my happy little pill | phan

8: Uma Thurman Has Seen Too Much

Self harm trigger warning. In future chapters with triggering content, I'll just put *tw* at the beginning. Please don't read if you're very easily triggered.

Phil's POV

The following day, Louise phones me to ask about a collab and I immediately agree on filming with her next week. I'm already looking forward to it, to be honest.

Dan has been in his bedroom alone for over an hour now, which is totally normal for him, but that means that I have nobody to talk to now. I know that Dan has to come out of his bedroom to check on his Lucky Charms to make sure I haven't eaten them all, and I hope that he talks to me soon. I'm getting a little worried about him after he told me about why he got drunk yesterday. I am scared that he's getting depressed again.

I lie back on my own bed and leave my bedroom door halfway open so I can see if he decides to emerge from his room, even though if he moves at all in his room I know that I'll hear it through the thin walls of our bedrooms. My socks are odd (as always) and today one sock is red with Halloween bats, and the other is plain black. I'm genuinely too lazy to search for a matching pair of socks.

Suddenly, I hear a knock on my door and I glance up from my socks. Dan stands in the centre of my doorway, slightly hunched and he looks smaller than usual. I pat my duvet, asking him wordlessly to sit next to me. Dan closes the door and sits down.

"Are you okay?" I ask him. "And don't just say yes because the world requires you to say so. It's me you're talking to. Phil. You can tell me anything at all."

Dan nods and he pulls his sleeves down over his arms as if he's cold. How can he be cold if it's August and the sun is actually piercing through the heavy veil of clouds for once? I'm only wearing a light tee shirt and I'm really warm.

A dark thought swims at the back of my mind, but I ignore it. Dan promised me that it would never happen again. And I believed him.

Dan stares at the backs of his hands. "Um..." he takes a few breaths and closes his brown eyes. "I'm not alright, Phil. I'm not even going to lie to you. I'm not okay."

I look at Dan but he won't meet my gaze. I feel my heart miss a few beats. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He buries his face in his hands. "Goddamn," he whispers. "I'm so, so sorry. I know I promised you and I swear I -"

I lift his jumper sleeve up and feel my heart drop. On the edge of his arm in neat lines are about two dozen perfect cuts, bright red and recent. There is tears in his eyes and two tumble down his cheeks.

I feel like I've been impaled.

"Oh, Dan," I whisper. It's all I can say. The last time this happened was a few years ago and he didn't even tell me. I found the marks when he was asleep, and it took months for him to get clean from cutting. Months. At least this time he told me. "What made you tell me?" I ask. "The last time you were so secretive."

"We agreed no secrets," he says plainly. "And I don't want to hurt you, Phil. And I don't want the Subscribers to know anything. Which is why I needed to tell you so you can maybe help me get my shit together."

"Dan," I breathe. I was not expecting any of this. "You're just depressed. I can help you. I will help you -"

Without warning, he kisses me and pushes me back on my bed. I arch my back beneath his touch and my fingers instinctually grab his shoulders. I melt against him, and I know that I should push him away and tell him to stop, but I don't want him to stop. I don't want him to stop. I kiss him back much harder and he bites my lip gently, earning a moan from me. I flip him over and pin him against my bed with the bedsheets enveloping us, knotting us together. I kiss the hollow of his neck and his collarbones and he runs his fingers up and down my sides. I'm careful not to lean on his cuts.

I open my eyes as Dan is pulling off his shirt and his jeans, and I see my Kill Bill poster hanging on my wall with Uma Thurman eyeing us knowingly as I let Dan take off my clothes too. But it's okay; Uma Thurman has seen way too much Phan over the years. I'm pretty sure she's used to the screams.