my happy little pill | phan

14: This Chapter Is More Emotional Than I Intended It To Be Oh God

Phil's POV

I close the front door with my right knee, and a shopping bag dangling from my fingers. The flat is deathly quiet, and I feel my heart quicken slightly. Where is Dan? I listen for the electric shower, but I am greeted with an eerie silence.

"Dan?" I whisper, and enter the kitchen. I flip a switch and the light illuminates the room so I can see. It is evening time, and the sun has nearly disappeared in its entirety. I don't like the way the flat is so silent.

Normally, I would be able to hear the sound of Dan's video games, or music. Or even his voice if he was making a YouTube video. Plus, the flat is dark. It is never dark at this time of the day. At least not when Dan's here. I drop the shopping on the kitchen table, and slide my feet out of my shoes.

"Dan?" I say again, a little louder. I wait. Nothing. I do not like being left home alone, and Dan hadn't mentioned going out tonight. It's only Tuesday.

I climb the stairs, making my footsteps louder with each step, expecting a "PHIL STOP STOMPING SO LOUDLY I'M TRYING TO FILM" shout from Dan's room. Still nothing.

Then, I hear something softly playing from Dan's bedroom. I recognised the song immediately. It is The Light Behind Your Eyes by My Chemical Romance.

Be strong and hold my hand
Time becomes for us, you'll understand
We'll say goodbye today
And I'm sorry how it ends this way

I breathe a sigh of relief. I knock on his door with the back of my hand and brush my hair from my face. "Dan, open up. It's me. Phil."

I twist the door handle and freeze before I pull it open. Something isn't right. Something feels very, very wrong. The temperature of the air around me drops suddenly and I feel my bare arms recoil against the cold.
"This isn't funny," I say under my breath as I shove the door inward. The curtains are drawn and the whole bedroom is dark, except for the glowing light of a green button on the speakers.

If I could be with you tonight
I would sing you to sleep
Never let them take the light behind your eyes

I flip the light switch and the bedroom explodes with light. I stare at his stuffed Pikachu toy lying on the ground next to my feet. Where is he?

"Dan Howell, where are you?" I nervously laugh, but this is far from funny anymore.

Sometimes we must
Grow stronger and you can't
Be stronger in the dark

My blue eyes flit around the room and suddenly come to a halt on a pair of legs behind the bed. I nearly laugh out loud. He's sleeping, or doing that meditating thing that he had been doing for the past few weeks. How could I be so stupid?

"Dan, you idiot," I giggle. "I'm home now."

I walk to the other side of the bed and look down on him. His dark hair covering half of his face, his cheeks blotchy like he's been crying, his pale arms spaced out from his black MUSE tee shirt. I kick his foot playfully.

"Hey," I whisper. "Stop pretending to not hear me."

I kneel on the hard floor and I stroke his neck to annoy him. Dan must be very deeply asleep to not wake up to that. I hesitate, and the blood drains out of my face. Then, I notice three white and blue pills are closed in his loose fist. I stare. Shakily, I hold my hand over his face and his chest, to feel his steady heart that I know is always there, thrumming dedicatedly beneath his bones, and to feel his warm breath on my skin.

I wait.

I jerk my hand away like I've scalded myself in boiling water and distance myself from him, pushing myself as far away from him as I can. He's not breathing. His pulse isn't there.

"Dan?" I squeak. "Oh, my God. No. No. "

And never let them take the light behind your eyes
I've failed and lost this fight
Never fade in the dark
Just remember you will always burn as bright

Everything crashes down on top of me, crushing me so I can't breathe, I can't think. I close my eyes tightly, like staying in the dark will make everything disappear. This can't be real. This can't be happening.

I gasp as I realise that I've been holding my breath. When I open my eyes, I'm lying on the cold floor with my fingers biting into my shoulders. My vision blurs over with hot, acidic tears, burning as they spill down my cheeks. I look away from him and notice a small stack of paper on his bed. A letter.

Dear Phil...

A letter for me. And not just any letter or note from Dan.

A suicide note from Dan.

Dan, whose dead body is literally lying two metres away from mine. What should I do? Should I call someone? The My Chemical Romance song begins again, and I feel myself choke up as I reach for my iPhone.

Everything else doesn't matter anymore.
My best friend is dead.