Shattered Rose

19. TELLING SECRETS

"I pray, Lord, that she knows she has a Savior who is able to sympathize with her weakness , and that she knows she can find grace in her time of need..."

The morning seemed to come too quickly for me as I dragged myself out of bed. It wasn't early, but I still seemed to lack any energy. Parker was coming home today, and the thought of seeing him made me nervous. Two days ago, I had been so sure, convinced that I had put Jake out of my life for good. But last night, he was broken and honest, all the things I loved so much about him when we first met. I needed to run, to clear my foggy head. I got dressed and opened my door-sure Jake would be long gone. He always seemed to disappear when things got too intimate, and last night was well beyond the limit for him. But, he wasn't. Instead, he was sitting on the couch in his undershirt and boxers watching Sportscenter. He looked disheveled and ridiculously sexy, and I immediately blushed when I felt myself daydream of us together. He looked up and saw me, flashing me his signature grin that always made my heart stop. I had to snap out of it. It was unhealthy how easily I could get sucked back in. "I thought you'd be gone already,"I said, walking towards the kitchen. His eyes followed me as I moved, making me feel self-conscious about how I was dressed. "I thought we might go do something today. You got plans?"He was standing up to stretch, and I could see his muscles bulge through his shirt. I looked down, embarrassed, but he was quick to catch me staring. He walked to the kitchen, grinning and kept putting himself in my way so I would naturally bump into him. I was getting frustrated and it only made the sparks between us that much more intense. I finally was about to say something when Issy walked out of her room. She looked like her hair had spun in the dryer for two days, and I couldn't hold in the laughter when I saw her. "Ha ha. We can't all look like a running goddess in the morning,"she snapped and then noticed Jake standing right behind me, his hand resting on my hipbone. "What are you still doing here?""Lovely to see you too, sleeping beauty,"Jake replied as he walked past her, ruffling her already crazy hair. He settled back in on the couch, but shot me a seductive look before he did. Before I could even get my hands to stop shaking, there was a knock at the door. "You expecting anyone?"I asked Issy as she drank her coffee at the bar. She shook her head like I was crazy to even think she'd have someone here this early. They knocked again, and I realized that no one else was moving to get it. The minute I unlocked the door and cracked it open, Parker was inside the room, cupping my face and kissing me with full abandonment. I hardly had any time to react before he stopped and looked lovingly at me. "I have been wanting to do that for days,"he whispered as he leaned in to kiss me again. I pulled back before he could, gesturing to the others in the room. "Morning, Parker,"Issy called from the bar, enjoyment apparent in her voice. Parker didn't take his eyes off Jake, who sat comfortably watching TV as if he owned the place. "Good morning,"Parker finally said back to her. The tension in the room was palpable, and the longer the silence hovered, the more severe it became. Jake never took his eyes off the screen, but I could see a slight hint of a smile on his lips. I grabbed Parker's arm and motioned to my room. He followed stiffly, never fully taking his eyes off Jake. We got in the room, and as soon as I shut the door he asked, "What's he doing here, Avery?"I could tell he was upset. "He's Issy's cousin. They are pretty close to inseparable,"I explained, trying to downplay the situation. "He sleeps here?""Um, yeah, most of the time. He has a key. Sometimes they crash at his place too. It just depends. He comes and goes at will."Parker seemed even more irritated at that piece of information, and I knew I needed to distract him before he started reading too much into it. "I don't want to talk about that, though,"I said, walking up to him and putting my arms around his neck. "I missed you."He took the bait and leaned down, capturing my mouth in his. I kissed him back this time and he seemed to relax. "I was worried when I didn't hear from you last night,"he said softly, running his hands through my hair as he looked over my face like he was taking in all of me. "I know. I'm sorry. Issy got me right as I walked in the door and dragged me to her friend's party. We got back so late, I didn't want to bother you."It wasn't totally a lie, although my heart was racing as the guilt started to eat at it. "Avery, it's never too late to call me, okay? I always want to know you're safe."I nodded, frustrated at myself for thinking about Jake for even one second when I had such a wonderful man. "So, I've come to kidnap you,"he said with a sparkle in his eye. "Really, where are you taking me?""It's a surprise, but I can tell you that you need to wear jeans and hiking shoes.""What, my running attire is not acceptable?"I gave a little curtsy. He looked me up and down, and his eyes got a sultry look to them that made my stomach do a somersault. "They're something alright."He turned away to look at other things around the room. "I have to admit, Avery, it