Shattered Rose

8. PUSHING LIMITS

"Lord, I know Satan is like a roaring lion, waiting for someone to devour. I pray you protect her from those who will harm her..."

The night was serene and slightly cool, with just a light breeze. I was living out the perfect romance movie when Jake came to pick me up. He looked totally dapper in tan pants and a fitted V-necked sweater. I settled on an Audrey Hepburn look, classy yet sexy, sporting a fitted black dress with a thin belt around the waist. The dress fit my body well. I ran my hands over any area that felt soft and tried not to fidget. His reaction melted my heart and made my confidence soar. He grabbed me by the waist, pulled me close and kissed me on my neck. "You look perfect."We had dinner reservations at an Italian restaurant in Asheville that came complete with beautiful music and candlelight. The food was delicious, although I did more picking than eating. Jake and I made small talk all through dinner, mostly sharing funny Issy stories. The mood was relaxed and lighthearted. I looked at him from across the table. I had only known him a few weeks, but in that time he had taken residency in my thoughts and heart in such a way I didn't know how I could live without him. I wanted him to feel the same way, where he would talk to me and confide in me. I longed for the closeness. "I realized when I was getting ready tonight that I don't really know anything about you. Not even what you want to do when you graduate,"I said, hoping to seize the opportunity. The past few weeks together had been less about talking and more about making out and sneaking around. Jake smiled flirtatiously, as if reading my thoughts, and settled back into his seat. "I'm hoping to get into stock trading, maybe even dabble a little in international stocks."My brow furrowed. I hadn't expected that answer. "Why the look?""I'm just surprised that a guy who labels himself as the ultimate caretaker wants to get into such a cut-throat business."He placed his hand on the table, his words rushed. "But that's exactly why stocks appeal to me. The business is all about making money. The more selfish you are, the better. It's a nice change.""I guess I didn't realize that you didn't like doing it."I couldn't figure out why that disappointed me. "Taking care of people?"I nodded. "It's not that I don't like it. I mean, with my mom and Issy, I wouldn't want anyone else doing it. But sometimes I just feel, well, trapped."His words hung in the air, leaving us in awkward silence until the waitress came and filled our glasses. "Is this your idea of light dinner conversation?"He had humor in his voice, but I changed the subject anyway. I wanted our night to be perfect. "Issy said you are in a fraternity. Do you like it?""Was in a fraternity, not anymore.""Why not?""I grew up. I mean, I just kind of got my priorities straight this summer and realized I had to focus and finish school. My mom never even graduated from high school. She got pregnant with me and did what she had to in order to survive."He didn't mention his dad, so I assumed he was out of the picture. "Your grandparents didn't help?""They were pretty old when my mom was born. She was a surprise, so by that time, they really weren't able to help that much. Mom wasn't really the type to ask anyway; she was pretty self-reliant, felt she could do it on her own. I guess I know who I get that from, right?"He was trying to lighten the mood, bring us back to that playfulness we had earlier, but my heart felt too heavy. I had to say something. "Issy told me she passed away this summer. I'm really sorry. She sounds like a wonderful woman."I was cautious as I spoke, wanting to convey my compassion, but not wanting him to feel like I was overstepping some imaginary boundary. "Thanks. Yeah...not the best three months of my life."He moved around the remnants of food on his plate, and I reached over to squeeze his hand. Haunted eyes met mine. "Why do I feel like I'm bearing my soul every time we talk?"My pulse quickened. "I want you to. I like listening to you."He leaned up on the table, closing the distance between us. "I think we need to do more kissing and less talking."I followed his lead, putting less than an inch between our faces. "Maybe it's time you were with someone who could do both."Something flashed in his eyes before he kissed me, and I wondered if he felt it too. Love. He pulled away and my eyes searched his. Nothing. Just the return of Jake's relaxed, nonchalant demeanor. "You have gorgeous eyes."he said casually, still staring at me. "They are so light they look like blue ice crystals. I've never seen anything like it."I blushed and turned away. "They're too big for my face."He lifted my chin back, his eyes like lasers into mine. "They're beautiful."My breath hitched. Everything around me became a blurred mess except Jake. "We should get out of here before my thoughts get us in trouble,"he whispered. "Besides, I want to show you where I live."He grabbed the check, and I stood up and followed him out, excited, but nervous to be alone with him in his apartment. Jake lived in a studio apartment only two blocks from the restaurant. The décor was pretty modern, and I knew without asking that Issy had been involved in the decorating. The only piece of furniture that looked like Jake was a long, soft leather sofa that nuzzled around me when I sat on it. I glanced up and saw a staircase leading to a small bedroom loft. My stomach tumbled. I had no idea what to do in this situation. I had never been in a guy's apartment alone before, and had never gone further than kissing. I felt completely out of place, putting my hands in my lap to try and settle the shaking. Jake grabbed us a few drinks out of the kitchen and turned on the TV. A basketball game filled the screen. Jake hit mute, but the blood pumping in my ears was deafening. He slid behind me on the couch, tucking me between his thighs and against his chest. "You're so tense,"he said, rubbing my shoulders. "Sorry, I'm just not used to being so alone with you. In my apartment, there was always