Shattered Rose

10. GLIMMER OF HOPE

"Lord, You know our needs and our hurts. Guide her as she grows, learning which path You have for her..."

Minutes felt like hours, and hours felt like years, but somehow I managed to survive for two days after my crushing breakup with Jake without another major breakdown. The pit was still surrounding me, but each day I survived, it felt like I was one step closer to that promised light. Opening the door to the engineering lab, I thought about the concert and the stranger who had been so kind to me. He never said a word, just waited until I calmed down and then patted my hand to say goodbye. His mannerisms somehow conveyed that he was sorry I was hurting. The concert had gone on for another hour after he got up, and it held a combination of music and speaking. The music was great, but a lot of the words didn't make sense to me. My time there was a good reprieve, though, because Jake had tried to call three times. He wanted to make sure I got home safely, he had said on my voicemail. I immediately deleted it, feeling total hatred. My anger had subsided a little the last couple of days, but now the sadness was taking over. The sadness of what I had lost-my dignity, my future and my body. All of which were choices I had made with no regrets at the time. I was feeling regret now. In fact, I was feeling it so strongly that I could taste its bitterness. The timer buzzed, and I immediately took the samples out of the freezer and ran the required tests. When I finished, I signed out in the log and headed home, dreading every step. How had it only been four months since my first day when everything looked so promising? I pulled out my phone as I walked, knowing I had to make this phone call. I hadn't told my parents I wasn't coming home for Thanksgiving, and while we weren't close, I knew my mom would use this opportunity to pry. The phone rang, and I took a deep breath to control my nerves. "Hello?"My mom answered in her usual sweet tone. "Hi, Mom. How are you?"My voice was steady despite my anxiety. "I'm good, Avery. How are you? Are you heading our way tomorrow?""Actually, that's what I was calling about. I'm not going to make it home this year. I have a lot of studying to do, and I volunteered to help out with some lab testing over the break."Lie number one. "Oh, okay, dear. So where are you going for Thanksgiving?""Um, the campus has a big dinner they put on. I'll be fine."Lie number two. "Well, just remember that Thanksgiving isn't a license to let yourself go. You don't want that college fifteen to sneak up on you. Have you still been running?"I rolled my eyes, wondering how my mom could take any conversation back to my eating habits. My anxiety was getting worse, so I closed my eyes and took two deep breaths. "Yes, I've been running faithfully every day, and my diet is perfect."Lie number three. "Good. I'm glad to hear it."We continued our conversation a while longer, with her doing most of the talking. She told me all about the latest fad diet she and my sister were doing and promised to send me all the information she had on it. I feigned interest but felt more and more stressed as I talked to her. Finally, after I had remained on the phone an appropriate amount of time, I told her I had to go. "We'll miss you."I doubt it. "You too, Mom. I'll talk to you later."We said our goodbyes, and I hung up the phone, feeling more beat down than I had in two days. I looked around, trying to find anything that would bring me peace. The sun was starting to set and the sky was amazing, full of reds and oranges as if a sun goddess was streaking across the clouds in a wonderful dance. I found my bench (the one from that fateful night) and just stared up at the sky, hoping to find that same spark I had felt there just two days ago. The bench moved slightly, and I peeked up to see a familiar face looking at me. "We really should stop meeting like this,"he offered, his eyebrow shooting up. My cheeks flushed, heat searing the back of my neck. The last time he saw me I was on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown. "You must think I'm crazy."I drew out the words and forced myself to face him. He was actually really cute, a thing I had no ability to process the first time I saw him. He had sandy blond hair that was cut pretty short and dark blue eyes. "Nah, we've all had our moments. I mean, I've actually seen people start banging their head against the wall during finals week."He was trying to make me feel better, which was sweet of him. "Thanks."Normally, I would feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger in the quad, but the smile that moved across his lips was so genuine and honest, I immediately relaxed. "I'm Parker. My first name, not my last. It confuses people sometimes. It was my mom's maiden name and now is a source of constant explanation for me."He was leaning up with his elbows on his knees and looking around the campus as he spoke. When he