Fading (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction; Sequel to Pretending)

Chapter 9: Her

5 weeks after

My tired eyes shot open quickly the moment I felt a weird sensation happening inside my stomach. Right then, I knew, I need to at least eat fill my stomach up with something. I searched for my phone somewhere around me, and I was quite surprised to find out that it's half past one o'clock in the morning. I wasn't sure about what time I fell asleep, because I knew that moment, I wasn't even planning to sleep yet. My head is spinning and so I tried to sleep again, but my mind doesn't even want to anymore. I suppose that this is the hardest part for me. I'm alwasy trying to fight, but what makes it worse is that knowing that I'm fighting my own battles with no one but myself.

I've been a terrible mess. I haven't been to work for a week, or even just try to see someone, or even talk to anyone. I barely get much sleep, and eating had been such a hard task for me to do now. I haven't done anything specifically for seven days straight, yet I feel so done and so tired that all I ever want to do it just sleep, just to get rid of all the thoughts that has been killing me slowly inside. I can't seem to know what to do, or how would I even start to function in a proper way. It's like I've lost a great part of me, and I know I wouldn't be the same without it. But what hurts the most is that, I can't even find that part anymore. No matter where I go, or what I do, it's gone. It faded, and I don't know what happened.

After a few minutes of trying to calm my senses, I tried so hard to stand up and immediately walked towards my fridge to grab some stuff I need. I know it's bad to take some medicine without even having something yet, but the pain in my head is starting to get uneven that I can't even take it anymore. After popping two pieces of Advil, I grabbed a piece of bread and two bottles of something that seemed to be always a need to fill me up to erase all the bad thoughts away. I absentmindedly grabbed a lying sweater on the floor and started heading out to my car while putting a beanie on my messy bed head. I honestly don't know why I'm doing this, or where I'm heading, but it didn't stop me. I can't really be functional right now, that even my own self can't control the madness and all the sadness that intoxicated me.

After a few minutes of driving, I found myself pulling over at the familiar place that I've always had in my mind. The valley looked so beautiful yet so alone at this hour, and I don't need any other place than this. I took some stuff with me as I went out of my car, and sat down at the ground with a thick blanket that I placed under the tree near the very edge.

I took my camera and started taking shots, somehow slowly falling deeply in love with the city lights all over again. I wanted to keep my mind off of things, but I couldn't seem to fight it all away. I placed my camera back to its bag, and grabbed one of the bottles of brandy that I carried with me. I hate the fact that I am doing this to myself, that I am torturing myself with these kind of things but I can't control it. I became addicted with the intoxication that the alcohol is giving me, that it's making me forget all the pain and all the stupid things in my head even just for a little amount of time.

I closed my eyes at the familiar burning yet satisfying sensation in my throat as I let the fluid flow down inside of me. I placed it on my side and rubbed my temples, and suddenly, a random thought crossed my mind. I started having hesitations and doubts about doing it or not doing it, but somehow, I know I want it. I took out my phone from my pocket and searched for the app, immediately feeling like I have everything in me inside my throat and in my chest. I took a deep breath and gulped down, then pressed the record button.

"Uhm, hi." I started speaking.

"It's two am, and uhm, I'm here at the valley. I don't know why I'm here. Maybe because I can't sleep, or maybe because I just don't feel like staying alone in my bed right now. I'm not sure. Maybe I just really miss you, and that's it. Maybe that's the reason. And I guess I can't say that I'm not even sure anymore."