it was nearing midnight, waiters came around passing out champagne to every person. The whole room started the count down, and with each number, I felt the weight of the year start to fall off my shoulders. I had done it. At midnight, it will have been one month, and there was nothing but promise in the New Year. We clicked our glasses together as we cheered, "Happy New Year!"Parker gathered me in his arms and kissed me with all the joy and promise that encapsulated the room. Others came by to hug us or kiss our cheeks, but I was always acutely aware of Parker's presence, making eye contact every chance I got. The high we got from the evening remained as we drove home, the hum of the car engine matching the peace and comfort we felt with one another. I was tired, but was willing myself to stay awake and talk to Parker for the duration of the drive, not wanting him to get drowsy himself. He seemed alert and perfectly comfortable behind the wheel, allowing me to doze off for just a few minutes. The sound of gravel under the tires brought me back to consciousness, and I sat up startled, unsure where we were. "Shh. It's okay, we just got home,"Parker said softly, rubbing his hand on my back. "I slept the whole way?"I asked horrified. "I'm so sorry.""Why? I loved watching you sleep,"he assured me with a smile. The lights were on when I looked up towards my apartment and I dreaded the scene I was going to walk into. Parker opened my door and walked me upstairs. It was almost three o'clock in the morning, and I knew he was tired. I tried to get him to go home, but, as usual, he first insisted on seeing me safely to my door. It was cracked open when we got to it, and I pushed it a little to see how many people were still there. Surprisingly, it was quiet. I walked in with Parker not far behind and was struck by the disaster that had once been my apartment. Red disposable cups lined the floor. One of the kegs was laying on its side while the other two still had beer dripping from the nozzle. Liquor bottles covered the bar, and a thick, red substance was dripping to the linoleum floor in the kitchen. Around the blender, you could see droplets of thick goo, where someone had obviously forgotten to put the lid on when they turned it on. Jake was passed out on the couch, fully clothed, but with a half-full glass of beer sitting on the coffee table. I walked towards Issy's room, careful to step over the cups along the way and noticed a large hole in the wall right by her room. Her door was slightly open, and I pushed it a little, feeling my stomach turn with uneasiness. She was lying face down on the bed with her arm hanging over the side. Right below her fingertips sat the silver flask I had given her for Christmas. The delicate bottle was turned over on the floor and sat in a puddle of liquid. The room was dark, but the light from the living room was casting a glow over her. My heat pounded against my chest. There was something about her color that didn't seem right. She was always pale, but tonight her face looked sallow...almost blue. I inched closer. "Issy?"I whispered, hoping to get some response. She was laying eerily still and didn't move even when I said her name two more times. I approached the bed and realized her head was lying in a puddle of vomit. I started to panic and shook her fiercely, with no response. Her hands were cold, and I could tell she wasn't breathing. "PARKER!"I screamed as adrenalin rushed through every part of my body. Parker was there in an instant, taking in the sight that had me so shaken. He tried unsuccessfully to wake her, too, and looked up at me. He was completely calm, a stark contrast to my panicked state. "She probably has alcohol poisoning. You need to call 911 right now."He had moved her off the bed and was starting CPR as I rushed to the living room to get my phone. My hands shook uncontrollably as I dialed the number. "911, what's your emergency?"the voice on the other line asked. "My roommate isn't breathing. She was drinking and I don't know what happened, I just got here. Please, she's not breathing, you need to get here right away!""What's your location?""We're in University Apartments, building 1, room 204. Please hurry."Fear was starting to consume me as tears racked my body. "Ma'am, we've got an ambulance on the way. I need you to calm down. Is someone there with your friend?""Yes, my boyfriend is doing CPR..."My voice trailed off as I looked up and saw Parker still frantically trying to revive her. I set down the phone and ran over to Jake, shaking him with all the force I still had left in me. "Jake, you have to wake up. Issy's in trouble. Wake up!"He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in so tight I could hardly breath. He wasn't fully conscious and was still slurring his words. "My sweet Avery, you came back to me. I knew you'd come back to me."I struggled against his strength, pushing hard on his chest to wake him. "Jake, you have to wake up!"He jolted up so quickly that I was thrown hard against the coffee table. The searing pain I felt in my back only lasted a second as the adrenalin took over again. Jake stared at me, disoriented, as if he was in the middle of some strange dream. "It's Issy, Jake. She's not breathing,"I said again, trying to get him to understand. My words finally registered, and he jumped off the couch and ran over to her room. Parker was still doing CPR, but Issy's color wasn't improving. Jake stood there in cold silence, frozen by fear. I heard the ambulance outside and ran to the stairs, waving at them to let them know where to find us. They rushed in with speed and professionalism and had Issy