Fading (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction; Sequel to Pretending)

Chapter 43: Her

The rain began falling harder than I expected as I keep my tired eyes on the road, trying all my might to stay focused on driving my way back home as much as I could. My weak fingers gripped tightly on the steering wheel, my other hand making its way back and forth in between my teeth as I bite my nails off out of stress and nervousness. I keep thinking about how and why did I ever come up with this thing, but right then even the moment I closed my eyes to fall asleep, I knew that I would leave first thing in the morning. I wasn't entirely sure why though. It just keeps on popping up and back inside my head no matter how hard I try to block it out. I thought that if I asked him to stay just like what he did, I would be able to stitch all of my thoughts together. I don't completely understand anything, even my own self. Maybe I'm just plain confused, but something's telling me that I'm not.

I was afraid.

It was hard getting away from his grip. Not only because it was tight— of course it was tight, and I understand why it had to be. It was tight enough even though he was peacefully sleeping, probably dreaming about me looking upon him as he opens his eyes as he wakes up beside me. It was hard to get away because ever since then I have craved every single day for his warm touch against my skin and his warm breath making me aware enough of his presence. I couldn't count how many times I lied to myself that I don't want him near me anymore every time I would catch even just a bit of a glimpse of him, because it will always be a lie to say that I don't want him anymore. I love Calum, and I know that I'll always do. But something just hit me, and for some reasons I started thinking that maybe it's the right thing to do, even if I wasn't entirely sure about it.

My thoughts then shifted to Michael. Of course I knew what he was feeling. Towards Calum, towards everything and towards me. I knew it, and I'm not completely stupid not to even get a hint about it. Maybe I was just scared to admit the truth even just to myself. I was scared because I know that his relationship to Calum mattered most to him and I couldn't just ruin that. I was scared because I didn't want him to get into all the complications I keep on causing everybody, even though I know he was already in it even from the start. I know how much shit I've caused for I've been nothing but a pain in the ass to everyone around me. He's been nothing but the person I could run up to, and sometimes I don't even have to run up to him anymore because basically he's been just always there behind me, watching my every more and making sure I am doing fine. He's been nothing but a loving best friend, maybe in many ways he probably could and I was just pretending that I didn't see it because I was afraid. I was afraid for Michael to get hurt in my own words and will, though I've already figured that it would most likely end up that way.

I just couldn't love him the way I love Calum.

Calum.

I took a deep breath as every details of the last nights memory ran back inside my mind. I could still feel his warm lips against my trembling skin and how he probably tried to keep a memory of how it tasted in his lips. I can clearly recall how those precious three words rolled out of his tongue. How he touched every inch of my body, how trailed his fingers in every detail of my face, and how he tried remembering how I basically felt inside while he didn't have any idea that what he have in his hands that time was a stupid, fragile, indecisive human being who couldn't seem to grab a hold of her thoughts and chose to leave everything behind her when all she wanted to do right now was to stay in his arms and feel him once more.

I hadn't noticed that tears started falling from my eyes again, probably making it swell a lot more than I could imagine. I tried using the disturbing sound of the heavy rain that keeps hitting the windows of my car, but it doesn't seem so very helpful. I can't stop my tears from falling, and I knew by then that I just had to stop and pull over for a moment. I need to calm down.

"I'm so fucking stupid!" I shouted to no one in particular. I gripped tightly on the steering wheel the moment I stopped my car just about the side of the road. The rain keeps getting harder and I tend to make my sobs go with it, making it seem like the sky decided to cry with me too. I buried my head against my hands, my chest getting heavier and my body getting weaker as I couldn't put my self and my thoughts together. I kept crying and shouting, being sure that I wouldn't feel any better any second if those two familiar arms wouldn't be around me soon enough.

Yes, I know I was afraid. Afraid to take another risk again, because I'm just so fucking tired of getting hurt over and over again by the exact same reason all the time but what can I do? I love him. I love him with all of my heart and all of my being that even if I had to give up everything I have just to be with him again, I would do it within a snap. Because no matter how hard it gets, or how much trouble I would get myself into, nothing feels better than being beside him after all I would go through.

I kept my eyes closed as tears kept streaming down my trembling face. With my cold, shaking hands, I reached for my phone at the pocket of my bag on the passenger seat and unhesitatingly dialed the person I know I could never let go of anymore. At the first trial, no one answered. I started thinking that maybe he's ignoring me and probably raging mad for I just left in an instance, replacing my spot beside him with a piece of note. With that thought, I just cried even more. I was already panicking too much, my chest feeling too tight but I still redialed the exact same number again. After what seemed like five rings...

"Kristen?"

Tears streamed a lot more down my face, somehow feeling a bit relieved this time.

"Kristen?" Calum asked through the line. "Hello?"

I was shaking, probably from a mixture of too much panic and happiness.

"Car-Calum! Calum I'm so fucking- oh my god I'm so sorry I don't exactly know what I was thinking I'm so sorry for leaving I'm so sorry I'm sorry baby I'm sorry I was just scared I didn't know what—"

"Kristen calm down!" He shouted through the line, and with his tone it has a hint of happiness behind it. I was still shaking, probably because I'm still in the midst of my sudden panic attack but I know I would somehow be able to control this sooner or later.

"I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry!" I cried a loud. "Please I'm sorry I'm so so sorry please understand I-I wasn't thinking—"

"I know baby, I know." He said, his voice cracking. "Just please take deep breaths and tell me where exactly you are right now."

"I don't- I don't exactly know where I am right now I just really need to-to see you again goddamn it I'm so sorry." I cried even harder, and I don't know if I was getting out this panic attack. "I'm just- I'm gonna come back there o-okay? P-please don't go anywhere."

I know I probably sound very stupid right now, but I couldn't care less about what anyone would think. I don't exactly know but I'm a bit sure that I've only been driving for just about an hour so maybe I'm not too far from the place where Calum is. I took a shaky deep breath, a smile forming in my trembling lips this time as I speak again through the phone.

"I-I'm going back Calum, please just stay there." I said.

"I love you Kristen, I love you so much."He replied.

I smiled, a tear rolling down once again from my eyes as I heard him again saying those words.

"I-I love you, Calum." I said in between my sobs. "I never stopped loving you."

With that, I hung up the phone and started igniting the car, not even minding any single fear or thought inside my head as I turned my way to drive as fast as I could to get back to where I knew my entirety completely belongs.

Then everything just happened within a glimpse.