Fading (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction; Sequel to Pretending)

Chapter 11: Him

6 weeks before

I put my hands inside the pockets of my sweater as I walk my way down the mall. It wasn't quite far away from the hotel I'm staying at, so I didn't mind walking at all. Plus, I know I could use some fresh air and some time to be alone and no other than myself to clear my head with the stupid things in it. It's been only just a week without her, but it's been really hard and hell living worlds away from her like this. The very least thing that I would do was to keep her away from me, but I don't have any choice. I love Kristen so much, but with this fame and all that shit I got myself into, I have to protect her in all the ways I could. And even though it's hard to admit it, even to myself, the both of us hiding from everyone is the only thing we can ever come up with. We don't have any other choice but to pretend.

It's ten o'clock in the morning, and I really don't why I suddenly came up with the thought of going alone in the mall. I know I can always take Ashton with me, but I feel so off and unfocused at everything since then. I feel like I have to be alone at all times and just think, and find out what really my mind wants. I don't want to think about her but that's probably never going to happen, so it's just getting hard. Every single day that passes by, things get harder and harder for me to stay away from her. It's not easy waking up every morning knowing that we live in different continents and not having the same timezone. It's not easy that I'm not being able to know what's going on about her right now. It's just really hard for me. I don't ever want to give this up, whatever I have in my hands, because I know ever since then, this has always been a dream of mine. I have always wanted to be known, to be heard, and now it's all happening and I couldn't ask for more than of all this. I am living the dream, I should say. Everyday, our names are being passed to each and other person, including our music and everything we worked hard on. This is all I ever wanted, and at the same time, it hurts to admit that this certain thing that makes me happy, is the exact same reason why I feel so empty and so alone deep inside. I miss her so much, and I don't even know how I'll be able to explain the feeling of not being able to see her around. Things are changing and it's not the same anymore, because I always have to make it look like that the two of us don't exist, like I don't know her, or even know that she exists. I don't ever want to hurt Kristen, but it's always making me speechless whenever the fate comes invading in and make me choose between the important things in my life. I am tragically torn in two, and no one knows about this other than myself.

After a few moments of getting myself my own stuff that included nothing but a pair of new black skinny jeans and a beanie, a smile immediately formed into my lips as the thought of getting something for Kristen popped out of my mind. I'm lucky enough that there weren't any fans or paps around, so I have all the time to look and choose for whatever I want to give her. I am known for being a sucker for giving gifts, especially to the person I love the most, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right? Maybe even if I send her six packs of tissue rolls and strawberry flavored candies, she would still probably be happy about it. She loves me way too much, I know. One time I she went home from work to a box of an iPhone 6 on her table, and when she opened it, she screamed so loud. Maybe because I placed a tiny squirrel inside. She drove her way into my house wearing her pajamas just to punch me on the stomach, then told me how much she loves me from being such an asshole. I miss those weird but fun times with her. I wish I could send a box full of squirrels all the way from Los Angeles though.

For the past hour of me walking around the mall, I finally got Kristen something that would really make her happy. I got her one of those cute polaroid cameras, because I know how much she loves to take pictures no matter where she is. She doesn't really like it when I buy her stuff, which I don't really understand because it's really all good and alright with me, but it made me love her even more. But yeah, this is my choice and I love making her happy in all the possible ways I could so I got her this. I just don't know when I'll be able to give her this, maybe I'll just wait for me to get back home.