Fading (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction; Sequel to Pretending)

Chapter 38: The Other Her

Author's note: This is about Chapter 35

My fingers started feeling numb as I hold my beer tighter than I should. I keep breathing the ocean breeze in and out to keep myself calm as I let both of my feet take me where it would lead me. I know I could have just stayed around the fire we made, but something suddenly started feeling so wrong that I needed to take myself away. Everything started being in so much tension the moment she started walking away, especially him. Especially him. After that, he just became very quite, and I don't even know why. Or maybe I do. I'm just too scared to admit to myself about the fact that I know why she walked away, and he became suddenly so silent.

I know, because I found out.

And I know, because it was all my fault.

*1 day ago*

It was indeed a great sunny day for all of us to keep celebrating our upcoming tour in two months around the world and having a break like this is honestly a good thing to be celebrating about. I put my sunglasses on as I look around, watching all the people I've been around with for the past eight months, smiling and having fun with whatever they could probably think about. I know before I've felt that I would have such a hard time adjusting with things and people and such, but it didn't turn out to be that difficult because I know I would be able to easily blend in. I was able to find myself within this people that easy, and with those months and days with them, with him, I realized that I have everything and everyone a person could ever ask for. I have a band that I could also call my family, friends that I never really had before, and a person—him. I have them and him in my life.

After a few moments, a huge smile immediately appeared on my face the moment he walked in. He looked so good wearing a white shirt and black shorts, looking serious and all that, making me stare at him this much. I snapped myself out of it, thinking maybe it's time to approach him again after days of not being able to be with him. I mean, I still feel like I still have things to be sure about.

I removed my top, making me wear nothing but my dark green bikini. I didn't really mind if anyone would stare. Let them look. I was never even insecure about my body. I've always been so comfortable showing off my skin like this. I just hope this would make him see me, too.

"Hey!" I approached a little unexpected, making him jump lightly from where he was standing while minding his phone.

"Ke-Keira, hey." Calum stuttered, as his eyes looked up and down in my body.

"You wanna go for a swim? Or maybe just chill down there? I've missed you, what's up?" I talked with such confidence, and I didn't know why and how am I being like this.

"You have to be careful. I mean, you know.  Paps are all over the entire universe and they might take pictures of you and just make fun of it." He stated. I just laughed.

"Let them do their stupid job. Am I not allowed to feel free wearing this?" I raised my shoulders up, somehow feeling like everything is turning out very awkward that I have to come up with something to help me exit for a moment.

"I'm just gonna get back inside." I said. "Do you some sunscreen? I'm gonna get some."

"Yeah, sure." Calum replied.

I don't know what happened but it suddenly made me think that I made him uncomfortable, making me mentally slap myself for that stupid welcome I did around him. I took my top from where my stuff are all placed and put it on, having it all placed just above my knees. I made my way back inside the rest house, thinking if anyone is even still in there, but I didn't care. I'm just gonna get some sunscreen. Why would I even think about so many things?

I was on the process of making my way up to my room when I suddenly heared a sound. Music. A song being sung, to be specific. At first I honestly didn't want to mind it, not at all, but something inside just wanted to keep making my way ahead and find where the song is coming from, and so I did.

A few seconds after, I was lead by my own feet inside a mini studio. My attention was caught a by a black set of drums but immediately got stolen by a silent singing voice, coming inside the recording room. I didn't even understand myself why I keep on trying to keep every silent but I just did. Long story short, I don't want to be seen. So I stayed behind the door, watching the person from every glances I take as I finally get the perfect view of the face.

It was Kristen.

She wasn't just singing. There are tears slowly rolling down her face as she strums the guitar, with her eyes closed as she sings every lyric of the song I probably have never heard of before. I didn't know what exactly how I would feel about this entire scenario, because there are already things that are trying to swim inside my head but I'm trying not to let them win over me. I guess that's what's wrong with me— I hate accepting the reality, even though it's already hitting me right in the face.

"Oh and I'm on my way to—"

She cuts herself off by crying so hard, putting her head down as she hold something around her, probably a necklace. Honestly, I wanted to come inside and ask her what's wrong, but it seemed so hard and so wrong that maybe if I asked her, I know I would be on the process of hurting myself too. So I just watched her secretly behind the door, as she lets go of the necklace to wipe her tears away.

It has a C pendant.

I didn't care if I trip or whatever but after seeing that, I just ran off. I can feel my chest getting heavier than usual that I have to stop somewhere in between to steady my breathing. I can feel that my eyes are starting to be filled with tears, but I quickly wiped it off together with the fear of losing everything I have right now.

"I'm not going to lose everything." I keep telling myself inside. And then I just started crying.

Maybe this is why, even at the very first time we met, Calum was so into fighting for that necklace— this necklace he gave me, that isn't even really mine. Maybe this is why he never wanted to be in a publicity stunt or such, or any kind of mess. Maybe this is why Michael was so mad at him that I heard them talking. Maybe this is why he cried at the stage that night. Maybe this is why he doesn't seem to even like me at all. Maybe this is why he didn't even feel like kissing me. Maybe maybe because he was never even in love with me, just like what I always think. Maybe because he never did forget.

Maybe because it was still her.

All, still her.

*Present Time*

I didn't notice that I was already crying as I think back of all the stupidity I was into. How come I've been so stupid that I didn't even notice it? That I'm to blind to see because I don't even want to. I hated myself for that. I hate that I'm too afraid to face my fears when I have nothing left to do but to face it.

Maybe because I'm just afraid to lose him. I couldn't afford any heartbreak from him, that even though he lies to me, I would just keep on breathing it in. I couldn't even tell him to stop, let alone the fact that I can't even handle seeing him in love with someone else. I want him to be with me, making me his reason in every happiness he would have. I want to be the air he breathes in, the reason why he would scream at the top of his lungs for being so glad to have me in his life. I want to be the girl he would write all of his love songs all about, the girl that would keep him up until 4 am when he needs to get up in an hour. I wanted to be his reason. I wanted to be his everything.

But I know and I am now aware that I could not, and I could never be. Someone already owns him, and even though I could do a lot of things to keep him, I know I should learn how to face my defeat.

I looked for him, then see him sitting just around the fire, drinking his own beer. I took a very deep breath, trying to keep myself together as I make way towards him.

"This has to stop."