Shattered Rose

17. GOING HOME

"Lord, deliver her from those would harm her, whose mouths are full of lies. Show her that Your hand will guide her..."

I was cuddled up next to Parker on the drive home, with my head resting on his shoulder. It had been a glorious two days with his family, and part of me never wanted to leave. Between snowball fights and long walks in the woods, I felt more bonded to Parker than I ever had before. I even went to church with him and his family and enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. His world was safe and free, and most of all honest. I peeked down at my purse and saw the small Bible Parker's mom had given me before we left. Her sweet voice assured me that reading it could solve all of life's mysteries. She also promised me that if I ever needed direction in my life, it would surely guide me. I smiled at the gesture. No one had ever given me a Bible before. Looking back out the window, I could see the vast darkness as we made our way back to campus; it seemed to match my feelings that something ominous was waiting for me when I got home. I shuddered and tried to push the thought out of my head. "You cold?"Parker asked, turning up the heat. "No, I'm fine. Just not looking forward to returning to reality just yet.""Well, if you want to escape reality again, I have a proposition for you."I perked up, eager to do anything that meant we were together. "You know I go each month to Charlotte for training, right?"I nodded. "Well, along with that requirement, they have a ball each year they put on, and it's mandatory that we attend. This year, in their genius, they scheduled it on New Year's."He sounded frustrated with the prospect. I'm guessing these balls weren't that much fun. "It's a lot of pomp and ceremony during the dinner, but afterwards there is a dance. Anyway, I wanted to see if you would go with me."He sounded like a nervous teenager, and I had to hold in the laughter. "Of course, I'll go. Why wouldn't I?"I asked. He seemed surprised and then excited. "I don't know. You were so hesitant to go to my parent's house; I kind of feared this would be completely out of your comfort zone. I already had my convincing speech all ready to go."I thought about it for a moment and realized that he was right; one month ago I would have shuddered at the thought, but Parker was changing me. Through his eyes, I was beginning to see myself differently, which in turn made events like that one much less daunting. "No convincing necessary. I'd love to go with you,"I assured him and resumed my place on his shoulder. He reached up with his hand and caressed my face. We drove in silence the rest of the way, enjoying the moonlight against the dark roads, until we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment. I leaned in to give him a kiss goodbye, but he insisted on walking me to the apartment. I wasn't looking forward to the loneliness of it or the prospect of driving nine hours in the morning. I clicked open the door and was thrilled to see Issy on the couch, randomly flipping through channels at such a speed I didn't know how she could even register what was on. "Oh, thank goodness you're home!"Issy screamed when we walked in. "This place is a ghost town, and I was seriously about to give in and drive to my mom's house."I laughed and gave her a hug. Issy hated to be alone almost as much as I hated to be in a crowd of strangers, and even a few of hours of it made her start to go stir crazy. I turned to tell Parker goodbye and that I was going to miss him. He gave me a long, lingering kiss and said to call him when I got on the road in the morning. Issy piped up from the living room, her eyes remaining fixed on the television screen. "Oh, aren't you two cute! Now get out of here before I puke."I gave Parker one last goodbye kiss and shut the door, joining Issy on the couch. "That wasn't very nice,"I scolded. "I don't want to hear it. Here I am, all alone, roommateless and cousinless and you're shamefully kissing boys right in front of me."She put on her best pout, and I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I'm sorry."I reached in my bag to pull out her Christmas present. "Peace offering?"She took the gift like a three-year-old on Christmas morning and practically jumped to her knees on the couch as she opened it. I wasn't sure what she'd think of the gift. I mean, what does one get the girl who can buy anything she wants and whose only real hobby was partying? I ended up going with a small silver flask with intricate detailing that ran up the sides. I had them engrave her name in the center and put the quote, "To thine own self be true"on the bottom. She handled it gingerly, running her fingers over each detail. She lingered on the quote for a while and then almost knocked me over with her hug. "I love it!"she said excitedly, and I was thrilled. The best thing about Issy was that I always knew where I stood. She wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it. She ran to her room and came back holding a beautifully wrapped box with a large gold bow. "Your turn."I smiled as I opened the package, feeling almost guilty for disturbing the perfect wrapping. Inside was a beautiful silver shawl that had just a slight sparkle when it hit the light. It was made of high-end cashmere and felt so good to the touch that I immediately wrapped it around my shoulders. "Issy, this is so beautiful. Thank you so much!"She seemed uncomfortable with my gratitude and dismissed it saying, "Well, I know how you love your homey sweaters. I figured this way at least you'd look good all covered up."I gave her a look that said I didn't believe her. Deep down she was much softer than she'd ever want anyone to know. I felt lucky to know her and to have gotten her as a roommate. We spent the rest of the night catching up on what we'd been doing the last few days. I told her about Parker's family and about the ball on New Year's. She became so absorbed in talking about what kind of dress I would wear that I didn't have the heart to tell her I would be shopping at my hometown thrift store for something that would work. I asked what she had been doing, gingerly trying to stay off the topic of Jake, but it was no use. Issy always