my happy little pill | phan

19: We Can Be Full Time Internet Homos Together

Phil's POV

The sky is overcast and clouded when Dan is finally allowed to leave the hospital after being kept in on suicide watch for just over a week. It was painful to remember that I had found Dan unconscious in his bedroom only a few weeks ago, but I was willing to let it go and just be thankful that Dan was still alive and breathing.

We walk from the nearest subway station back to our flat, which isn't that far in distance but it's a nice walk. We walk in silence without saying a word for a long time, and that's okay because there is this saying that silence between strangers is awkward, and silence between friends is comforting, and this silence is definitely not awkward. It's a good silence.

I look over at Dan as his feet crunch on the pavement (the sidewalk) and my eyes watch how is dark brown hair tumbles in the soft breeze and his dark eyes are casted downwards so he can watch where he is going. His cheekbones are quite prominent, however, and I tell myself that when we arrive back home I'll cook dinner.

I feel Dan's hand slide into mine from behind and his fingers lace around my fingers. My heart swells in my chest. I squeeze his hand gently, and he squeezes back, and my heart breaks at the thought of him not being here to hold my hand like he is right now.

A silver car passes the street and we quickly unknot our hands so no one will see us, although we know that the chances of anyone being in the car recognising us or even looking out direction is tiny.

"Will we have pasta for dinner?" I ask him, trying to change the subject of my thoughts in my head from thinking about Dan's suicide attempt to something different, like food. Food fixes everything.

Dan shrugs. "I don't mind. You can choose what we have, if you like."

A typical Dan answer. I know that he loves pasta so I mentally decide to make a dish I know he really likes.

But one glance at the faraway look in his eyes when he answers me paints a thousand pictures. Just because he is back from hospital and he's coming home doesn't mean that everything is better again. It means that I know now that he's not doing too well and it's my job to help him.

And I need to be grateful, not angry, because not everyone gets a second chance.

+++

"Let's make a video," he suggests suddenly, pushing away his empty plate of pasta after dinner. His eyes meet my face and then they flicker away. "I need something to do, Phil. If I remain inanimate I'll have nothing other to do than listen to my thoughts."

I try to catch his eye but he won't look up. "Yeah," I say. "Of course we can, Dan. Hey, everything's going to be fine. I swear."

"You can't promise that," he says under his breath and his eyes lowered.

Our eyes meet through fringed lashes and we hold each others' gazes for the longest time. "No," I tell him eventually. "But I can try."

Dan's fingers wrap around his shoulders and I can see his fingers dig in as he looks away from my blue eyes. I step around the table cautiously and walk towards him, his head lowered so I can read what is happening in his mind. Before he can glance up and storm away to his bedroom to 'get the filming equipment', I curl my arms around him and hold him tight to my body. He's shivering, quaking between my fingers. Dan rests his chin on my shoulder and I feel his tears seep through my shirt.

"Fuck, I'm...I'm sorry, Phil," he breathes against my ear. I can feel his ribs as he breathes and I suddenly worry about his weight. I push the thought aside quickly. He was in a coma for three weeks, for God's sake. "I'm so fucking emotional and I don't know why, but please Phil, promise me that you won't leave me. Don't leave me like this."

I take his wrists and hold him back from me at arms length. How could he possibly think that I would want to ever leave him? His eyes search mine and he bites his lip nervously. I know how much he hates taking about personal issues. "I love you," I tell him. "I love you more than I have loved anyone in the whole world, and it hurts, Dan. It hurts to think that you question the way I feel and you need me to confirm it. Listen to me; I love you more than anything, and if the earth was to suddenly split in two and you were on one half and I was on the other, I swear I would find a way to be with you, because a life without you isn't living. You're so important and you don't even realise it. You have millions of people in the world that subscribe to your videos and watch them, and millions of people who you've helped through difficult times and dark days, and you make people smile. Don't underestimate yourself. If you didn't exist, there might be a few people out in the great big world who may not be alive today. And it's all down to you. Dan, you're so important and special, you don't even realise. I love you."

I stare into his gorgeous brown eyes for the longest minute. His arms are close to his chest and his fingers are clenched, and his cheeks are drowning in warm tears. His face crumples again and this time I let him lie on my shoulder in silence, and he just cries. Suddenly I realise that I'm also crying, and I don't know if it's because of Dan sobbing into my shirt or if it's from the wreckage of the past three weeks, but I just let every emotion seep out of me in a flood of tears and I grip Dan more tightly just so that I can confirm that he's real and he's standing in front of me with his face buried in my shoulder and neck.

"I love you, too," Dan whispers so quietly that if his mouth wasn't almost directly against my ear I probably wouldn't have heard it.

My heart does a weird flippy thing and I shut my eyes to the sound of our unified breathing.