Occiditur

Back for You

I rode half the way home in silence, that's when I turned on the radio. However the only station in the stupid car that would come in was playing the Monkee's new album. I turned it off quick as a dime.

My mind was consumed with Micky. Every time I closed my eyes a different picture of him flashed before me. His voice rang in my ears. I even thought I saw him in the crowds of people on the sidewalks. 

I had married him because of his happy, go-lucky attitude. The minute he wasn't happy, I became angry at him.

I couldn't deny that it was my fault for the divorce. He did tell me he wasn't happy. I could have helped him earlier, but I was too blind. By the time I realized how I could have helped, he was too far gone. He had become dangerous and unpredictable! I couldn't raise my daughter in that environment.

The only option was divorce.

As I drove home I thought about what Micky had told me. He said he needed my love. That my love was what would cure him. Though every time I tried to give it he rejected it.

I cried because I knew I did love him and I did my best. Or did I? I remembered that every time he expressed any form of depression I started a fight. How could I have done that? He needed me to love him, not fight.

I didn't even give a road signal before doing a U-turn and speeding back to the country house. I needed to mend things with him. I was wrong about divorce being the only way. 

It was the absolute worst feeling when I pulled into the driveway and saw the ambulance rolling to a stop in my yard. I parked and ran to Mike who was trotting down the front steps.

"Michael!" I yelled.

"Samantha," Mike held my shoulders and forced me to look at him. "It's not good, Sam."

"I was just here." I sighed in shock. "What happened?"

"You need to stay calm." Mike said to me. "Micky's...dead."

My knees gave out and I fell to the ground. My life unraveled before my eyes. Everything was moving around me in slow motion. I couldn't hear Mike talking to me. He tried to calm me and force me to stand. My eyes fluttered to a movement at the front door. Two paramedics wheeling a gurney out. On the gurney was a black body bag zipped close.

I knew that inside the bag laid my late husband. Seeing it made my limbs spring into movement. I pushed past Mike and walked to the ambulance as they loaded Micky's body into the truck.

"I'm his wife." I said serenely when they tried to keep me out. The ride to the hospital was slow. They didn't even bother to turn on the lights or the siren.

The situation was explained to the personnel at the hospital and I was informed that my husband would be taken straight to the morgue for cause of death to be determined and for cleaning. That creeped me out...cleaning...

I just nodded. What else could I do in the state of shock I was in? As I cried alone in the hospital I remembered that I'd left my daughter in the back seat of my car.

I rushed to a phone and called Micky's sister. She didn't know what was going on so I told her. I had to tell her that her big brother was dead! He'd taken his own life!

"No...no!" She sobbed through the receiver.

"I'm so sorry." I cried on my end.

I heard her calm herself. "Is there any way I can help?" She asked. Charlotte Dolenz was always the strong one. 

"I left Ami in the back seat of my car at the house." I began but a hand touched my shoulder. I turned to see Mike there, holding my baby girl.

"Never mind, Michael got her." I said.

"I'll be there in just a moment." Micky's sister said and hung up.

I took my baby and held her tight to me. "Why did he do this to us? Why?" I sobbed into her hair. I know I deserved it, but he didn't. Ami didn't. "He didn't even let us say goodbye." I fell to my knees with my daughter and the wall of shock fell and my emotions ran free.

No one came to comfort me, and it was better that they let me have my space. I would have just pushed them away. They would tell me they knew what I was going through, and I'd just have to tell them they were wrong. They didn't know how it felt to feel responsible for violence.

Guys I know this chapter is a bit fuzzy, but that's how it is supposed to seem. ;)