James: The Miracle Within My Mistake

|Chapter 4|

The day you met him, so many emotions ran through me. Fear for you to come, fear to face you again. I feared so much that day, but I felt so much joy when I saw my boy in his father's arms, reunited at last.

Shai's POV
I pace in the living room, probably wearing out the carpet beneath my feet. I'm waiting for Theo to arrive, waiting for the clock to strike one. James is ready and playing with blocks in his room. Unaware that any of this is going on, unaware that he's finally going to get to meet his father for the first time.

Taking deep relaxing breaths, I try to get the fears and worst things that could possibly happen out of my head. But all I can think is how am I going to face him? How am I going to when I'm looking right at him, not just hearing him over the phone.

I have to keep wiping my palms against my jeans, as they continue to get clammy and sweaty. The nerves beginning to make my hands shake, and my heart speed up as well. Feeling as if it'll beat out of my chest.

James stood again this morning while I was trying to get him dressed. He still can't crawl, which just confuses me. But standing's good... and I owe it to Theo.

The door bell buzzes, breaking me out of my daze. I walk to the door and open it carefully and cautiously. Theo stands on the other side, hands in his jean pockets and wearing a white shirt and black jacket over it.

"Shai." He says first and nods to me.  

"Theo." I say and this is all so different from calling him up like I did last night. The feel of pain, guilt, betrayal all coming back and drowning me. 

I let him come in, and I close the door. "He's upstairs playing." I say and we walk up my stairs, turning left to James's room. I take a deep breath as I push his door open, knowing that this is the moment.

Theo takes a quick look at the room, until his eyes land on his son who's playing with toys in his crib. Theo doesn't move from his spot in the door way, whereas I'm already over by James.

"You can come in." I tell him, as he stands almost looking nervous.

Theo walks in, at more of a crawl. He finally makes it over to me and looks down at his son who's still sitting up and banging blocks together.

"Wow." Theo breathes out. "He's actually my son." He adds.

He stares at James for a moment, and I let him.

"Yeah... he is." I say out loud.

"He's lovely Shai." "He really is." I say back in a whisper tone. 

"You really think he looks like me?" Theo asks, staring down at his son.

He doesn't even have to say the words, the expression on his face and the hint of something in his voice tips it off. He loves James, knowing him for only a few short moments doesn't matter. He loves him, anyone would be able to see that.

"Yes. Very much so." I tell Theo.

"Would you like to hold him?" I ask Theo gently- almost like a butterfly, not wanting to scare him away.

"Yes." He says in a single word.

I pick James up and set him in Theo's arm. He knows how to carry a child like James, since he has nephews and nieces... but this time it's different. It's his own child this time. Holding your own flesh and blood is different than any other feeling in the world.

"Hi Buddy." He whispers and lightly plays with James's hand with the arm that isn't holding him against his hip and chest.

James just gazes up at him. It could be wonder... it could be curiosity. Or maybe it's just love.

<><><><><>

"Thank you. For letting me see him." Theo says as we walk down the stairs, and into the front room.

"He's your son, I wouldn't have kept him from seeing you." I say and close my eyes right as the words enter the air. Knowing that that's a sore spot-- a broken spot.

"I didn't mean that... I just.."

"I would've been there!" Theo yells all of a sudden, making my eyes flash open, and jump at his sudden outburst. His back is facing me now, as he's moved farther away from me. The betrayal pushing him beyond me.

"I would've came here and been with you if you had just told me." He says, his voice still raised. The pain that I can see in his eyes, overwhelm me.

"I would've been by your side, no matter how long it took. No matter who I was with." Theo says and walks over to me as his voice begins to soften.

"I missed his birth, my own son's birth. Shailene, I would've been there." Theo say and he's now holding onto my wrists lightly. Our faces inches away, but his eyes directed at the floor.

"I'm sorry." I choke out through a sob, not being able to contain myself any longer.

That's when he looks up at me, when tears are swimming in my eyes and releasing down my face.

"I'm so sorry." I say and it feels like my body is shutting down. All the pain I've put not only myself through but the pain I've inflicted on Theo burying me whole. All the regret and guilt pushing a knife through my heart and cutting at my soul.

"Hey." Theo says sending a bit of light into my darkening hour. I look into his eyes, the burn of mine extinguishing with the coolness of his.

"I forgive you." And those three words make me fall into him, and wrap my arms around his neck.

"I love you." And those three words make me cry harder into his chest.

I can feel his arms wrapping around me, holding me tightly not letting me go.

I've been forgiven... I've been loved.