finished, his eyes rested on me. "And you are?""Avery. It was not my mother's maiden name,"I teased. "Good to know."He had a charm about him that was refreshing. It wasn't the intense attraction I had with Jake, where I wanted to crawl inside of him and get lost there, but I felt at ease with Parker. "Can I walk you somewhere? It's starting to get dark, and I'd hate to think something might happen to you."He stood and hiked up his backpack. "You don't need to. I'm just going to University Apartments; they aren't that far.""I don't mind...if you don't?""Um, okay."I got up, and we started to head towards my apartment. He was taller than me, but not by a huge amount. He was certainly shorter than Jake, but stockier. His t-shirt pulled against his chest, exposing an athlete's body. Comparing Parker to Jake made me sad. I hated that Jake was now my standard for all guys. Hated how he made me believe I was important to him when it turned out I was just like everyone else. "Are you always this quiet when you walk with someone?"Parker asked. I hadn't realized that my mind had wandered for so long. "I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now."Attempting small talk, I asked, "Do you live on campus too?""No, I have a place in Asheville that I rent with another guy. He's pretty cool, so the arrangement works well. Do you have roommates?""Yes, I do. One of them I've never met. She's in Portugal on exchange. The other is amazing. Her name is Issy, and she is fun and exciting, but not around much lately. I kind of miss her."The words came out before I could stop them. What was I thinking telling a perfect stranger how I was feeling? "Yeah, I can see that. I'm not much for being alone either; I'm kind of a people person, you know.""Really? I couldn't tell."My voice hitched, letting him know I was teasing, and his shoulder hit mine in a friendly bump. It took me a second to realize I was smiling and had been for a while. "Have you been at Winsor long?""I'm a junior. Working on pre-med. I really thought this semester would be easier for some reason, but I think that was wishful thinking. The ladies in the library are starting to ask me how my parents are doing...using their first names."He saw my confusion and explained. "I get bored easily so I tend to find people to talk to. Sheila works nights in the medical section. She is a single mom with two kids. I find her inspiring, though. She's the only person in her family to graduate high school, and now she's working on her English degree. She wants to be a teacher. Isn't that cool?"He was unlike anyone I had ever met. Just cheerful and honest, like we had been best friends for decades. I didn't know who Sheila was. I had never once stopped to notice any of the people who worked at the library, despite the hundreds of hours I had spent there. I studied him, my eyes questioning if it was possible for someone to be this nice. "So, which one is yours?"he asked, his head tilting toward the buildings. I hadn't noticed we were here. "Building 1, my stairs are right there.""Great! Well, Avery, it was so nice to finally meet you. And now that I know you are safe, I'm going to drag myself back to my car with much less enjoyment than I had walking you home."His face lit up with animation when he spoke, and his genuine smile nudged a little at my hardened heart. "Thanks again...and I'm really glad I met you, too.""You sound surprised."I laughed and then admitted, "Okay, maybe a little, but pleasantly.""I can live with that! You have a great weekend, Avery. Oh, and keep smiling like that. Your eyes light up when you do."He winked at me and turned to leave. He walked away and I realized that his car was in commuter parking, the other way across campus. His chivalry had added over a mile to his walk. I felt good as I walked up the stairs, almost happy. Maybe this weekend wouldn't be so bad after all. As always, I spoke too soon, because staring back at me when I entered my apartment were Jake's stunning green eyes. He was sitting on the couch with Issy, watching a movie. "Hey, guys,"I somehow managed to say through my disbelief. The crushing pain from the other day returned, and I felt myself stumble back down into the pit. My heart broke all over again as I watched his cool confidence, empty of any feeling he used to have for me. "Avery, hi!"Issy yelled, jumping off the couch to give me a big hug. