Occiditur

Isle of Flightless Birds

"What right do you have to take my daughter away from me; my wife away from me; my life away from me?" I yelled as best I could.

"I have every legal right! Micky, everything you've put us through is in every way a form of abuse!"

Sam walked back into the house. I followed and slammed the door shut behind me.

"Sam!" I pleaded. "Please! I need you!" Tears had already filled my eyes and I began to tremble with sobs. "Don't do this to me!" I got on my knees and begged her to stay. I begged and begged.

She didn't answer me. She kept walking into the living room and picked up the papers she'd strewn across the floor. She made them neat once more and slammed them down on the coffee table.

When she turned around I saw her cheeks were stained with tears as well. Her eyes locked with mine and she seemed full of fire. "Don't do this to me!" She whispered harshly. "To us! Free us, Micky! Free us!" She screamed.

I was stunned into silence.

"Sign it!" She insisted.

I hesitated for a few moments before shaking my head no.

Sam growled again and walked to the window behind me.

"What's wrong with you!?" She screamed at me. "Why can't you see past yourself?"

"I don't know..." I whispered. I didn't feel present in the room. I felt as if my mind was locked away in a chamber above me; looking down on me. I felt distant and yet I knew I was in fact facing this decision. To sign or not to sign. Not to sign: I keep my family, I have a chance to get better, to get help. To sign: I lose my wife, my family, my moral standard of marriage, I lose my life and any hope of ever getting better. Not to sign: My family will be caught under my canopy of unhappiness, and will have to help me out from under this sharp, descending pendulum of doom. To sign: My family will be free. They will be happy.

"Micky!" Sam screamed at me. "You spent so much time trying to keep and perfect your stupid karaoke game you call a band, you barely had time to take care of me and Ami."

For reasons unknown to myself this snapped me back into the room. I jumped to my feet and faced her. "That 'Stupid karaoke game' kept you fed for two years!" I screamed. "You want me to sign this? Fine! Get me a pen! I'm fed up with this crap! All I've ever done was think of you and Ami! And what do I get in return? You want to blame me for our problems!" Sam dug for a pen in her leather purse. She whipped it out at me. I took it from her and signed the documents. When I was finished I shoved them at her chest and walked to the front door. I pulled it open violently.

"Now get out! Get out of my house!" I said harshly.

"With pleasure!" She was crying. And somewhere deep inside my soul I felt sorry. Somewhere deep inside I wanted to take her kindly by the arm and tear the papers I had just signed and throw them into the dirt to be trampled upon. Somewhere in my mess of emotions I wanted to pull her close to me and kiss her passionately.

But that was deep, deep inside. It subsided as soon as it appeared. And when it was gone I questioned if it had even occurred in the first place.

"Ami! It's time to go!" She yelled. Ami came trotting around from behind the house. I descended the stairs and stopped her. She giggled thinking it was a game. I pulled her up into my arms as I had done when she was a baby. I smiled for her. I laughed. I convinced myself that I was happy. "Ami, I love you!" I said, hugging her close. "No matter what happens know that I did love you! I loved you with all of my heart." I kissed her forehead and let her down. She kissed my cheek and ran off to her mother. Ami turned to me and waved goodbye.

"I'll see you tomorrow daddy!" She called.

A dagger to my soul.

Nevertheless I smiled and waved back.

When they had pulled away and were out of sight I let down my façade and fell to the ground. I sobbed, and wept, and screamed in agony! I sat there for hours it seemed. Although it had only been a few minutes.

I knew what the next step was. I knew exactly what I had to do. I had to go inside.