bothers me that he's here, especially knowing you look like this in the morning."I knew I was being forward, but I didn't care. I walked up to his back, wrapped my arms around him and started moving my hands across his chest, running my fingers along each of his muscles, while I slowly kissed his shoulders. I could feel his body tensing, but I just continued to persist. I wanted to feel close to him, wanted something that would finally break through all the confusion. He turned around and captured me in his arms, kissing me with such ferocity that heat started to consume my body. We fell on the bed, and I continued to be bold, pulling him closer and closer. I put my hands under his shirt, rubbing them all over his back and chest. He started to do the same and then froze, pulling his head away, trying to catch his breath. I continued to tug at him, searching for his lips, but he was moving off me with determination. I sat breathless on the bed, while he stood gripping the desk. "You're making it very hard for me to stick to my convictions. I think your room is now officially off limits."His voice wasn't harsh, just labored, as I knew he was fighting to regain control. He looked up at me, and we stared at each other in silence before he moved to the door. "I'll wait for you in the car while you change."He headed out my door and the apartment without saying another word. I felt stupid and insecure for pushing him when he had made his feelings on it so clear. I saw Jake looking in my room at me. He had a smug look on his face, and I was sure he misread Parker's quick exit. I got up and shut my door. He was the last person I wanted to see. It took me less than fifteen minutes to get ready to go, opting to pile my hair on top of my head with a clip versus trying to do something with it. I locked my door and turned to see Jake leaning against the sofa with his arms folded. He had showered and changed and looked like he was waiting on me. "Trouble in paradise?"he asked, looking disturbingly pleased with himself. "No, not that it's any of your business."He stepped towards me and grabbed my arm so hard it scared me. Our faces were close to touching and his eyes looked dark. Dangerous. "He's never going to be enough for you,"he seethed. "We belong together. And no matter how much you deny it, I can see it every time you look at me."His voice got softer and his grip lighter, but I still felt frozen by his words. We stared at each other defiantly for a long time until he finally walked out the door, shutting it far harder than was necessary. Issy was still at the bar and put up her hands in surrender when my eyes searched her for some explanation. "Don't look at me; I told you he was complicated,"she said flatly and went off to her room. The worst of it was that I had caused this. I had let Jake see that he could still get to me-that I hadn't fully let him go. I sat on the couch, trying to get my pounding heart to settle before I met Parker at the car. He was leaning on the car hood, messing with his phone, when I finally came down the stairs. My walk was tentative, as I felt I owed him an apology. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my cheek to his hard chest. "I'm sorry."He kissed my head and hugged me back. "Don't apologize; it's not your fault. I know better than to put myself in situations where I can lose control."He tenderly lifted my chin and kissed me as if to confirm he wasn't upset, then opened my door so I could get inside the car. "So now can you tell me where we're going?"I asked after he had pulled off campus. "The suspense is starting to get to me.""Okay, my impatient girl. I have a friend whose parents own a cabin just a half hour from here. It sits right next to Pisgah National Forest and has unbelievable hiking trails. Anyway, I called in a favor, and it's ours for the day,"he shared, grinning. I reached over and kissed his cheek, thinking this was exactly what I needed today. The cabin sat four miles from the Blue Ridge Parkway, where Mount Pisgah could be seen in all its glory. The cabin itself was small and very rustic, with a mix of horizontal logs and stone for its façade. The gray stone fireplace must have been added on later, because it jutted out of the house, offering character and charm to the small cabin. Inside, most of the walls continued to be made up of large horizontal logs, and those that weren't were covered in rich wood paneling. A large oval rug lay on the wood floor in the living room, where there was only one oversized red couch and a brown leather recliner. The homey feel continued in the kitchen, where bar stools were covered in a southwestern pattern of reds and oranges. I noticed one bedroom with a bathroom that sat just off the living room, but no other doors except the one to the back of the house where a large deck was overlooking the amazing views. Parker didn't say a word as I absorbed the space and the atmosphere but looked pleased that I could appreciate it. I walked out back to enjoy the fresh mountain air and felt invigorated by its beauty. "This is unbelievable.""I knew you'd love it,"he said affectionately as he wrapped his arms around me. Every time I was in his presence, I felt safe and loved, and each time I was without it, I'd forget how amazing it made me feel. Just