Blinded by love

Chapter 20-Regrets

I packed all my clothes in the suitcase I had and went to bed.But anxiety and guilt wouldn't let me sleep.Meghna cares for me and thinks of me as her own sister.That's all so sweet and nice but the fact that she is willing to give her whole future for me is not really wonderful to hear.No,it does not give me tears of joy.It does not give me immense joy that a person out there is willing to sacrifice her whole,perfectly awesome life for a messed up human like me.It gives me guilt.It makes me feel ashamed of myself for not just spoiling my life but also another girl's.I wish I had given a second thought about Meghna's question the other day.But I was so sure back then.It just felt right to be with him,to lie on his shoulders and hear his heartbeat.But here I am,sorry about me and my useless life.Had I been more thoughtful,I wouldn't have ruined both of our lives.Never in my life have I thought that I'm a burden to anyone,until now.

Tears streamed down the corner of my eyes.Hugging the pillow close to myself,I sobbed.I wish I were never born.I wanna die,right here,right now.My death would be a pain just to me but my survival is a pain to everyone around me.

"Your death won't be a pain just to you,girl,not anymore",a voice inside me said.

I sat upright on my bed and thought about it.I then realized that my conscience was reminding me about the child I bear now.I walked to the full length mirror on the cupboard and looked at myself.I looked pale and thin.Dark circles have made a permanent mark under my eyes.I gazed down at my stomach and gently stroked it.I could imagine the tiny creature jerking by the sudden touch.Smiling,I said,"I'll live for you."

I went back to the bed and dozed off to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of pouring rain.Walking to the window,I stood there staring at the heavy pour.It looked beautiful outside.The plants got a gorgeous glow which matched the dark clouds perfectly.People ran to shops for shelter and some had their umbrellas and walked ahead,enjoying the rain.

"Morning.Are you ready?"

It was Meghna standing in the doorway,fully dressed and set to go.Never have I seen a person who would be so enthusiastic to let their life go to trash.

"Gimme twenty minutes,I'll be ready."

I took a hot shower and got dressed in a few minutes.As we walked out ,I took a last look at the house.I'm gonna miss it.It holds a lot of memories for me,really wonderful ones.Ones that would give me immense happiness and an instant smile.

"Meghna,are you sure about this?"

I wanted to give her a chance to take back her promise.She need not have to do this for me.

"I'm sure.As sure as I've always been.",she said and smiled.

The smile reached her eyes.I could see that she really wanted to do this.

A cab waited downstairs and we placed our luggage in the boot and got into the car.

I sat staring out of the window while Meghna was busy enjoying her music.She didn't seem to have the slightest care in this world?Does she even understand what she is doing?I mean,we are now driving to God-knows-where!Where are we gonna live?What are we gonna do for a living?She looks like as if she is going out for a picnic.There was no point in asking her anymore questions about where we were going cause I know she won't say.

We drove in silence for a few hours.Meghna fell asleep but I was still staring out of the window,trying to figure where I had gone wrong in my relationship.Why did Virat agree to marry another girl?It was all going so well between the two of us.When I used to hear Jenny say that we make the perfect couple,I couldn't be more happier.I can still feel him creep up behind me and give me a bear hug.I used to feel so safe and destined as I lay on his chest.I wanna feel that again...just once!

Tears filled my eyes but I wiped them away.I ought to be strong.Not so sensitive,not so broken and fragile.I need to be myself.The same old Aarthi,bold and brave,ready to face the world no matter how many challenges it throws.I've told that to me many times in the past two days but I just can't find myself.

I plugged my earphone and began to hear some songs,unable to bear this emotional frailty.After what seemed like ages,I began to sing along with it.The last time I sang,like really sang was about a year back.After that,I was so busy with the boards and enjoying my holidays that I totally forgot about singing.I usually sing when I'm either too happy or too sad.But now,I'm singing to find peace.I'm neither happy nor sad.Its like as if I've lost the ability to feel anything.I feel numb,detached to the surroundings and uninterested in everything.All I can think of is Virat and our times together.No matter what I begin to think or do,my mind keeps wandering back to the same old thing.

"Aarthi.....",Meghna shook me back to the real world.

I stopped singing and turned to her.

"That....was wonderful!",she said.

At first,I swear I didn't understand what she was talking about.It took me a minute to realize that she was talking about my singing.

"Thanks."

"Its not just about thanks,I really meant it.You sound fabulous.I didn't know you could sing so well."

"Well,neither did I."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that no one has told me that.Actually,no one has heard me sing at all.I used to sing when I was alone at home."

"Oh,but Aarthi.Trust me.You have an amazing voice.You didn't really have to strain yourself to sing.It came in ease.It was so perfect,so sweet."

I smiled,really happy to hear a compliment for something different.

"Can you sing that song for me again?"

I nodded and played that song in the speaker and began to sing along with it.It was a song from Guru,a wonderful melody.I opened my eyes once I finished the song and felt my heart being light as a feather.

Meghna stared at me wide eyed and shook her heard in disbelief.

"That was....I have no words to say.You have that feel in your voice.You add so much emotion to the lyrics.Have you taken any music classes?"

"No.I just randomly sing along with the songs I like and just happened to hear so much fawning for my voice.Maybe you are doing this cause I'm....not myself?"

"Oh no,come on.Its not that,really.I swear,you were really awesome.Like,really!"

She asked me to sing a few more songs and I sang the song that I knew.We then began to read a book each and the time fled by.I totally forgot about the question of where we were now going.After a few more hours of driving,it struck me back again.Its been almost six hours since we began to drive from Meghna's house and we still haven't reached our destination.It means we are going somewhere so far?

"Meghna,where are we going?"

She looked up from her book and a smile crept from the corner of her lips.She kept silent for a few more seconds and then said,"Guess?"

"How will I know.I hardly know a part of North India."

"Fine,then wait for us to reach the place."

"Not for so long.Looks like we are gonna spend all our life driving around."

She stared at me for sometime,seriously deciding whether to tell me or not.After more arguments,she finally said it out.

"OK,fine.We are going to a place called Tarkarli."

"Tarkarli?Where is it?"

"Ten hours from our place."

Ten hours?That's a long drive....But why are we going there?Does she know anyone there?

A million questions piled one after the other but I simply can't ask that out loud cause I'm not gonna get anymore information from her.