hooked up on a stretcher faster than I could even believe. Jake got in the ambulance with her, and Parker and I followed along in his car. The shock had started to wear off, and my tears came in uncontrollable waves. Even Parker's reassuring hand did nothing to stop the fear that was gripping me. We waited in the emergency room for what felt like a lifetime, until Jake finally appeared to give us an update on her. I could tell by his demeanor that things weren't good. I stood, gripping the chair, unwilling to accept anything but news that she would be alright. Jake stopped right in front of me, virtually ignoring Parker as he spoke. His eyes were hollow and vacant, the emptiness so apparent that my stomach turned. "She's stable, but not out of the woods yet. They have her in a coma and are moving her up to ICU now. I put you down as her sister so you can visit her whenever you want. There are no set hours for family."His voice was flat and hardened. "You should probably go home and get some sleep. There won't be any change tonight."I reached out to hug him, but he stiffened underneath it, refusing to hug me back. "I'm going to get back up there,"he stated after I let him go. Before he left, he turned to Parker, his face still devoid of any emotion. "I suppose I should thank you."It wasn't a question, but more a resigned statement. "Nah, man, no need,"Parker said graciously. Jake just nodded his head and turned to leave. My heart wept for him and what he must be going through, watching Issy lie there just as helpless as his mom had for so many years. Parker put his arm around me and led me to the car. I was silent the entire way home, still unable to process the events from the night. I walked in a daze to my apartment, where the scene hadn't changed from the mess that was there before, but now there hung a darkness that gripped my soul the minute I walked in. "Let me stay with you tonight,"Parker offered, pulling me in for a hug. I pushed him away, not wanting anything that would make me break down again. "I'm fine. I'm just going to clean up a little and go to bed, so I can get back to the hospital tomorrow."My voice was as vacant as my heart felt. "Avery, you don't have to go through this alone. I'm here for you,"Parker insisted, once again trying to draw me in. I put my hands up to stop him again, not wanting to be touched. "I'm fine, Parker, really. I just want to be alone for a little while."He seemed frustrated at what I was saying, but at a loss as to how to reach me. "Please, Parker. Just let me be alone for a while. I promise I'll call you tomorrow."He finally agreed and kissed me on the cheek before he left, glancing back at me one more time, hoping I'd change my mind. I shut and locked the door and went to my room to put on sweats and take down my hair. What had begun as the perfect night, turned into the worst of my life. I grabbed a trash bag from the kitchen and started desperately filling it with all the bottles and cups that were strewn around the apartment. After I had filled three bags, I pulled out the kitchen cleaner and scrubbed each counter with all my might, hoping with each brush I could erase the horror that had happened here. I grabbed another bag, went into Issy's room and pulled off the sheets that were stained in vomit and alcohol. I threw them resentfully in the bag and felt the tears start to streak down my face. I wanted to scream how unfair it was to take her right when things were going so good. Then I felt something against my foot as I threw the bag out of the room. It was her flask, the one I had given her that obviously held the last drop of alcohol she drank before passing out. I was suddenly slammed with a weight of guilt so heavy it pushed me to the floor. It was my fault. Surely, Jake would never let her drink so much. She must have kept it hidden, and I had provided her the means to do so. Sobs racked my body as I felt desperately incapable of calming down. It was me. I did this. I stood, shaking, trying to get my anxiety under control. I ran to my bathroom and leaned over the toilet, holding back the necklace Parker had given me so that it wouldn't fall in my face. I suddenly felt nothing but contempt for it and took it off violently, throwing it on my bed where I wouldn't have to look at it. What a farce! I thought angrily. I'm not strong. I'm nothing. I put my fingers down my throat and allowed all the pain and fear and guilt I was feeling to be washed away. The numbness was short lived, as usual, and I slowly got up off the floor, feeling just as terrible and defeated as I had before, only more exhausted. I walked back into Issy's room, determined to finish my task, and was jarred once again by the emptiness of it. I walked by her bed and saw a little stuffed bear on the floor. It was weathered and old, as if it had been used for years. I picked it up, bringing the soft fur to my nose to take in the scent. It smelled like her perfume, rich and expensive, with a mix of exotic fruits and rich floral. I immediately knew I had to bring it to her. I grabbed a bag out of her closet and quickly packed it with essentials she would want if she woke up. I shook my head. When she woke up. Her little bear and favorite pajamas sat on the top as I zipped the bag. I was surprised by how alert I felt driving to Asheville, even though the sun was rising and I had only slept for a couple of hours in the car. The nursing staff didn't give me any hassle, just as Jake had promised, when I came in and led me right to her room. The blinds were drawn and the room was fairly dark, making the lights and sounds from the respirator even more distressing. Jake