said what was on her mind. "You totally ruined him, you know,"she stated nonchalantly after giving me intricate details on the last party they went to. "What's that supposed to mean?""He's all sad and brooding, and worse, becoming a total bore. I can't decide which I like least, obsessive, controlling Jake who I could at least get to have fun some of the time, or this one, who sits and sulks the whole time we're out."I was sure she was talking about a different Jake. That behavior was so out of character that it was laughable. Despite my doubts, though, I felt my heart pick up pace at the memory of our goodbye, but quickly pushed it out of my mind. "Maybe it has more to do with Christmas and his mom than me. You seem to forget that he is still dealing with his grief."Issy raised her eyebrows and sat back on the couch. "Believe what you want, Avery, but things between you and Jake are definitely not over...at least on his end. And by the way you are twisting that pillow apart, I'd say they're not so over on your end as well."Her eyes didn't judge, but I felt guilty all the same. The next morning came too quickly, after a fitful night of sleep. My mind wouldn't stop working, turning her words over and over in my head. The long drive to my parent's house didn't help either. I oscillated between feeling drawn to Jake, remembering all the good moments we had, to feeling angry and frustrated that I still couldn't seem to break free of him. I hadn't seen him in days, yet his presence felt stifling. I needed a distraction and decided to hit one of my favorite malls that happened to be just off the interstate. The parking lot was packed, as expected this time of year, but I didn't mind it. I loved walking around the stores at Christmas just window shopping. My mom and sister were big shoppers, so I had lots of practice in these places. I found a pair of earrings for my sister, completing the last gift I had to buy, and walked to the counter to pay for it. As I reached in my wallet to grab my debit card, I found a small envelope with my name on it. Inside was the gift card Issy's dad had given her and a small note. Avery, I know I don't always show you how much I appreciate your friendship, but I do. You are the only person I've ever known that didn't want something from me, either status or money or even Jake. I want you to take this card and buy a beautiful gown for the ball. You should look as perfect on the outside as you are on the inside. Your friend, Issy P.S. If you ever mention this to me, I will deny it! I couldn't stop the tears and excused myself, telling the lady I had changed my mind, and went to find the closest restroom. I pulled myself together and then texted Issy, "Thank you."She replied, "For what?"and I had to smile. I never would have guessed that two people so opposite from each other could end up being great friends but we were. Excitement flooded my stomach as I headed towards Casey's, a store I rarely shopped in due to the outrageous prices of their clothes. They had a large selection of dresses, but most were cut well shorter than I was comfortable with. I finally found a sales rack that displayed some longer dresses-I guess to clear the inventory for spring. It took me only a second to spot the perfect one. It was a strapless, icy-blue silk dress that fell all the way to my ankles. The color was mystifying because it looked white or blue, depending on how exactly the light hit it. Empire cut, the bodice looked almost like a swimsuit top as the material flowed from the back, to over the breast, culminating in a bunching at the cleavage that released a flow of mild ruffles down the front. The effect was breathtaking and made the front of the gown appear layered, while the back still looked sleek and sexy. I cringed, knowing I had to have this dress, but also that it would probably cost a small fortune. I found the tag and slowly turned it over, keeping one eye closed as I looked. It was on sale for $ 299. My breath caught and I almost let out an audible scream. It was perfect! The purchase of my dress changed the entire mood of my long drive home. Instead of thinking about Jake, I sang at the top of my lungs like Issy and just enjoyed every song I heard. Parker called when I had two hours left, and we chatted the rest of the way. He was already back at his parents'house and made me blush when he said that it was the first time in his life it felt a little empty, all because I wasn't there. He told me that his parents adored me and couldn't wait to have me come visit again. It made me feel so good that people as wonderful as Frank and Amy would enjoy my being there. However, despite the wonderful conversation and the gold mine I found at the mall, my stomach knotted tighter and tighter as I got closer to my hometown. I pulled into my driveway, feeling a sense of dread as I looked up at my childhood home. Everything about it screamed middle class, from the one story brick façade that matched every other house on the block, to the SUV parked in the driveway. I never minded that our family was average in every sense of the word, but I knew it always bothered my mom, and she had spent years and years trying to "keep up with the Jones'."I took a deep breath before getting out of the car. The moment I hated most was about to come. My mom would give me a big hug, look me up and down, and would do one of two things. She would either comment that I had lost weight or would not say anything at all and give me a sad look. It was like she had a weight radar. If she thought I had gained weight, she would quickly mention how she and my sister were exercising in the morning and that I should go with them. I weighed this morning, just to prepare myself for what was coming. I was three pounds heavier than the last time I was at my parents'house, which normally would have put me in a shame spiral right to the kitchen, but, to my good fortune, Issy was still home, and I had managed to get out of the apartment without an episode. I grabbed my suitcase and walked in the front door with a smile plastered on my face. "Happy"was really the only emotion allowed in this place. My small cocker spaniel was the first to greet me at the door. She wagged her tail and waited for me to