last night Jake had tried to hold me the same way, and while familiar with him, Parker's arms felt stronger and right. So right. I leaned back into his chest, absorbed in how perfect this moment was. "The trail starts over there, and it's a six mile hike round trip. It may take us a few hours, so we should probably get going so we get back before dark.""Sounds great!"I exclaimed, excited to go, but secretly disappointed when he let go of me. He gathered all we needed in his backpack and took the lead up the trail. At first the path was pretty easy, just basic forest bedding and a few stray branches. However, a mile into the hike, the elevation picked up and we navigated through large boulders and steep cliffs. It was physically challenging, but I was never scared because Parker was at my side with each step, helping me through any obstacle that came my way. It took us two hours to complete the three mile ascent, but the beauty that awaited us at the top was totally worth it. We stood on a stone ledge and overlooked the mountain range; I had never seen anything so beautiful in all my life. A few feet away was a large waterfall that fell to at least one hundred feet below us. The sound of the rushing water made my pulse quicken as I thought about the power behind such a wonder of nature. We found a safe place to rest and sat in silence, enjoying the view and the light mist that came up from the falls. I reflected on the journey I'd taken with Parker, how he found me so devastated and broken, yet now I sat at the top of a mountain ridge, with the world awaiting me. The tears hit me with such a force that I couldn't hold them back, and Parker quickly came to my aid, asking what was wrong. "Nothing's wrong,"I assured him, smiling through my tears. "I just feel free, like genuinely, fully free, and it's a little overwhelming is all. A month ago, I didn't know how I was going to get out of bed, and now..."He wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried. He was so good, so honest and perfect, that I knew in that moment I had to tell him. My heart started pounding as I searched for the words, my mind trying to convince me not to do it. But I wanted him to know, even if it meant he'd never look at me the same. Somehow, being up there gave me the strength to open up fully to him. I felt I owed it to him, to be completely honest about who I was, when he had given me so much. "I have to tell you something,"I said, turning my body so that we were facing each other. He looked concerned, almost nervous, as if I was about to drop a huge bomb on our relationship. I put my hand on his cheek softly to reassure him and began telling him my story. I could feel my hands shaking, and every part of me screamed to stop for self-preservation. I almost changed my mind, but one look in his genuine eyes, and I knew it was time. "Parker, there is a lot people don't know about me. I'm kind of a closed book in a lot of ways. But you are always somehow finding ways to read me and break through the barriers I set up to keep people away. It scared me at first, but now I feel like I can tell you something I've only told one other person in my life. It's something that I never share because I know that if I ever told the truth, people would look at me differently, see me as the fraud that I am."My voice caught as I said the last word, and Parker grabbed my hand, encouraging me to go on. "The reason this matters is because feeling in control is vitally important to me. My family were pros at avoiding conflict, so whenever there was one, nobody seemed to know what to do. I learned very quickly that feelings were best left to myself, and that's what I did every time I felt anything. I would swallow it and put on a smile, determined to be as strong as I appeared. "But I wasn't strong, and I found at an early age that I could find solace in eating. That it would calm my nerves or ease my pain if I needed it to. It was something I could control when nothing else was going right. The end result was that in junior high I got really heavy. And while it didn't bother me that much, it just about killed my mom. She started putting me on diets and making me exercise with her, all trying to get my weight under control. "Eventually, kids started teasing me at school and soon it became very easy to believe the things they said, which were that I was ugly and fat. Between my mom's need to change me and the teasing at school, my self-worth revolved around my appearance. Worse, every time I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw."Parker reacted to that admission and moved closer to me, taking just a moment to caress my cheek while he listened. "A few years later, my body changed, and I lost a lot of the baby fat and developed in a way that made boys notice me. It was the first time in years that I felt good about myself, and I started to obsessively diet and exercise to ensure that the weight would never come back. "Unfortunately, since I had already wrapped so much emotion into eating, I found it really difficult to eat in a healthy manner. I would sneak food when my mom wasn't looking to get the comfort I needed. But the weight started to come back, so I thought I'd try something I had heard people do, which is to make yourself throw up so you wouldn't