was asleep in the recliner with his arms folded and his head lowered as if he had fought sleep as long as he could. Issy looked frightfully pale and fragile under all the tubes that surrounded her face, and I delicately brushed away a piece of her dark hair that had fallen over her eye. I set her bag down as quietly as I could and pulled out her bear, setting it carefully in the fold of her arm. I held her hand and sat on the chair that had been pulled up next to the bed, feeling the tears start to fall again. "I'm sorry,"I whispered, hoping that somehow she could hear me. I heard a rustling noise behind me and turned to see that Jake had woken back up and was sitting with his head in his hands. He looked wrecked and completely exhausted. I walked over to him gingerly and sat on the ottoman in front of him. I put my hands on his wrist and kissed the top of his head, trying to bring any comfort I could. He looked up at me, his eyes no longer vacant, but full of all the pain and fear I knew he was facing. "She's going to get better,"I assured him softly. "There's no way Issy's going out like this. She's way too bullheaded."I tried to flash him a smile and offer up strength that neither one of us had. Jake slowly shook his head and whispered, "I'm not so sure."I let go of his wrist and put my hands in my lap. Jake quickly grabbed them back and stared at me. "Jake, what happened?"I asked, wanting so badly to hear it wasn't my fault. He stayed deafly quiet and then reached up to caress my face. "You have this look you get. Did you know that?"I was taken aback by his switch of topic. "What do you mean?""There's a look you have that betrays everything you are feeling. It's a mix of adoration, respect and love, all rolled into one."He spoke softly with a slight rasp in his voice. My stomach knotted a little, not knowing where he was going with the conversation, but I didn't say a word, just let him go on. "I was actually surprised at how quickly I earned that look from you, and it kind of freaked me out at first. No one had ever looked at me like that, and I felt this expectation to be great, to be better than I knew I was. My mom would give me a similar feeling. Towards the end, she couldn't do much more than hold my hand, but her message was still loud and clear. She believed in me."He stopped for a moment and ran his fingers through his hair before he looked at me and continued, "After she died, it all went away, and I just slowly disappeared. Then there you were, looking at me like that, seeing only the best in me, and it made me mad. Made me feel all this grief all over again. So I'd do something horrible to push you away, to get rid of that look when you saw me. But then I'd miss it. Sometimes it would take me a while, but I would always get it back, reassuring me that I hadn't lost you. "At Christmas, I knew I wanted you back, and that I was finally ready for you. I knew about your guy, believe me, Issy made sure of it. But I wasn't worried about him, because I saw how you always responded to me, even if you had just been with him. I just had to convince you to trust me again."He stopped talking and let me take a moment to hear all he had told me. Everything seemed to make more sense, as if seeing things from his perspective changed the reality in my head. I was just about to say something when I heard him start back up again. "Last night, I was so irritated you weren't staying with us. Irritated that you were still with that joker when I knew we were meant to be together. Then you walked out of your room, looking like an angel, and I knew I wasn't going to let you walk out of there with him. I was ready to grab you and pull you away, sure I could take him out with one good punch. But then I saw it, that look, full of love, admiration and esteem, everything I had longed to see. Everything I needed to see. Only...it wasn't for me. It was for him. And everything just went black,"he finally said, his eyes glossy as he rubbed his right knuckle. It was the first time I noticed how bruised and cut up it was, and I immediately remembered the hole in the wall outside of Issy's room. It was right where he had been standing when we left for the ball. My breath caught as I put my hand over my mouth. "Jake..."I didn't know what to say, just felt helpless sitting there. "I was mad at her,"he explained, the tears spilling over now. "Mad at her for rubbing it in my face when you left. Mad at her for saying everything that I knew was true. I didn't check on her all night..."He couldn't continue, and I held on to him and let him cry it out, running my fingers through his hair as I had so many times before. A knock on the door startled us, and I stood up abruptly as a nurse came in to check Issy's vital signs. Jake had pulled himself together and was immediately in caretaker mode, asking a series of questions about things I had no background on. The nurse finished her chart and then left the room as quickly as she had entered it. "What does all of that mean?"I asked, walking to the other side of her bed. "It means nothing's changed. It also means I'm going to have to make a very difficult phone call to her mom this morning."He fell back down in the recliner, taking the same seated position he had been in all morning. "Avery, I know I was a jerk, and I deserved to lose you. But I don't think I could get through this if you weren't here with me. Even if it is just as friends."I walked back up to him, taking his hand in mine. "Of course. I'll always be here for you. You know that."He flashed me an appreciative smile and squeezed me hand. I closed my eyes for just a second. The butterflies were back.