Occiditur

Seasons of the Heart

"You're home late." Sam announced as I came into the house.

"Oh, Sam, you should have seen it." I smiled as I sweetly kissed her forehead.

"What happened?" She asked plainly.

"Mike has visiting rights for Christian now. And all the guys and me were getting along. And Pete said he may stay on as a Monkee a bit longer!" I explained without taking a breath.

"Micky, that's wonderful." Sam hung her arms around my shoulders.

"Everyone was happy and I couldn't believe it, we were actually getting along." I smiled.

"That's really nice babe." Sammy encouraged me.

She let her arms fall to her side and gave me a peck on the cheek before walking off into the house. I hung up my coat and made my way to the back bedroom.

I cautiously opened the door so I didn't wake Ami. Although she was almost a year old, Ami still slept in the room with Samantha and me. I looked over the edge of her crib and marveled at my peaceful child.

"I love you Sweetie." I whispered into the night.

Ami stirred and then fell back asleep. I smiled and backed away from the crib. From the drawer I extracted a pair of comfortable shorts and laid them on the bed. I pulled them on after having stripped out of my day clothes.

I exited the bedroom and joined Sam in the Livingroom. She was sitting on our love seat, crocheting a pink and yellow blanket, while listening to the late night news.

I sat beside her and watched the television.

"Is that for Ami?" I asked, pointing to blanket.

Samantha nodded. She was concentrating hard on the work she was doing.

"It's a very beautiful blanket." I encouraged.

"Thank you." She said plainly.

I abandoned the feat of talking to her. She was wound up in her work and I didn't have the strength to pull the conversation from her.

The elation from the day had worn off. Even though I had been glad earlier, I was now back in the pit of inexplicable sadness. This was how my down weeks worked; I would go through intervals of happiness and then a few hours after I would be back in the depths of despair.

Unconsciously, I sighed loudly.

"I hate when you do that." Sam sighed as she sped up her crocheting.

"What?" I asked.

"When you make it obvious you're not happy!" Sam explained. "You shove it in my face."

She was yelling at me. I barely even knew why.

"What—Why are you fussing at me?" I asked confused.

Sam hung her head and dropped her work.

"I just..." She took a deep breath. "I just want you to be happy again. When you walked in that door you were elated. But now you're huffing and puffing and I can't stand it!" She objected.

"Well I'm sorry. I can't help it I'm not happy. Don't you think that if I could stop, I would?" I shot back.

"I know." Sam sighed. "And I don't want to fight. I just want to be the same as we used to. Plus, you've never had a spell this long, or this bad, before." Sam leaned into me and I could hear the waver in her voice.

I wrapped my arm around her.

I hadn't thought before that maybe my spirits were contagious. It had been a selfish thing for me to walk around moping when my family needed me. I shouldn't have allowed her to see how sad I was. Sam deserved better.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

Sam just leaned in closer and held me tighter.

There we sat for an hour. The television played a soundtrack to our thoughts. News about the war mostly and the president. Some local announcements as well.

I tried to think about what Sam had told me. But I couldn't concentrate. My mind was crowded. I wanted to be able to reach out into the chaos and pluck out one though. Just one. Something to dwell on. But I couldn't.

Soon I gave up. I noticed that Samantha had fallen asleep. So I stood slowly and lowered her head down on the pillow. I left her there on the couch and turned off the TV as I walked towards the bedroom. I flopped down on top of the covers and fell asleep almost instantly.

Early the next morning I awoke to the sound of a baby crying. My baby. Groggily, I groaned and eased out of the bed. I shuffled up to the crib and leaned over the edge.

"Somebody's not happy." I yawned.

"Da-da!" Ami cried and extended her arms out to me. I half smiled and extracted her from the bed. She curled into my shoulder and tried to calm herself. I bounced her softly and stroked her blonde curls.

"Shhh... It's okay, baby." I cooed and sat on the edge of the bed. "Daddy's here. What's wrong?" I asked, not expecting an answer. "Did you have a nightmare? It's okay. Daddy won't let the scary monsters get you." I pulled her from my shoulder and held her out in front of me. I tried to reassure her with a smile.

"I love you." I cooed. "And I will always keep you safe." I brought her back to me and stood up. I walked around the room, bouncing her ever so slightly. I couldn't pin the point when she fell silent and went back to sleep. But when I noticed she was quiet I laid her back down and returned to my own bed. This time I drew back the covers and curled up in them. At some point, Sam had come to bed. I noted her presence and put a loving arm around her.

I attempted to fall back to sleep, but I couldn't. I was wide awake! I accepted this and took the time to think about what had happened the previous day.

I could hardly believe that the boys and I were getting along again. Maybe we just needed a push to unite us once more. I hoped that since we had all become friends again that Pete would decide to stay. If he would just continue with us, then I would be happy.

Happy.

Happiness seemed just out of reach to me. Like if I could just stretch a bit farther, I would reach it and then everything would be okay again.

But it wasn't that simple. Every night I'd go to bed thinking, well at least today is over. And then I'd wake up with a heavier, darker cloud over my shoulders than the day before. The realization of the presence of this cloud, further deepened the depression. Every morning I was an inch or two farther from Happiness than the day before.

I dreaded waking. Because I knew each day would be worse than the one before until this spell was over. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to find out if it was over or not. I just wanted to sleep forever and never awake.

A dull existence; Maybe. But at least it was without pain. Both physical and spiritual. It is on this note that I fell into the clutches of the night and precious sleep overtook me.

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