gain weight."I stared down at my hands, not wanting to go on, but Parker lifted my chin, letting me know he wanted to hear more. "It worked for a while. I would diet for days or weeks, depending on my will power, and then when it got to be too much, I would go on a binge and afterwards throw it up. I had convinced myself that it was the perfect weight maintenance plan and never realized how much it consumed me. I had convinced myself that I was controlling it, not the other way around. "When I got to college, I thought it would go away. I believed that being here would somehow heal me. I stopped, but only for about four weeks. When I looked in the mirror, I could only see the flaws, and somehow throwing up would make me feel better about it, and then worse again, creating this vicious cycle. "Soon, it would make me feel better about a lot of things, a bad grade, a hurt feeling, a bad conversation with my mom. You name it, it became my coping mechanism, and I realized that I couldn't stop. It was starting to control my life. "I never told anyone. It was my secret, and I knew as long as no one knew, I could continue to do it, but I started to see how it was affecting the rest of my life. One, I spent most of my freshmen year in isolation, not participating in events or with other students, because I felt so insecure about how I looked. I was constantly comparing my body to other women and always came up short. "It was overtaking my life, and I wanted it to stop. So, I told my best friend, and she was great about it. She would call and check up on me and would be there for me when I was struggling. This summer, I hit a milestone. I had gone two months without throwing up until the day I stepped back on campus, and then the stress and pressure hit me like a ton of bricks. "That night in the quad wasn't just about Jake or my failure at school, but it was also about this. I was in a shame spiral and had just spent weeks indulging in it every day...for hours at a time. I got to the point where I couldn't even look in the mirror without crying, because I hated what I saw so fiercely."I took his hand and stared up at him, wanting to convey all the emotion I felt towards him. "And then I met you, and somehow it got better. Somehow, I started to believe in how you saw me more than how I saw myself. I still mess up, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like there's hope for healing, and I know you're a part of that. You always say no secrets, so I'm telling you this, because I wanted you to know I trust you."My heart beat so hard it was hurting my chest, and I kept my eyes away as he processed all the information I had just thrown on him. This was always the moment I dreaded, the one that had previously kept me from sharing my secret. The moment when they would look at me for the first time, and despite how hard they tried not to...they would see me differently. I tried to mentally prepare myself for it, for the loss of adoration. His hand cupped my face. My eyes were glassy, and I knew I was seconds from breaking down. His stare was like a caress. "I love you, Avery. And not despite this or because of this; I love you because you're you. That will never change."I felt myself exhale as I lost all composure and cried in his arms. I believed him, and I wanted so badly to say it back, but I never found the words. Instead I held him close, hoping in some way he knew how precious he was to me. When I had calmed and wiped my eyes, Parker took my hand and squeezed it. "Avery, I know I've failed when it comes to talking with you about what I believe, but I think now, more than ever, I need to explain why my faith is so important to me. You see, Christ is the one who has shown me how to love, because He loves us even though we constantly mess up. It's important you understand this, because I know that I can only offer you a small glimpse into the unconditional love Christ has for you."Parker's eyes light up with passion and intensity. I knew he fully believed what he was telling me. I wanted to believe it too, but it felt too easy. If there was a God, He certainly wouldn't find me worthy of His love. I didn't want to talk about it any more, so I just smiled at Parker and said, "Thank you."As usual, he sensed the conversation was over. We made our way back down the mountain and enjoyed the sunset together out on the deck. Parker told me all his stories from Christmas, and I spent most of the time laughing so hard my stomach hurt. His brother and family were in the States for the holiday, and their three-year-old son was quite the showboat, always looking for new ways to get everyone's attention. It sounded like an amazing time, and I couldn't help but hope one day I would get to meet them. Parker grilled us a wonderful meal, and it honestly felt like I had stepped into a perfect world I never wanted to leave. He didn't even watch me while I ate, which I was sure would happen once he knew my secret. In fact, the knowledge of it didn't seem to change us at all. It almost made me wonder why I had kept it hidden for so long. We started a fire and then stretched out on pillows and blankets that Parker put on the floor for us. The fire was crackling, and I could hear Parker breathing as my head rested quietly on his chest. "Can I ask you