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages! We've decided to do a marathon of The Office this weekend since the nightlife before Thanksgiving is nonexistent."She sat back down by Jake, who hadn't moved since I walked in the door. The sliver of happiness I felt with Parker vanished, and my bitterness came rushing back. "Sounds like fun,"I muttered and went to the kitchen. I refused to hide in my room just because Jake decided to show up at MY apartment. "If I made popcorn, would there be any takers?" Issy put her hand up enthusiastically. "Jake?"I asked coolly. "Yeah, I'll take some."He didn't move his eyes from the TV. I threw the popcorn in the microwave. What a coward. How did I not see it before? Every time there was an uncomfortable situation, Jake would check out. I put my books in my room and then passed out the popcorn before sitting down. The tension between me and Jake was as thick as the dense fog in my photograph. "Where's Danny tonight?"He and Issy had been inseparable for weeks. "I wouldn't go there if I were you."There was a hint of amusement in Jake's voice that, a week ago, would have sent flutters to my stomach. Tonight it just made me angry and sour. "Danny's over,"Issy said nonchalantly, and then started hysterically laughing at something happening on the screen. "Why? I thought you liked him.""He said the 'L'word."She said the letter "L"with such disgust that I thought she might lose her popcorn. "The 'L'word? Am I missing something?""Really, Avery? I've obviously left you alone way too long. L-O-V-E. Yuk, I can hardly say it."It took me a second, but then it struck me. I did the same thing to Jake. Love must be a bad word in their family, because both of them ran from it like sprinters in the Olympics. I wanted to scream at her for hurting him. Scream at Jake, too, for just sitting there as if he hadn't crushed my world. But I didn't say a word and focused on the screen. I lasted an hour but then excused myself, saying there was only so much "Michael"I could take. The truth was, there was only so much Jake I could take without completely breaking down, and I had had my fill. The only positive thing...I didn't throw up. That marked three days. I decided to take joy in the small victories and internally patted myself on the back when I turned out my light. Around two in the morning, I heard a knock on my door. "Avery, are you awake?"Issy whispered. "I am now. Come in,"I sat up in bed and turned on my lamp. "Is something wrong?""No, I just wanted to talk to you, and knew I had to wait until Jake was asleep."I peeked out my door and saw him passed out in his usual position on the couch. "What about?""I just wanted to see if you were okay. You were acting a little strange tonight. I tried to talk to Jake about it, but he got defensive like he always does when he behaves badly with a friend of mine. I just don't want you to leave like Betsy did. It's partly why I tried so hard to keep you two apart."I sat silent for a while. That speech was the most serious dialogue Issy had ever given, and I didn't quite know how to respond to it. Part of me wanted to tell her everything, to confide in her about my struggles with food and about the horrific way Jake ripped my heart out. But that would require vulnerability, and I was still healing from the last time I had given it to someone. So, instead I deflected to something true, but much less honest. "Issy, you don't have to worry about me leaving, well, unless my grades don't come up."I sighed and then lied through my teeth. "I'm not upset about Jake. I was never that serious about him anyway. It's my grades that have me on edge. I'll be on probation with my scholarship next semester, and if I don't get them back up, I'll lose it for good.""I'm sorry. I had no idea.""I have no one to blame but myself. I knew it was going to be a hard semester, and I chose not to make it a priority. I'm just going to have to really buckle down next semester. Which, of course, means much less partying."I tried to give my voice a teasing edge to let her know I didn't blame her, and then I changed the subject. "So, what really happened with Danny?""It just got too intense. I like to have fun. I'm kind of a free bird like that."Her face stayed completely void of any emotion. "Is he upset?""I don't know. I stopped taking his calls.""Issy, that's horrible! You didn't even tell him why you were breaking up with him?"She cocked her head to the side as if talking to a five year old. "You have to be dating in order to break up, Avery.""You've been sleeping over there for weeks. That's dating."Issy just shrugged. "Maybe to you. I don't do relationships. Anyway, when are you leaving for Thanksgiving?""I'm not."Irritation burned in my stomach. She was no better than Jake. "Ohhh, you should come with me!""No way.""Come on, Avery, you've never met my mom, and there is no way I can deal with my dad without you there. You have to come!"The thought of eating Thanksgiving dinner with Jake made me ill. "You have Jake. You don't need me.""Are you kidding? That's exactly why I need you. I hate Jake when he is around my mom, and he can't stand my dad and refuses to go over there with me. I need a buffer. Please. Pretty please."There was no way I'd let her talk me into this, but I was edgy and too tired to argue. I'd put my foot down tomorrow. "I'll think about Thanksgiving Day only. I'm working the rest of the week.""You're the best, Avery! I'm so glad you moved in!"She jumped off my bed and said good night. Avery Nichols, I mused. The world's biggest pushover.