give her all the attention she was craving. My mom was next. She came in for a big hug and then held me back so she could check me out. I cringed as she stepped back, making room for my dad, not saying a word. My dad gave me his usual stiff hug and patted me on the back. He was relatively uncomfortable with affection, and that was really all he could manage. It was no question whom I favored. I not only looked like my dad, but had so many of his personality traits that my mom would often joke that she was simply a vessel. My dad took my bag and put it in my room. It still looked the same as it did in high school-cream-colored walls with purple curtains. My double bed had a purple comforter with soft cream flowers on it, and while it felt familiar, it struck me how much my taste had changed in such a short period of time. I also couldn't help but think of Issy's reaction if she saw my room. The teasing would never cease! I joined my parents in the kitchen and went to the refrigerator to get a drink. I opted for a coke over the bottled water and immediately noticed my mother's disapproving stare as I drank it. I hated it when she monitored what I ate and drank. It was like she scrutinized every piece of food that went in my mouth. I could feel the anxiety start to hit my stomach, and I silently did breathing exercises to get it under control. "Melissa and I are going to do a Zumba class in the morning tomorrow. You should come with us. She's been so excited to see you,"my mom said as pleasantly as she could, trying to hide the deeper meaning in her words. It reminded me of junior high when she would force me to run with her every morning, promising it would help get the weight off. My being overweight bothered her much more than it ever bothered me at that point, but I went anyway, wanting nothing more than to please my mother. "Sure,"I answered nonchalantly. "Sounds fun.""Melissa is really doing well at her new job. She just got promoted to office manager, and her boss never misses the opportunity to rave about how well she is doing."In my head I screamed, Neither do you, but instead, I just smiled and managed, "That's wonderful."My sister had gone to a local community college after school and got an associates in business. She'd been working for a small sports retailer in our town, and I guess had been doing a lot to improve their sales. We had never really been close. My parents had fostered a spirit of competition between us that ruined any chance of a real relationship. "How is school going?"she continued while cleaning the already perfect kitchen. I wrinkled my nose, not wanting to answer, but figured I should go ahead and get it over with now since I was going to have to ask them for money anyway. "Well, Mom, it was kind of a rough semester. I'm going to have to retake a class."My dad suddenly became part of the conversation and put down the paper he had been reading. "Does it affect your scholarship?"Leave it to my dad to get right to the point. "No, I'll still be on scholarship next semester, but I will have to pay for this class. It's not a big deal. I've got money saved from this summer, and I'm going to see if I can pick up some shifts over Christmas. I may need to borrow $ 500 or less, but I will pay you back, I promise."As soon as the words were finished, I was relieved to have them out of me. I knew I disappointed them, but at least I could deal with it all now and be done with it. My mom immediately excused herself, saying my father would take care of all of that. I watched her leave, wondering why she even asked when she so obviously only wanted one answer. My father gave a long sigh and said, "Avery, that money was for your living expenses. How are you planning to eat next year without any spending money?""I'll be fine, Dad. It doesn't take much for me to live on. I've really worked it all out, I promise."I tried to sound reassuring, not wanting to cause any more stress than I already had. "Well, just let me know what you are short. We'll take care of it.""Thanks. I'm really sorry."Regret was more than apparent in my voice. "Me too. I expected more from you than this, Avery. You're supposed to be my smart one."He went back to the paper, signifying the end of our conversation. I felt about two inches high. My parents had always put me and my sister into two categories, the smart one and the pretty one. I guess I wasn't holding up my end. I held in the tears until I got to my room and then lay on my bed, letting them flow freely. I hated being a failure. Hated disappointing everyone. I started to feel trapped in the room that I had called home for eighteen years and decided to go visit Cara. We hadn't spoken in months, and I was dying to see her. I walked down the street to her mom's house. Her parents had divorced when we were in the fifth grade, but her mom never remarried. I knocked on the door, nervous and excited at the same time to reconnect with her and was joyfully greeted by her mom, who welcomed me in. "Avery, it's so good to see you, dear! It's been way too long,""Hi, Ms. Andrews. It's good to see you, too. Is Cara back yet?"I asked, looking around. "Oh no, dear. Cara isn't coming home this year. She and her fiancé are going to his parents'house for the holiday."I stood in stunned silence. Cara was engaged? She never even told me she was dating anyone. "Wow, I didn't realize she was engaged. Did it happen recently?""He did it at Thanksgiving. They came here to spend it with me, and he asked her in front of all of us. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen."I couldn't believe it. Had we really grown that far apart? I said my goodbyes to Cara's mom and slowly walked home. Telling her my secret had changed everything. She tried to be there for me, and I obviously couldn't handle her knowing. I had succeeded in pushing her away, the one person who ever held me accountable for my actions. I felt the weight of the loss on my shoulders-knowing deep down it was all my fault. I got back to my house, and it was as if the school conversation had never even come up. My mom was back to being pleasant, and my dad was fully engaged in his paper. I put a smile on my face to match and pretended right alongside them for the rest of the week.