the thought of Issy walking in to hold us accountable."He started moving my hair and kissing the back of my neck. "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."He continued to move up my jaw line to my ear. Every nerve ending in my body was on fire, and I was acutely aware that his free hand rested on my exposed thigh. My breath came out in labored puffs. "That will become a very short list if you keep kissing me like that.""You promise?"His words were so soft they could have been the whisper of butterflies, and his touch so tender that I wondered how anyone could have such gentle lips. He started to unzip the back of my dress and I froze, completely terrified. The zipper suddenly went back up and Jake chuckled, making me feel like a frigid school girl. "I'm sorry.""Don't apologize. I love your innocence."He stroked my arm. "You don't see that much anymore."I turned around and kissed him with all the desire welling up in me. He let me drive the moment, continuing to be a total gentleman. When I wanted to stop, he just held me close while we talked for hours. I knew right then that he was all I wanted, in every sense my match. I also knew without question that I was completely in love. Jake became the perfect boyfriend after our dinner date. Even Issy noticed his devotion and stopped giving me the warning speeches each morning. He'd call or come by every night, and we'd talk for hours about anything or nothing. It didn't matter. Mostly we'd talk about school or his internship. But sometimes, on rare occasions, he'd open up about his past. With every new insight, I fell harder and harder. "I found my father, you know,"he said, stroking my arm one night while we were lying in my bed. "My mom didn't think I knew who he was, but the town she lived in wasn't that big, and it's amazing what's on the Internet.""Did you speak to him?"I asked cautiously. Jake always clammed up when I pushed too hard. "No. He was living in Atlanta, working for a media-marketing firm. I had decided I would confront him; force him to deal with what he did to my mom. I told Issy we were going on a road trip, and we drove all night. I parked outside his office building and watched people go in for two hours, wondering with each passing figure if it was him.""What happened?""Nothing. I left and haven't been back."He was staring at the ceiling, his eyes lost in a world I couldn't see. I had learned with Jake that there were only two options when he talked about his past, stay quiet or say something witty. If I said anything serious, he would immediately shut down and change the subject. I chose wit. "Issy really let you sit there for two hours? I didn't know she sat still that long."Jake smiled and kissed my nose. "It was six in the morning when we got there. She was still asleep. She woke up two hours later and insisted on breakfast. If not, I might have stayed all day. I just want to know how he could walk away and never once think to check on her. But something wouldn't let me out of that car."He was lost again in the past, watching the scenes in real time on my ceiling. I stroked his face, trying to offer comfort. He turned to his side and pulled me close, kissing me softly at first, but then with growing intensity. Jake had been sleeping over a lot lately, and each night we seemed to go farther and farther physically. He made me lose my senses and question every boundary I had set on intimacy. He was especially aggressive tonight, moving his hands all over me. My mind was at war with itself. I wanted to succumb to the sensations, but I had always pictured myself waiting until I was married. I wanted my first time to mean something. I loved him. I knew that, even though I hadn't told him yet. He was my everything. Jake started to unbutton my shirt. "Jake, I don't know...""Shhh, just for a little while. I want to feel close to you."He kissed my neck and mouth with pure hunger, and I felt hypnotized. I started to question why I was even waiting. Most girls my age had gone this far with a guy many times. Jake stopped kissing me, and we locked gazes, each saying all we needed to with one look. He gently touched my face and whispered, "You're so beautiful, Avery."His eyes penetrated mine, and I was so enthralled by his sincerity that I allowed him full access to my body and soul. I knew in that moment I wanted him to be my first and my last. I responded to every one of his touches, and Jake immediately sensed my wavering. He hesitated for just a second. "Are you sure?"My body was on fire, and I had no ability to resist. "Yes,"I answered, breathless. "I'm ready." He leaned back in, his mouth consuming mine, and no more words were spoken. Jake was still asleep as I studied him. He looked serene and beautiful. I softly ran my fingers through his hair, feeling that our souls were now connected. Last night wasn't exactly what I'd expected. Jake was careful and soft, and when I looked at him, everything else seemed to disappear. But the euphoric, out of body experience I had been promised in books and movies wasn't there, and sometimes it even felt painful. I pushed those thoughts aside and focused instead on how much I loved the man in my bed. He was warm and caring and made me feel like I was special. As if he knew I was thinking of him, he opened his sleepy eyes and looked at me. "Hi,"he said with a slight grin. "Hi,"I whispered back, my stomach in knots. "Are you okay?"he moved a piece of hair off my cheek. "I'm fine."His eyebrows peaked. "More than fine,"I corrected, laughing. He drew me into a bear hug and kissed me hard before getting up. He walked around the room picking up his clothes, and I turned my head, embarrassed at his exposure. Insecurity gnawed at me. "Do you want breakfast?""No, baby, I wish I could, but I have to get home. Big test tomorrow."He got dressed like a man running from the law. I tried to settle the growing uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. "I'll call you later."He gave me one final kiss and was out the door. I stumbled into the bathroom, still in shock over what had just happened.