James: The Miracle Within My Mistake

|Chapter 9|

They embraced me like a real family, and was taken by James first thing. I guess all my fears and worries now look stupid. Because they didn't judge me, they didn't think of me differently. They thought of me the way I wanted to be seen by them, their son's girlfriend, and their grandson's mother.

Shai's POV

"Would you stop. There's not going to be a rug if you keep pacing like that babe." Theo tells me. I look up, and see him holding James- who is wearing a cute little red sweater and khaki pants, with matching red socks.

I'm wearing a flowy navy dress and a long, long-sleeved cream sweater, with shiny navy heels.

"Sorry, I just can't help it." I say, biting my lip and taking a seat on the couch.

"I know you're nervous, but you shouldn't be. It's going to be fine, I'm promising you that it will be." Theo says, bending down to my level and looking me in my eyes.

"Alright." I say taking in a deep breath, and letting it out.

It's been a week and a half, and today Theo's parents are coming over.

"Doesn't he look so handsome?" Theo says, tickling James and making him giggle.

"He does." I agree, standing up and walking over to see James.

"You got this when you want shopping?" I ask.

"Yes we did." Theo answers and I smile. Theo's wearing a simple black sweater-which matches James's- and blue jeans.

"So you're not at all nervous?" I ask Theo, and he turns to me and gives me a look.

"Shai, maybe you should start drinking if you're this nervous." He jokes and I shake my head.

"It's ten in the morning." I snap.

"I was joking, and no. I'm not nervous, because I know that this is going to go well." Theo explains.

"How can you be like this? So collected and calm, with no nerves!? I'm over here freaking the hell out, and I--"

"That's why you need to sit. And calm down." Theo tells me, pushing me to go back over to the couch.

Sitting down I rest my elbows on my knees, and place my face in the palms of my hands. Getting myself to breathe in and out deep breaths.

The door bell rings and my head shoots up, "Oh god!" I exclaim as I begin to hyperventilate again.

"Here. Take James, and stand here. And please," Theo says as he walks to the door, looking over his shoulder at me.

"Slow down your breathing. Because the last thing we need right now is you passing out." He tells me, and I look down at James. He just looks up at me as I hold him, unaware in my arms.

Staring down at James, I try to loose myself. Let go of the nerves and fear.

"Theodore!! It's so good to see you darling." I hear a woman's voice enter the house, and all the calmness I had is now gone.

I turn to see an older couple walk into our home, and I bring myself to walk over.

"Shailene!!" Jane says, and her excitement confuses me for a moment.

"Hi Jane." I say smiling at her. "Hi Phillip." I say greeting Theo's father as well.

"How are you Shailene?" He asks, as Theo closes the front door.

"I'm good. How are you both?" I ask, reciprocating the kindness.

"We're well! And this handsome little boy must be James." Jane gushes as we go to sit on the couch and chairs in the living room.

I smile softly, "Yes it is."

Theo sits beside me, rubbing his hand up and down my back- soothing the nerves away.

"He looks so much like Theo." Phillip comments, leaning forward in the chair.

"That's what I thought the moment I saw him, I think that's how I choose his name." I tell them, watching their smiles grow.

"God. He looks so much like him." I say out loud, moving the blanket they wrapped him in, to see his face better. His eyes holding the same shade of brown, and his lips looking identical to the one's I once kissed- just smaller.

For a little one, he has a bit of hair. Not much, but enough to know that they're the same chocolate curls that he shares with his father.

"He sure does." My mother says, looking over my shoulder at my beautiful new born son.

Looking down at him, all I can think about is how much I want Theo in this moment. How much I want him here to see what I see right now... how absolutely precious his son is.

"Would you like to hold him?" Theo asks breaking my thoughts. His voice rumbling through my body a bit due to how close we are at the current moment.

I get up and hand my son over to his grandparents, and sit back down beside Theo.

I watch as they hold and laugh with this little boy. Connecting and loving him instantly. The guild piles up again. I thought it was all gone, and maybe that's the thing. What I hid, what I kept a secret... there's always going to be guilt. It will forever be a soft spot, and I can't change that.

But what I feel right now in this moment, the thoughts that are making me want to throw up... I can change. I can try with all my might to get rid of.

"I'm sorry." I say, my voice feeling like it echoes off the walls in this room.

Jane and Phillip look up, their eyes showing a look of confusion and stunned by my choice of words.

Theo looks down at me with the look of 'what are you doing?' written across his face, but trust me... I knw what I'm doing. This is what I need to do.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for keeping him a secret, for not telling Theo. And keeping your grandson away from you like I did." I say, and for once... I don't feel tears wanting to come out. Perhaps I've run out.

"Oh honey." Jane begins, and Phillip takes hold of James for her.

"You don't need to apologize. We understand why you did what you did, and we're not angry. Theo was angry, and told us all about it. But we were never angry at you." She tries to explain.

"You weren't?" I ask astonished by how this is going. Theo grabs my hand, his thumb skimming back and forth over my warm skin.

"No dear, we know what you did was not because you were just selfishly thinking for yourself. You thought of James and Theo first. We know that." Jane says and I nod.

"Thank you." I whisper and feel Theo kiss the back of my neck softly. As if to tell me... "I told you it would all be fine. I told you that it would all be fine."

And he was right. All the nerves, all the fears were for nothing in the end.