a question about it?"Parker asked hesitantly after a few minutes of silence. "I guess that's fair after dropping it on you like that."I was trying to make light of it, but deep down I was nervous. "When is the last time you did it?""Finals week, and before that it was the night we walked along the river,"I answered honestly. "I've gotten to the point where it's not a daily struggle anymore, but I seem to get just shy of that one month point, and then something triggers it. It's like this elusive goal I can't seem to reach.""You'll reach it. I know that without question,"he said confidently. "And what about your friend? Is she still there for you to talk to?"My heart tugged a little as I thought of the estranged relationship between Cara and me. "No, our friendship wasn't able to handle her knowing,"I answered with regret. "It wasn't her fault. It was all me."He seemed to hold me tighter, and I wondered if he was questioning like I was, if ours, too, would fail this test. I suddenly felt nervous and wanted reassurance that we were still close, that he still wanted me like he used to. I rolled over and started kissing him, moving my body to where it was completely on top of his. He responded, as I'd hoped and kissed me back with all the passion and desire he once had. I felt desperate to be closer to him, like I wanted his body to completely envelope me into it. I straddled his waist and started kissing his neck and his ear. I could feel his rapid breath and the more passionately he kissed me, the bolder I became. He sat up and pulled me close to him, our torsos touching. I had never wanted him so badly and pulled his shirt off with such force that my body was shaking. He grabbed the back of my head and brought our lips together. Every one of my senses awakened. But, like always, he slowly put the brakes on and left me panting, needing so much more. "Don't you want me?"I asked, breathless, staring at him. "Of course I want you, Avery. You have no idea how badly, but we're not ready for this,"he said, his face as flushed as mine. I got off his lap and turned away. I could hear him put back on his shirt and come sit next me as I faced the fire. "If we do this now, it will confuse everything.""What if it doesn't? What if it makes it better?"I felt rejected and desperate. "It won't.""You don't know that, Parker.""Yes, I do,"he stated softly. "Avery, we aren't there yet. I know you don't fully understand my convictions, but I pray one day you will. I believe that sex is meant for marriage, when two people are promised for a lifetime. If we cross that boundary now, we can't go back, and it will give us a sense of closeness to each other that we aren't emotionally ready for."I put my head in my hands, not wanting to hear what he was saying. How was it possible that I was trying to convince a twenty-one year old man to have sex with me? It seemed laughable. "Avery, part of what's so special in our relationship is the journey, and I don't want to take any step for granted."He moved a piece of hair off my face and looked pleadingly at me, trying to get me to understand. "So you've never been tempted?""Tempted? Yes, all the time, especially since I met you,"he answered honestly. "But I've never acted on it, and I try my best to stay out of compromising situations."I turned my head away, ashamed I couldn't give the same answer. He was quiet for a long time and then asked, "Have you?"I didn't say a word, just stared at him with all the shame and hurt consuming me. He let out a long sigh and lay back on the floor with his hands over his head. "Jake,"he said, his contempt apparent. "Is there anything that guy didn't take from you?"He wasn't really talking to me anymore-just seemed to be asking the air. I felt the tears start to come and wanted to crawl into the deepest hole I could find. He was too good for me, and he deserved better. I knew it, and it was only a matter of time before he realized it, too. After he seemed to have time to process the new information, he sat back up and wrapped his arms around me. I immediately relaxed into him, wanting to enjoy the last few moments I had before it was all taken from me. "It doesn't change anything for me,"he whispered softly. "How can it not?"I asked through my tears. "I won't lie, I hate it. I hate it so much that it makes my stomach turn when I think of you with him. I don't think I'd be human if that weren't true."He moved my hair so he could kiss my shoulder. "You have to understand, though, when I look at you, I just see you. Nothing else. And I'm in love with you. I don't care about your past. I see who you are becoming."His voice was soft, and I felt like his words caressed every inch of my soul. That day with Parker had been the most amazing of my life, and even though I felt physically drained when he walked me to my door, I was more emotionally sure than I had ever been in my life. He kissed me goodbye with all the tenderness I had come to love about him, and I shut the door. Jake was on the couch, sleeping, and I looked at him resting peacefully. He still looked strangely confident and vulnerable at the same time, but different tonight, less enchanting somehow. I could see him clearly, without blinders, for the first time. I stepped quietly into my room. There was no confusion tonight.